De memoires van Cassandra en Cassanova, final chapter.
10-12-2009
The moon lures it's children back
Save tonight, and fight the break of dawn, gone tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be gone...
Each thing I show you is a piece of my death
Bloody hell, can't anything go right? I'm
starting to get pissed off. After months of grief and suffering, I'm
finally losing my nerve. I'm angry. Strange sensation. Haven't felt
that in years... Can't even remember when I've ever been angry. But I am now, I sure as hell am. Fed
up with everything. Whatever I say or do, always the bloody comments,
everything taken too personaly, yes, you are lazy, extremely lazy even,
if I don't care, why should you? Can you at least give me some respect
for the slaving I do? Is it that hard? I don't blame you for doing
nothing, I just don't like it when all I do is minimized to nothing.
As if it takes no effort for me. I don't have to praise you everytime
you lift a fucking finger. But I do, don't I? But me oh my, if I for
one night curl up in the sofa because I'm fucking sick. Then suddenly
I'm the most lazy person alive. Because you took care of me. No you
didn't you stupid you cooked, I loved that, and then you left everything
as it was, dirty stove, dirty dishes, onion peelings.... Everything a
fucking mess. And I feel guilty, eventhough I know you won't be
reading this, I feel guilty, because I make you look bad. I don't want
that. I want you to be special, to feel special. Darned, I can't even
be mad at you when I'm alone. I can't even shout at you when you're not
here. What kind of spell is this? I always feel as if I'm
overreacting. I always feel like I'm the one to blame. Why is that
anyway? You can't be that perfect can you? Why do I bother? I don't know. I'm not sure why I stick around even. I promised my mom I wouldn't die leaving her with questions. Holiday's are coming. And so does my deathday. 17 days 17 days and I'm one year past my due date. Why didn't it work, I wonder. He shouldn't have saved me, and I shouldn't have taken him with me. The only mistake I'll regret infinitely. I should have been dead.
Wish you were here, me oh my, country man I wish you were here, wish you were here, don't you know, the storm is getting colder, and I miss you like Hell, and I'm feeling blue...
Fuck it, it really never ends. I fucked up, once again.... I
was relatively ok, till I found out that another 300 fine is coming
my way. I already am broke. And now I'm even worse. I make 2000 a
month and still I can't cope. Because I fuck up. Time after time. And I'm lonely. She called, to give her e-mail adress. So I could send her a message. She doesn't know what she's starting. I can't worry them too. They're friends with you. They're friends with her. You go out together, do fun things, whatever. Life I'm not a part of anymore. I can't see them, I can't even go and take a look at the baby. The baby she touched, held, you cherished, visited...
I'm alone. As always. I'm alone. No
one to save me, no one to comfort me when I can't cope, no one to tell
me everything will be fine and then helps me get through things. Responsible for everything. Taking care of everything. And fucking up. All the time.
I should send a message, I shouldn't send.... I can't figure it out. Where do I start? How do you tell people that your main purpose in life is to die? That you're trying to get away from it all? And how does that rhyme with not affecting their lives... I can't figure it out. I really wish I had someone to give me advise. To tell me what to do. To take my hand, and drag me through this shit that's called life. Where is my saviour? Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me weak, powerless, useless? You took all my strength with you. I hope you're happy though. Happy with all I've given you. Please please be happy, then all of this suffering I go through will at least have had his goal.
A burden I am and I hate it. No one has to know what's up with me. I can act as if... As if all's perished. No more talking. No one to talk to anymore. Not even sure whether I'll ever see anyone again. I'm alone. All alone. Can't show myself, can't show my troubles, can't communicate. I'm a burden to life, a burden to everyone. I stop. I decided to stop talking. No one 'll know how I'm doing. Not being sure whether I'll ever see my sister again, Or the little one, or my parents ftm, Or the horses, Or the only one I love. Alone. All alone. Not talking never was so complicated. I need to do this, I know. If no one knows, if everyone thinks I'm fine... They don't worry. Dead inside, People're not supposed to be alone. We belong in the herd. I've lost the herd, I'm left for the predators to take me away. One day I will. Alone, not loved by anyone, I abandoned them all. And they think I chose to abandon them. I don't belong here, I'm nothing. I mean nothing. Perish, DIE BITCH, DIE
If only I don't bend and break I'll meet you on the other side I'll meet you in the light If only I don't suffocate I'll meet you in the morning when you wake
And I did, I woke up, and you weren't there. I dreamt the most magnificent dream tonight. You allowed me to come back. You wanted me to come back. You loved me and me alone, I hugged the horses, I was home again. And then I woke up, to an empty existence, everything shattering at once, pain returning to my heart, a heart that felt no joy for months, suddenly ripped from joy again. The agony is indescribable. The pain breathtaking, with bewildered eyes I glanced at my face. I'm extremely pale. Hollow. Black shadows underneath my eyes. I look like a corpse. A walking corpse. I look bad, worse than ever, and probably will look even worse tomorrow. Now I'm afraid to sleep, and dream that amazing dream again, and then, wake up.
Please let me die before I wake, I plea to God my soul to take
No one even takes me serious anymore. Threathening
with death only works when you actually die angel, they don't believe
you've got it in you, they don't think you will go through with it. I'll show them :). And that is plain cruel dutchess. Plain cruel I tell ya....
It's
cruel of them too. Wanting me to live with no future ahead. And
expecting me to find a "new life" when I still want my old life back. When I know I'll never get that again, I can buy a house, horses, but I'll never be home again. Am
I really the only one who felt that? Am I the only one alive that
feels so deep? That has such great emotions that they simply cannot be
ignored? I can't move on. It's impossible to move on. One phonecall, one reassurance and I can go on again. But the line stays dead, the world has forgotten about me...
