De memoires van Cassandra en Cassanova, final chapter.
26-12-2009
My life is a roadmap of pain
Tell me why, so I can quietly bitch and moan To this light, that I'm not going down! Hanging by, the rope you tie for me! Lift me up, while I'm still alive!
You're happy. They told me. You really are happy. After so long a time? 3 months isn't long. Insignificant little me... "I really hope you'll get your life back on track..." "that you choose the right path" No you don't. Don't try to be nice. No one wants me to be happy, they only want me out of their sight. Preferably not dead. 'Cause then guilt might kick in. Then I'd be interferring with their lives. As long as I stay out of the picture. Everything's alright. How could you leave me like this? How could you so not fight for me? How could you care so little for me? I really meant nothing to you? How on earth do you manage to be happy? I thought we were connected? I really thought my pain would be yours, as yours is mine. But you don't care. You sold me out to save yourself. You don't care what happens to me, you'd rather not know than hear the truth. Than hear what I've got to say. Hear that I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. Every few seconds hoping I'll drop dead. Longing for the end. I really really really want to die. Why can't I?
I can't cope with life. What's next for me? Watching you get married, get children, watching her ride my horses, watching you two grow old together... Why do I have to go through all that? Why do I have to suffer every second of every day? Getting beat up, blackmailed, cursed upon, damaged, every single day. Harsh words, said to taunt me, to break me, to make me numb, to make me a sheep, an unhappy one I might add. I'm broken, I'm dead, Haven't I been punished enough? Haven't I suffered enough? Why can't I go? Why won't all of you let me go? "If you want to talk, you can call me..." I don't want to talk, I want to DIE. I want out of here, I'm sick of it, literally, I hate living, I hate being hurt all the time. This isn't life, this is hell, I'm probably not alive, I died last year, and ended up in hell, that's what happened.... That must be what happened. I'll never get out of here again. I must, I must pull my act together, I will die, suckers, and see you all on the other side. Live happily ever after, world that betrayed me. And then the doubts, what about my parents, they'll hurt I know they will, I can't be selfish... But really, how selfish is it that I'm done with suffering? "In suicide, the only ones that really get hurt are the ones who're left behind..." I'm not leaving anyone behind. Except for my parents, and my sister. The rest is rubbish. No one else cares. 5 people I don't want to hurt. 5 people for whom I live this torture, day in and day out. How much longer can I go on, How much longer will I stand my ground, I'm on the verge of collapsing. No one will notice, Ever so quiet, as all my suffering went. I'm screaming, why won't anyone hear me? Why have you left me? Why can't I be loved and cherished? What the fuck is so wrong with me?
