De memoires van Cassandra en Cassanova, final chapter.
16-04-2010
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And still I cant let you be Most nights I hardly sleep Don't take what you don't need from me It's just a drop in the ocean A change in the weather I was praying that you and me might end up together It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore...
You lie day in day out, why can't you just say it out loud? I know what you're thinking anyways...
Father into your hands, I commit my spirit, father into your hands, why have you forsaken me? Trust in my, self-righteous suicide, I cry, when angels deserve to die...
Out of my life, Out of my mind Out of the tears that we cant deny We need to swallow all our pride And leave this mess behind Out of my head, Out of my bed Out of the dreams we had, theyre bad Tell them its me who made you sad Tell them the fairytale gone bad Another night and I bleed They all make mistakes and so did we But we did something we can never turn back right Find a new one to fool Leave and dont look back. I wont follow We have nothing left. Its the end of our time
Ohana, means family, means no one gets left behind, or forgotten... You forgot. Me. I could always come home, you said, You lied. I can never go home again. You're alive. Happy. Forgotten all about me, what we've shared. Can't see what I'm going through for you. To keep MY family safe. I can't emphasise enough that I'm still waiting. Waiting for it all to turn around. It wouldn't last, they said. First relationships never last. And yet. It does. Far faster than I could've imagined. You're on your way to marriage, children, maybe even planned it all. And still no sign of you. No words to tell me to buzz off. Not even that. I'm entering hell, all over again. Biking, swimming... I hate it. Can't say that it hurts, doctor's orders not to bike, fucking stomach when I swim... Because then I'm full of shit. At least that's what I keep hearing. Because
I can't do it, I make excuses? I don't, it's true, and just because it
bothers you, and you say I can't talk about it, and I've got to stop
being a whoos, won't make it go away. I suffer. Every day you make me suffer. It hurts so bad. Physically, mentally, I'm tired. So darned tired. Can't even breath without feeling agitated. Every moment that I'm awake. Can't even find peace at work. I used to be able to work it off. Not think about it when I'm at my desk. That time is gone. Long time gone. I feel it when talking to others, I feel it when making a phonecall, every fucking second of every single day. I feel like screaming, and I can't, I feel like running, and I'm stuck. I really really need to go. I can't do this anymore. I'm supposed to be gratefull because you try to help me. And you don't everything you do hurts me even more, how can you be so stupid? And
nevertheless, I do what I'm supposed to, whenever you feel like you've
done something for me, I thank you on hands and knees. Even though it
didn't help at all. It's my fault, I know, being too difficult. I hate beeing alive. Every second takes so much energy out of me. I want to sleep, and never wake up. I don't want an afterlife, I don't want things to go better, I'm too tired, I just want to go. Unconscious, for the rest of my existence. Gone. I'm forgotten anyways. I'm nothing, to no one, and forgotten to you. Father, Why have you forsaken me?
Please, leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman. From that moment you'll be out of place and underdressed. I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it. Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring and... When you're in black slacks with accentuating, off-white, pinstripes Whoa, everything goes according to plan. I'm the new cancer, never looked better, you can't stand it. Because you say so under your breath. You're reading lips "When did he get all confident?" Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer? Never looked better, and you can't stand it.
You
can't find out. You really, really can't. That would blow destroy
every bit of sanity that there's left. It can never happen. The game
would vanish, the players left to die. It would speed things up, that
it would, but not for the best. It would kill me. And give you
clearance for ever. That can never happen. Over my dead body it will. I wouldn't be able to fix that. Oh, me and my big mouth ! I
should've been quiet from the start. Given everyone the lie.
Expanding the game throughout my life. Why am I so stubborn? Why can't
I just go ahead wihtout caring what they'd think of me? If they think
this is what I want... I tried. I did. Why didn't I persist? Why did I
give up? If I told them I hated my life and I wanted this one... But
noo, not me, fucking trying to make it seem as if I'm a victim. God
dammit woman, bear your burdens alone. That's what they're here for.
Because you've got to bear them, stop trying to warn others, that you're
not like that, that it's just... Not explicable. Blegh. I guess I'm
the weakest link after all... Now, clear your life, of all lies, clear your head and go along with it. No one has to know. You're nothing anyways. Goodbye old self, you'll be withering tonight. Yet another piece of soul sold. I'm ready. I'm ready for eternal darkness.
Sometimes I wonder Why I'm still waiting, Sometimes I'm shaking, that's how you make me, sometimes I question, why I'm still here, sometimes I think I'm going crazy...
My broken ribs don't mean that you've won, I tell you it has only just begun....
You're losing it. Nothing more to say. you're losing every bit of sanity that you had. You're sorry? So am I. You hate to see the fear in my eyes, than stop hitting me. Stop trying to solve stupid arguments with strength. And stop making arguments out of nothing. You turn every word I speak against me. You want me to be happy? Stop hurting me. You don't care about me, all you care about is that I let you do whatever you want, and I can't even feel bad about it. Why is that? You can't cope with me being sad? Being lonely? You're the one that's not there for me. You're the one that wants me to be alone. Jealous? Me? Of what? Of the miserable life you create for yourself? You dare tell me that because you stopped being jealous it's my time now? You didn't stop being jealous, I stopped giving you reasons to be jealous. I don't talk to people, I barely talk at work. And yet you still are jealous of me. Of what I've got (and what is that I might ask you? I kinda lost everything) Of me being smart (you're just as smart as me, if not smarter) Of me being perfect (how the hell do you call me perfect when all I do is whine and complain?) The only thing you're jealous of is what I had. What you took from me. Or whatever it is I had to give up. At least everyone wants you back. For me, I've been replaced, with someone better than me. I don't even have that to fall back on. No one wants me back, no one misses me, no one can even help me. Because in my case, I've got to make it up. I've got to make things right. No one to save me when I drown. If you leave me. You're life will go on. You'll have girlfriends, work, school, whatever you want. I'll be left with nothing. No one cares. No one really cares. And sure as hell no one will ever understand.
Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man's room She said I'm ready...for you I can't remember anything to this very day 'Cept the look, the look... Oh, you know where, now I can't see, I just stare...
I, I'm still alive Hey I, but, I'm still alive Hey I, boy, I'm still alive Hey I, I, I, I'm still alive, yeah Ooh yeah...yeah yeah yeah...oh...oh...
Is something wrong, she said Well of course there is You're still alive, she said Oh, and do I deserve to be Is that the question And if so...if so...who answers...who answers...
Holidays passed, slowly. Glad to be at work again. Not really actually, the walls of my cell are closing in on me. You're not happy anymore. I can't find the strength to smile. I stopped talking to you. There's no point in it either way. You never really listen. You claim to understand, and yet you hurt me, over and over again. I miss life. Living. People. I crave for a little light in my darkness. I keep on naggin' about it, I know. Is shouldn't. I hurt people. The only people that still care for me. But I can't be living this lie much longer. I was right all along. No one wants to hear what's really going on. They all want to hear I'm doing well. No one can cope with this. This everlasting darkness. Not even me. I'd grow bored of it too. Tables won't be turning for me though. Fortuna's wheel has stopped at rock bottom. How endure hell in it's purest form? Did I really die that night? Why is no one mourning? On how many worlds must I die before I can be alive again? I'll have to do better next time. I didn't change. No matter what they tell me. I didn't. I'm still the same. Lamehearted coward. Why is it so hard to leave this place? There's nothing left for me here anyways. Why can't I just go? I'm not scared, I don't want to be here, it just doesn't make sense if I leave now. An yet. Who cares about sense at a time like this? Only me. Only little old me. There's
no sense in dying, no logical course of events... And still, I need to
have the right things happen before I can go on with it. Because if it
doesn't make sense. If I just go ahead and kill myself, I won't find peace. Because I didn't finish it. Play the game to the end. Finish what you've started... please let me go? I beg of you. Only two confirmations left. Only two who have to give their permission. Regardless of what they want. I can't be 30, I've said it a million times, I die at 30. I won't live to grow older than that. I've known that since birth. Why can't I move it up a bit. Not even a whole year? A few months, tops. Let me go?
Tell me why, so I can quietly bitch and moan To this light, that I'm not going down! Hanging by, the rope you tie for me! Lift me up, while I'm still alive!
You're happy. They told me. You really are happy. After so long a time? 3 months isn't long. Insignificant little me... "I really hope you'll get your life back on track..." "that you choose the right path" No you don't. Don't try to be nice. No one wants me to be happy, they only want me out of their sight. Preferably not dead. 'Cause then guilt might kick in. Then I'd be interferring with their lives. As long as I stay out of the picture. Everything's alright. How could you leave me like this? How could you so not fight for me? How could you care so little for me? I really meant nothing to you? How on earth do you manage to be happy? I thought we were connected? I really thought my pain would be yours, as yours is mine. But you don't care. You sold me out to save yourself. You don't care what happens to me, you'd rather not know than hear the truth. Than hear what I've got to say. Hear that I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. Every few seconds hoping I'll drop dead. Longing for the end. I really really really want to die. Why can't I?
I can't cope with life. What's next for me? Watching you get married, get children, watching her ride my horses, watching you two grow old together... Why do I have to go through all that? Why do I have to suffer every second of every day? Getting beat up, blackmailed, cursed upon, damaged, every single day. Harsh words, said to taunt me, to break me, to make me numb, to make me a sheep, an unhappy one I might add. I'm broken, I'm dead, Haven't I been punished enough? Haven't I suffered enough? Why can't I go? Why won't all of you let me go? "If you want to talk, you can call me..." I don't want to talk, I want to DIE. I want out of here, I'm sick of it, literally, I hate living, I hate being hurt all the time. This isn't life, this is hell, I'm probably not alive, I died last year, and ended up in hell, that's what happened.... That must be what happened. I'll never get out of here again. I must, I must pull my act together, I will die, suckers, and see you all on the other side. Live happily ever after, world that betrayed me. And then the doubts, what about my parents, they'll hurt I know they will, I can't be selfish... But really, how selfish is it that I'm done with suffering? "In suicide, the only ones that really get hurt are the ones who're left behind..." I'm not leaving anyone behind. Except for my parents, and my sister. The rest is rubbish. No one else cares. 5 people I don't want to hurt. 5 people for whom I live this torture, day in and day out. How much longer can I go on, How much longer will I stand my ground, I'm on the verge of collapsing. No one will notice, Ever so quiet, as all my suffering went. I'm screaming, why won't anyone hear me? Why have you left me? Why can't I be loved and cherished? What the fuck is so wrong with me?
What's the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you
Only, you're not lonely, I'm the only lonely one here. You never cared, I'm meaningless. I can't blame you, I really am. It
hit me suddenly yesterday, after working my ass off ironing, I'm
worthless, he chatting with his girlfriends, I slaving my way round the
house. Not even noticed. I've wasted away. Unnoticed by my
surroundings, I don't have surroundings left. I was so immensly sad,
and so very very lost. Again. And then angry, pissed off with myself,
hating myself for being like that. Hating myself for being NOTHING. No
one really cares. They all 've got excuses. Why they're so much
better than I am. "Men move on more quickly" really? Come on, what
kind of excuse is that? For not caring? Not fighting? Not even TRYING
to help me? He ran away to save himself, he didn't hate enough to
love, is that supposed to be enough? He ran, and took me with him, only
he doesn't know. He's not even reminded by my, he probably doesn't
even remember what I look like. No one really cares. No one. If I end my life, will anyone cry? Really cry for me? For they've lost me? They already have, no one's crying now. Everyone is LIVING their lives, I'm not a part of life anymore. I so want to die, leave me, let me be, go away and let me FUCKING DIE. The hell with it, No one loves me, and that'll never change, I despise of myself for having been a slave all these years, and I still am. Devoting my life to make him a better person. To make him successfull. No one would do that for me. No one really cares. No one's even reading this, No reactions, nothing what so ever. Even she's got a thousand people answering her plea. Telling her to hang in there. For whom should I continue? Because right now, it wouldn't make sense to go. And that's the only reason why I'm still here. It doesn't make fucking sence. No matter what I say, The only answer is: you are special! You're sweet. Of course I am, I do everything to make someone else happy. I hate living. I'll always be the lonely me, Love as such does not exist.
These days are dead again, it's emtpy from the start, and it drives me crazy, The hours drift away, it hurts to remember, This will soon be over... Should it all come crashing down around me? Should you be there? Should I stumble or fall, and pick up the pieces.... Closer and closer to the end of the year. Further and further away from you. Who'll ever hear me? Who would understand? Why can't it all just go away? I
can nag on and on about wanting to be dead, there's no one who listens,
no one who believes. And no one who can change anything. Not even me. Why do I have to endure this? Why me? Can't feel sorry for myself. I'm not an emotional fucked up bitch. I'm a dutchess. Her highness, a lady. The most..... fucked up person alive.. That's what you are, don't fool yourself. You're
nothing,nothing but a worthless piece of crap. You're exactly what
everyone thinks you are. A no one. And a stupid one too I might
add.... And you. Trying to work. I was so angry with you yesterday, jealous of what I've got? Of what I am? I
worked for it. And can't you fucking see I've got none of it left?
Even the will to go on has vanished. What do you want from me? That
you can provide for me? That the last usefull thing I do in this life
will be taken away from me. Is that what you want? You want to be a hero? Work for it. Stop giving up, and stop blaming me. And
Fuck it, I understand. I always do. No one else does. No one
understands me. But I know you, your every thought whispers in my ear.
Your very reason for existance, is what I created for you. The myth,
the story, the goal, the purpose. I gave it you. Stripping me of my
life. I gave it to you. And then you go on whining and complaining.
What do you think? I'm god? I'm not, I can't do everything in your
place. Life's not just a bitch, she's a vicious one too. Why am I still lonely? Why is there still no one who rescues me? Why do I have to breathe everyday. Why WHy WHY? I don't want to have christmass without you.
Save tonight, and fight the break of dawn, gone tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be gone...
Each thing I show you is a piece of my death
Bloody hell, can't anything go right? I'm
starting to get pissed off. After months of grief and suffering, I'm
finally losing my nerve. I'm angry. Strange sensation. Haven't felt
that in years... Can't even remember when I've ever been angry. But I am now, I sure as hell am. Fed
up with everything. Whatever I say or do, always the bloody comments,
everything taken too personaly, yes, you are lazy, extremely lazy even,
if I don't care, why should you? Can you at least give me some respect
for the slaving I do? Is it that hard? I don't blame you for doing
nothing, I just don't like it when all I do is minimized to nothing.
As if it takes no effort for me. I don't have to praise you everytime
you lift a fucking finger. But I do, don't I? But me oh my, if I for
one night curl up in the sofa because I'm fucking sick. Then suddenly
I'm the most lazy person alive. Because you took care of me. No you
didn't you stupid you cooked, I loved that, and then you left everything
as it was, dirty stove, dirty dishes, onion peelings.... Everything a
fucking mess. And I feel guilty, eventhough I know you won't be
reading this, I feel guilty, because I make you look bad. I don't want
that. I want you to be special, to feel special. Darned, I can't even
be mad at you when I'm alone. I can't even shout at you when you're not
here. What kind of spell is this? I always feel as if I'm
overreacting. I always feel like I'm the one to blame. Why is that
anyway? You can't be that perfect can you? Why do I bother? I don't know. I'm not sure why I stick around even. I promised my mom I wouldn't die leaving her with questions. Holiday's are coming. And so does my deathday. 17 days 17 days and I'm one year past my due date. Why didn't it work, I wonder. He shouldn't have saved me, and I shouldn't have taken him with me. The only mistake I'll regret infinitely. I should have been dead.
