De memoires van Cassandra en Cassanova, final chapter.
23-11-2009
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Two names, linked by two letters, proof of your happiness, and my despair. I seem to live for pain. She wants to see me, wants to be my friend, I can only hurt inside for what I've lost. I've been replaced with someone better, not only in your life but in every aspect of mine too. She took over, and you love her for it. I barely sleep. Can't remember when I slept more than four hours, I lay awake, or am kept awake, if I don't, I dream. Horrible dreams. Crazy dreams. Never ending agony. Whether awake or asleep, nothing brings me comfort anymore. The role is getting easier. I stopped fighting it, and I enhance every day. I
don't know whether that's good or bad. It makes him happy though and
that affects me too. Circumstances beyond my control still take flight,
but at least I didn't cause them. I'm vulnerable, I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm writing my funeral. Line by line, not expecting anyone to be there, but still. I want to be prepared, I don't want to cause more harm than I already did. I need a notary, my will, I must specify my will.... Got to be prepared, I never stopped my life insurance, I wonder whether it 'll pay his mortgage back, bet he'd like that.
"though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I deserve every sling and arrow that wrecks me..."
