De memoires van Cassandra en Cassanova, final chapter.
02-10-2009
The cage
Imagine a cage. Glass walls, sound and bullet proof. Allows you to
breathe and stay alive. But does not allow you any contact with what
you see. Imagine that no one can see the cage, or what it contains Thats me. Thats my life. Or at least how its become. Now
think that you had it all, a full life, a magnificent partner, a giant
property, the world was at your feet. And then, youre in the cage.
Cut off from everything you had, everything you desired, and no one
notices. Instead, they think you left. They think you didnt want what
you had. And they start over without you. Not really start over, they
just continue living. No one expects you back. No one is waiting. no
one is trying to get you out. Then find out that the cage youre in
does not allow you to cry, scream or utter any emotion what so ever but
happiness and laughter. The torment is so much more unbearable than
physical pain. You feel youre losing your mind. You can feel life and
sanity slipping away second by second. Thats me. Or at least how Ive become. I
hurt myself. To numb the pain inside. Quietly, the cage must not find
out. And sometimes violently, for I cant control it any longer, and
then the cage takes its vengeance And then there are these times,
when all seems fine. When all of the sudden you realize the cage isnt
that bad. Letting your guard down. Stop hiding. But the pain of all
youve lost and cant ever get back smacks you in the face. Selfpity,
rage, jealousy, grief, it all comes back. You want to die. But the
cage doesnt allow you to die. The cage comforts you. And you think
the cage is helping. Confused. All over again. What if Im wrong
and the cage is right? What if Im the problem and the cage merely
protects me and the outside world from it. I let go. I let
everything go. Put my trust in the cage again. It manipulates me, and I
try to manipulate it. Being sure I manage, but not entirely. Im not
convinced Im playing the cage, the cage could be playing me I created the cage, allowed it to trap me. I am the cage I
improve my life by improving others. I dont like the cage, I still
want to go home, but, home isnt there anymore. Therefore I make my
cage conditions better. Not by fighting, but by loving and adapting. Which life is mine? The one I had or the one Im building from scratch? Which do I want? Does that make a difference if you cant have what you want? What if there are no choices?
