De memoires van Cassandra en Cassanova, final chapter.
03-12-2009
Suicide is my way of telling God, you can't fire me, I quit
The nights are getting colder, and I miss you like hell, and I'm feeling blue... I
hate having cold, and I always am. Everything falls apart lately, cell
phone, oven, dishwasher, laptop.... All electrical applainces give up
on me. I don't understand. That's new to me. Maybe it's the negative
energy that surrounds me? I wonder.... I sit and stare and slave
around the house, "what do you want to do? Do you want me to stop
working? Do you.... " All questions on which no answer is wanted. You
never listen, you just continue reading, typing, working, laughing....
And you've got the nerve to tell me to give you some space? That I
can't be bothered with the fact that you're reading while I'm talking?
That you're fucking screen is more important than I am? O no, I'm
sorry, that's because I'm wrong. I never want to do anything either
way. I'm boring so you have to keep yourself busy.... Vicious circle
isn't it? And then, there we were, off to the handy shop, did I see
you? Was it you on the horse trailer? Who went riding with you? Him
or her? Have you forgotten me? I need you so much, I can't stand it no
one needs me. I so want to belong somewhere. To be wanted, important,
whatever. I had it all figured out yesterday. I know what went wrong, I
know how I became this beast, and I know it'll never change. All I can
do is wait. Wait and live a life of agony and pain. Because I'm not
allowed to die. I stopped talking to everyone. No one can help me
anyways. All I do is hurt people and feel bad about that. I don't need
that, not on top of the constant pain and devastation I'm already
feeling. After all, we have been through, I can only look at you, through the eyes you lied to, giving up, giving up, I'm giving up on you, After all there's no way out, if you can not stand beside me if there isn't love there is only pride, I'm giving up, I'm giving up on life. I
want to know whether you'll marry her, want kids, whether she's better
than me, whether she likes the horse, whether she's going to learn how
to ride them, whether your friends like her better than me... I want to
know whether you're life is better now, whether you're happy, whether
you want her to have the house, whether she's a better partner than I
was, whether you love her more.... I want to know whether you'll
stay, whether you're still trying to woo others, whether you really love
me or just find me an easy way out of your trouble, I want to know if I
can end my life and not be missed. Whether there really is no place I
belong. Whether I'll ever really have what I want, whether my life has
any purpose at all. Why are there no questions ever answered? I'm
loved by my parents, maybe even my sister,but is that all? Is that the
meaning of my life? Being a sidekick to everyone? Stand outside their
family's and be there for them? Is that all for me? Is there no family
for me? No home for me? Am I really that alien? Or that angel? I'm
too smart, too sensitive, too perfect for life. Or just too fucked up,
I haven't figured that one out. I feel like I'm better than average,
but no one else seems to think that. Where do I belong, I'm so lost. Can anyone here me? Can anyone please please help me. Save me. Care for me. I don't want to give anymore, I want to receive. Give me nurishments for life. please help.....
And here I am. Lonelier than ever. Everything seems fine. No one knows
what's really going on. They don't care, if I appear normal, they don't
have to worry. As long as I don't kill myself. Everyone's happy.
It's not important how I really feel. Not important that I go through
hell every day. The agony, only getting worse. I can't show it, can't
talk to anyone, devote my life to making others happy. If I'm crying,
I'm told to stop, I swallow my grief and smile, not because I mean it.
Them thinking it's gone. I want a way out. I'm not happy. And I never
will be. No one really knows anyway. No one even asks. How can I
ever have thought there'd be a happy future for me? That I could be
normal. I know what's wrong, I know what's happening, only, no one else
does. What fairytales tell is wrong. There is no true happiness.
People are selfish by nature. There is no knight in shinging armor. No
happy ending, it never happens, when things go down, they don't go up
if you're down enough... They just get worse. Every day. I'm so tired
of living. I'm not really living anymore. Another suicide, gone
unnoticed. Another lonely soul vanished. Not saved by his
surroundings. Goodnight Maarten. Sleep tight. I'll think of you. I
know what you went through. I hope I will be with you soon. No one notices me. No one even replies here. I'm crying out to the world, and no one notices. Please help me? Or let me go?
I'll be where the eagle's flying, higher and higher
Alone, almost alone. All grew tired of me. Of my whining, complaining, and doing nothing about it. How can I make anyone see that there's nothing that can be done? Doesn't matter anymore. I gave up. Given up on existence itself. I'm dead, and glad to be so. No life for me, darkness all around me, waiting, forever waiting. And everything that helped me pass time is gone. Even my laptop is broken now. I just have to sit, hours and hours, waiting for time to pass. Cynical, how every second is streched out to eternity, and that it's the one who doesn't want to live those seconds, who experiences them the most. Life's cruel, no purpose, only death awaits, and not even joy to look forward to. Stop blaming me for wanting to die, there's no fun in living if you're not allowed to live for yourself, if you can't live your life, if you're bound to serve someone else. Only darkness, only fear, only tears, the cage is killing me. Please let me die tonight.
