Update of monday:I don't feel like sharing too much but my mom and dad punched me.
And I cried the whole night.I wanted to cut myself again(but I didn't??) Instead I burned myself.my french exam went good I mean like it wasn't hard and I've lived for 1year in france so yeah.
Update of today;my exam english went great.I didn't have any problems with like nothing.and I finished as first.but like that girl who doesn't even know the difference between to and too was done after me haha no sit your ass down lol.
I don't know what I'm going to do or how to act when my parents will be home sigh.
God I'm so tired.I barely slept this weekend bc saturday I had to go to work so I had to be awake at 6am.and today I had to wake up at fucking 10 am to eat while I went to bed at 3am.
But I kept thinking about my attractive co-worker and I feel like I have a tiny crush on her..
Idk it may be or not be but I feel like I like her bc I try to forget my ex-girlfriend.does that makes sense????ugh we will see.
I barely studied for my french exam llol ok
I've had my first day and it went great(idk if I said I hoped to get a good looking girl to help me bc I'm new)but I had a verry good looking girl.at first I had a women around 29 years old or so.(Idk she already had kids but she doesn't look old)but she had to go so someone else helped me.
She was really kind.ugh but yeah I hope I see her a lot.
My mom bought a bbq of 200 euros wtf???????????????????????????????????????? No I'm not confused I'm mad.
Oh god you don't even know how happy I am.
I hope I get enough money to but the things I want.I don't know if I still want to spend my money on going on vacation with my best friendooo.
My exams are going so far so good I guess.
Geographic was easy like haha I didn't learn cuz I knew we could use everything.I believe that my teacher is crazy and drunk.
And history went good because I learned much.idk I hope for the best.
But all that's going on in my head is what I'm going to buy lol.
Maybe a laptop or a phone or a guitar or an ipod.
And some albums but what I'm sure of is merch of bands omg yes.
I would like to have a boy or girlfriend for in the summer tbh omfg.that would be awesome..
My first exam went good.
When I got home I studied while I was laying in the sun.
I have self harm scars(from the past) and they are white again like before.ew.
I wore a shirt today at school.only in class though so noone could see my scars.and they wouldn't care if they saw.
My mom and dad and my brother are at a bbq with their friends(which is weird cuz do old people have friends???)But its almost 11pm and they aren't back yet.my brother is 11 so he has to go to bed bc school tomorrow.I'm like worried something is wrong.
Today in class a guy(who's really aggressive)punched me with my own hand like more than 30 times.at first it was soft but it always got harder.everyone off my class were just standing and looking and laughing.then there was this girl(who was laughing the most)decided it wasn't okay.so she got angry and made a scene lol what an attention seeker.like It was fucking me who got punched in the face for more than 30 times!!!
So he stopped and after class he was surprised why is was mad at him??
We had 4hours class.so we could go home before lunchtime.
I normally had to study for my exam tomorrow lol but I didn't do anything.like I ate and it was like 2o'clock.I didn't want to study so whatever lol
I went home from school and my sister(the one I don't like and no one sees her as family)was making a drama(again) of how I stole a fucking CANDLE of her fucking hell!!
My mom was helping her omg.
Its like my family has too much chromosomes of being two faced.
So they were starting to piss me off and I said to my ''sister'' that she doesn't mean a shit to me and that she should die.
I don't care.
She's a living lie.
Sigh I didn't go to lana her concert.
Now let's hope I've got the job bc I didn't go to her concert for the job.
If I have the job(and money) I'm going to buy a laptop(maybe) and going on vacation with my best friends!I at least can dream because life sucks.I keep being sad.
I can't do it anymore.
Woah..
I've been having thoughts about my ex girlfriend how we kiss and she holding me.and laying in one bed.its killing me.
I cried again today.
I need her in my life
Or I won't be alive
Well,I posted a post yesterday saying I will go to lana but we didn't find tickets.
And plus I'm working
Wtf like no I was supposed to go to see lana yoo!!
Me and my ex boyfriend talked today again.I saw it coming on tuesday that we were going to talk again cuz he sometimes tried to have eye contact and stuff.
We talked about yeah idek about what but it felt good.
Omfg I'm going to lana del rey
My dad wanted me to go so he got my mom made up her mind so now we are trying to find tickets.I hope we will find omg yAAAYY
Oh god today was a good day bc my oral exam went good and my cooking exam too.I even got compliments.
But oh right now I feel like my heart will never heal again.I read my ex girl friend and my old conversations.
I broke down.I didn't know I could cry.I only cry in myself.
I don't know if I can go to school tomorrow.
I'm broken.I'm sorry oh
its disgusting that gay people need to fight for (gay)rights
It really is.
In idk 30 years or so kids will be learning in class that gays had to fight for rights they deserve.lol I really hate people.
I have oral exam tomorrow fuck I don't like to talk in big crowds(20 people is big ok)
I'm going to run with my sister yoo
Next friday,lana del rey will be giving a concert where I live.
I don't have tickets and its sold out already al long time ago.
I've searched for tickets online to buy.
I found one who seems trustfully.But I bet my mom doesn't want to buy it.
Its one ticket so even if she buys it only I can go.I really love lana.ugh sigh I want to go :(
I am going to convince my mom to buy it by saying I will give you the money when I have money,I promise and stuff like you know how much I love her.if this turns out to be fake I've learned my lesson.please please.
But I know how my mom is,though.she will say no,no matter what.
I will give it a shot tomorrow(no today)bc its 1 a.m
Let's pray.
This morning I was stuDYING for the exams and my parents were food-shopping and they got an application for me to get a job!
I filled it in and went with my bike to the shop.Let's hope I've got the job.
Me and my friends were already planning to go on vacation(yes in our country but still cool)
I remember my big sister telling me you can thing that boys and girls are cute.that was 5 years ago.when I was ten.When we went shopping she said that she found that girl gorgeous and that they had nice hair and stuff.when I was ten,I thought that something like that didn't exist.but now,I think boys and girls are cute aswell.
Fact:the first time I found a girl really really pretty was when I was 11.she was my first girl crush.
My oldest sister and her boyfriend(almost 5year together)are here and her boyfriend michael is really rude to her..he sits with us talking and laughing mostly and my sister does the disher like wtf???doesn't you need to sit with us??
My heart hurted again.At lunchtime it started to hurt so much I barely could breathe.
Today was euh..okay?Nothing special.I feel like nothing can sheer me up.I discovered that the contest of going to a concert of demi on the 31 in this month ends thursday.So its good to know that I may have a chance.(I do hope I win)(I love her ay)
But I've come to the point that I realized that I need to study really badly for the exams if I want to pass it.
I would like to study for being a therapist,or something with language(I would like to be a writer,poet,..)Or I would like to be dead.Its one of those 3 things.I may pick the last one.
We had to do our exam french.Not the whole exam but just a little bit??.
Tomorrow,titanic is on the television.I'm excited to see the movie bc honesty I haven't seen the movie yet.But I've seen some gifs on tumblr.(Mmm leonardo is mmmmm)
My ex boyfriend (you see how I don't use best friend anymore??)has a new girlfriend lol she's like way too young for her and she's a grenade.(No this is not jealously)(if you think so you can fuck off)
Update:we still haven't talked.I like it that way.Now I don't get annoyed anymore.Even though I don't have any friends in my class.whatever school is almost over.
But my light of my blackberry is showing orange so that means my phone is almost dead.
It's also late,so I'm going to sleep.
Idk what to write bc my life is so bored.
I went to the library.I got a little book of all the love poems of william shakespeare!!
When I was there,there was this girl who was on the internet and she kept looking at me euh??She wasn't ugly but she basically ate me alive lol.
I still haven't talked to my "best friend".
I don't know how to tell my friends I don't go to lana del reys concert sigh.
I almost got tickets to see demi lovato on the same day lana del rey would be here where I live.but demi lovato gives a concert in london.it would have been awesome that I would be there cuz I do like demi her music(and her as a person).but no I never win anything,literally.
I don't have fags anymore and I neither have money oh,sad life
Oops I literally haven't talked to my "best friend" for 6 days.Well ok.At first I didn't make an effort to talk to him and wait for him when the class ends.And now he isn't.I don't mind.I am not the one who's trying to make the other jealous.lol.
I made macaroni today at school.I really like to cook but not to eat afterwards.I feel full so fast.
At the moment,I am trying hard to study for the upcoming exams and trying to fade my scars.I don't want them.I like them but I don't want them anymore.I will probably relapse again.* year ago or so I tried to recover.after 3 months or so I relapsed and to be honest I like my relapse scar the most..
I feel really tired but I can't sleep.??
I've been flirting with one of my friends(she's a girl.you know the girl I kinda like).ugh I try not to but I maybe think she has a crush on me lol idk I've been best friends with her for more than 3 years..she gives me so much mixes signs
I woke up just like all the other days..I hoped I didn't wake up.But it doesn't work like that. I get it.
I planned to go to the library today but I had to go to the bakery so I was already late to go to the library and then my brother was being a dick.So I didn't want to go there anymore.
I decorated my room.I made a blanket tent of my bed.yay I feel like I'm sleeping outside.
Ew I was watching tv today and it was a marathon of series of young and married and I came to the decision that I will never marry.
But when I slept over my friends house(she's a girl)we watched it too and she was like "I really want to be married young".So my plan is to let her sleep over my place in the summer when I'm home alone(wich won't be too much) and we will watch the show and she'll problably say the same and I will be like "will you marry me??" Hahaa yeah I know but I do like her.but we've been friends for over 3years now.Less than a month ago she said that if something would have happen between us it would have already happen.
No,my lover,it hasn't but it will.
Its weekend so I started to study for the upcoming exames woah..
Idk 2 or 3 days ago my parents went to school to talk about next school year and my teachers said that they have faith in me and that I can do it.we will see but it won't make a differance anyway.(My believes).
I was lying in bed,watching tv and I laughed about something and my heart starts to hurt really badly.its the same pain I have since I was 11.
When I was 12 or 13 we went to the hospital to search what it really was.They still haven't figured it out(everything seemed okay).so life just went on.Every once in a while I have the problem again but now(I'm 15) I am struggling with the problem more and more.So like 15 minutes ago I had it again and it was like this was the end.I thought that it was the end and it felt like it.I couldn't move or breathe so I just lay there in massive pain but 2 or 4 minutes later it was over.oh wow..maybe I'm over acting and such but I think its a serious problem.
Its weekend and basically my first chance to study for the upcoming exams.
I really need to study to pass ugh I just feel like I should have died when I was at my lowest.
I've been down all day today lol and not a single person cared to ask.
I miss to self-harm woah my heart hurts so much.
I don't want it to be summer bc people will see my scars..(And my fat body)
Well whatever I'm done
