De memoires van Cassandra en Cassanova, final chapter.
16-12-2009
What's the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you
Only, you're not lonely, I'm the only lonely one here. You never cared, I'm meaningless. I can't blame you, I really am. It
hit me suddenly yesterday, after working my ass off ironing, I'm
worthless, he chatting with his girlfriends, I slaving my way round the
house. Not even noticed. I've wasted away. Unnoticed by my
surroundings, I don't have surroundings left. I was so immensly sad,
and so very very lost. Again. And then angry, pissed off with myself,
hating myself for being like that. Hating myself for being NOTHING. No
one really cares. They all 've got excuses. Why they're so much
better than I am. "Men move on more quickly" really? Come on, what
kind of excuse is that? For not caring? Not fighting? Not even TRYING
to help me? He ran away to save himself, he didn't hate enough to
love, is that supposed to be enough? He ran, and took me with him, only
he doesn't know. He's not even reminded by my, he probably doesn't
even remember what I look like. No one really cares. No one. If I end my life, will anyone cry? Really cry for me? For they've lost me? They already have, no one's crying now. Everyone is LIVING their lives, I'm not a part of life anymore. I so want to die, leave me, let me be, go away and let me FUCKING DIE. The hell with it, No one loves me, and that'll never change, I despise of myself for having been a slave all these years, and I still am. Devoting my life to make him a better person. To make him successfull. No one would do that for me. No one really cares. No one's even reading this, No reactions, nothing what so ever. Even she's got a thousand people answering her plea. Telling her to hang in there. For whom should I continue? Because right now, it wouldn't make sense to go. And that's the only reason why I'm still here. It doesn't make fucking sence. No matter what I say, The only answer is: you are special! You're sweet. Of course I am, I do everything to make someone else happy. I hate living. I'll always be the lonely me, Love as such does not exist.
These days are dead again, it's emtpy from the start, and it drives me crazy, The hours drift away, it hurts to remember, This will soon be over... Should it all come crashing down around me? Should you be there? Should I stumble or fall, and pick up the pieces.... Closer and closer to the end of the year. Further and further away from you. Who'll ever hear me? Who would understand? Why can't it all just go away? I
can nag on and on about wanting to be dead, there's no one who listens,
no one who believes. And no one who can change anything. Not even me. Why do I have to endure this? Why me? Can't feel sorry for myself. I'm not an emotional fucked up bitch. I'm a dutchess. Her highness, a lady. The most..... fucked up person alive.. That's what you are, don't fool yourself. You're
nothing,nothing but a worthless piece of crap. You're exactly what
everyone thinks you are. A no one. And a stupid one too I might
add.... And you. Trying to work. I was so angry with you yesterday, jealous of what I've got? Of what I am? I
worked for it. And can't you fucking see I've got none of it left?
Even the will to go on has vanished. What do you want from me? That
you can provide for me? That the last usefull thing I do in this life
will be taken away from me. Is that what you want? You want to be a hero? Work for it. Stop giving up, and stop blaming me. And
Fuck it, I understand. I always do. No one else does. No one
understands me. But I know you, your every thought whispers in my ear.
Your very reason for existance, is what I created for you. The myth,
the story, the goal, the purpose. I gave it you. Stripping me of my
life. I gave it to you. And then you go on whining and complaining.
What do you think? I'm god? I'm not, I can't do everything in your
place. Life's not just a bitch, she's a vicious one too. Why am I still lonely? Why is there still no one who rescues me? Why do I have to breathe everyday. Why WHy WHY? I don't want to have christmass without you.
