I woke up just like all the other days..I hoped I didn't wake up.But it doesn't work like that. I get it.
I planned to go to the library today but I had to go to the bakery so I was already late to go to the library and then my brother was being a dick.So I didn't want to go there anymore.
I decorated my room.I made a blanket tent of my bed.yay I feel like I'm sleeping outside.
Ew I was watching tv today and it was a marathon of series of young and married and I came to the decision that I will never marry.
But when I slept over my friends house(she's a girl)we watched it too and she was like "I really want to be married young".So my plan is to let her sleep over my place in the summer when I'm home alone(wich won't be too much) and we will watch the show and she'll problably say the same and I will be like "will you marry me??" Hahaa yeah I know but I do like her.but we've been friends for over 3years now.Less than a month ago she said that if something would have happen between us it would have already happen.
No,my lover,it hasn't but it will.
Its weekend so I started to study for the upcoming exames woah..
Idk 2 or 3 days ago my parents went to school to talk about next school year and my teachers said that they have faith in me and that I can do it.we will see but it won't make a differance anyway.(My believes).
I was lying in bed,watching tv and I laughed about something and my heart starts to hurt really badly.its the same pain I have since I was 11.
When I was 12 or 13 we went to the hospital to search what it really was.They still haven't figured it out(everything seemed okay).so life just went on.Every once in a while I have the problem again but now(I'm 15) I am struggling with the problem more and more.So like 15 minutes ago I had it again and it was like this was the end.I thought that it was the end and it felt like it.I couldn't move or breathe so I just lay there in massive pain but 2 or 4 minutes later it was over.oh wow..maybe I'm over acting and such but I think its a serious problem.
Its weekend and basically my first chance to study for the upcoming exams.
I really need to study to pass ugh I just feel like I should have died when I was at my lowest.
I've been down all day today lol and not a single person cared to ask.
I miss to self-harm woah my heart hurts so much.
I don't want it to be summer bc people will see my scars..(And my fat body)
Well whatever I'm done
I've got stress bc in 3weeks I have exams.I need to have good grades to pass.
Life hasn't really changed so I don't know what to blog about #whitegirlprobslmao
My best friend is still jealous bc I talk more with Niels(the guy who's flirting with me,and I with him tbh)than him.I can see and feel it that he's jealous and then he tries to make me jealous by saying things like' 'eh when r we going to meet with the hot chick''to a friend of him really loudly so he's sure I've heard him.sigh I'm getting annoying bc of him.
And he keeps looking at Niels and me when were standing together.
Can it be over yet??
Wow I haven't talked to my best friends today oops.
I normally go by bike to school but it was raining too much so I went by bus and I was waiting on the bus,smoking a fag.and a girl I used to follow on tumblr was there too.I knew she sometimes takes the same bus, too but it was strange that we were alone.(She's a friend of a girl I already had met of tumblr so yeah I know her from the girl)
Sunday, my sister and I ate fries so we went shopping for food and she usually smokes fags but we passed by a spot that smelled like drugs and out of the blue she takes a joint out of her fucking pocket???like euh??
I've got new books(harry potter!).
School started and it was a good day.my best friend and I talked about sex,porn,..it was the first time he was mature about such things.
(I lost 2 followers on tumblr lmao)
A girl in my class(she has the same name as me but written different)its her birthday and I had the idea to watch porn so we all did(2 girls didn't want to watch)(they are kind of the outcast??) and it wasn't pleasant like at all.lol.
Me and my bff wrote on a table.(5months ago)we wrote like things like our name(yes that was stupid) is a lesbian omg.
I like sigarettes too much
this is not a post about lolita(no sarcasm i swear)
Realising that I cannot hold on to the old feelings she forgot hurts.Maybe i should let her go.i dont like her.no i dont.i dont.(he broke my heart you merely broke my life)(oops sorry that was lolita)(but no i swear i wont do it again). My heart is so so tired.
he broke my heart.you merely broke my life;lolita(part 2)
I guess I will finish the book today.
I read my post again I posted before and I noticed I wrote like the writer himself.
But ok.I'm going to write a review from what I've read already.(I am at 222 I guess)
I love how the writer writes his book.It makes me want to read the book more than once.
Humbert and lolita are now on 'vacation' and humbert is getting mad at lolita bc she's talking to guys.(What surprised me was that lolita had a lesbian affair lol)
I guess,what's going to happen in the book(what I got from the quotes) is that they are going to have a massive fight and lolita tries to run away with all the money she has(which isn't a lot)but humbert finds her bc he's so in love with her.but maybe lolita is going to fall in love with him,too??
What I find frustrating in the book to read is that the writer uses lolitas name too much and he gives her more than one nickname too.(YES I KNOW that I basically only say bad things about the book but I'm not going to write all the good things bc that would take forever )
*to be continued*
*smiley face*
As you know,I am reading lolita and I just want to rant about the book.
So,its totally different than I ecxpected.before I read it, I thought it would have been written in lolitas perspective.and I wouldn't have thought lolita is 12 and humbert not that old(how old is he???he can't be over 30??).
But I'm at page 144 things can only get better,right?
I don't understand why Humbert married with lolitas mom:charlotte when he's so in love with the little girl lolita.
I didn't expect it at all that charlotte would die like that I maybe hoped that he would have killed her..for some crazy reason..
I feel like the writer is humbert its weird I guess but how its written wow maybe I'm driving myself crazy that humbert is a phedophile.(So that would mean the writer is,too????)No that's so closed-minded of me.
I didn't really like charlotte bc she was annoying and bc of her I wanted to stop reading.but I'm glad she basically died.
*to be continued*
When I bought fags I drove away to somewhere alone and my heart hurted so much I almost died.It may have hurted so much bc I haven't eaten properly yesterday and today feel so sick and tired.
I have a big desire to talk to C. From tumblr and just meet her in person whaa.
I barely spoke at school because I was reading lolita the whole time realllly love the book
I made pizza my self.its delicious
Yup the weekend has started so I'm going to enjoy it.
so I am automatically over thinking everything I possibly can.
I haven't eaten properly today wow like I've only eaten soup and some cookies and drank abit.
I'm not hungry.wow.for the first time oh yeah its true I ate m&ms after I came home from school lol maybe that's why I feel sick.I took 5 euro(with permission) from my mom and my sister was near me while I took it and she stole 2 euros.I know its not al lot/and I shouldn't be bothered but my parents are having some issues with money so its hard to still see her steal money. My mom seemed seriously happy this evening.I was reading lolita while she was planting plants and stuff.she seems to really enjoy it(that makes me so damn happy to see her enjoy it)
Well I spend like 5 minutes to write this and I feel more sleepy so I'm going to try to sleep.
-To go to school
-after school:buy fags(aka cigarettes)
-bike to somewhere I am alone
-read there
-smoke there
-drink alcohol there
To start the weekend great.
Yup.I.am.excited.
I felt so strange today.
I felt like I was in a dream or a movie or something idk it was weird.like I wasn't there.
I was reading lolita in the morning and my dutch teacher past me by and asked which book I was reading so I let her see the title and she was like 'ohh lo-lie-ta do you like it?'I replied yeah but I didn't really like the begining and my teacher said she didn't understand it either lol.she was smiling as she went away ahh.
At lunchtime my friend fucking did soup on my jacket and it was raining when school was out ugh.we made cookies and soup at school they were okay hah..
we've got like 20 packets of m&ms yayyyy
I felt really good today it was like nothing went wrong only had a really bad headache ugh..
I went to the library and I got some new books:lolita,an abundance of katherines and two other books.I'm reallyyyyy excited to read them all yay!!we don't have school on thursday and friday so I'm already looking forward for wensday to start the weekend.
My best friend is starting to touch me like the whole time sigh he's starting to act like the guy in my class.
A friend told me some choking things about my ex girlfriend I feel bad for her.
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Lolita the light of my life.
its weekend yay.I havent really done anything but it doesnt matter im still happy :) it was sunny today so i sat in the garden and smoked and listened to music.I am currently watching a tv show named 'catfish'.its about people who fall in love on the internet.i really would love to meet some friends i made on the internet.but the only difference between my life and the tv show is that i am sure they are really the peron they say they are bc i have met them on tumblr(its a blog lol,basically my life yeah).
OMG YES PAULIEN WON !!!
And bastille was great omfg
This day couldn't get any better.I am so happy she won wow she really deserves it.
I went downstairs to tell my parent she won and I forgot to wear socks so they could see my tattoo on my foot.I thought she would have said something but she didn't.she problably thought I just draw on my foot lol
Well its midnight so I'm going to sleep.
Bastille is going to sing live on the radio/tv and I'm so excited ahhhh !!!
Today was better than yesterday cuz I tried not to bother and it worked most of the time.
I've talked a lot to my best friend today about us and his feelings basically.
I really can't figure out what to write in my title lmao.
Its the final of the voice van vlaanderen and I hope paulien is going to win bc she deserves it.she has a lovely voice!
I am really sad about the fact that I can't see lana del rey live,sigh..
I'm going to work out more bc people are calling me fat basically.they don't really say that I'm fat but they give me hints like If they poke me they are like wow uve got some fatty left from when u was a baby yeah thanks for the compliment yo.
Well I'm going to wait for bastille to sing yoooo!
Today was shit.
I couldn't properly fake a smile.so all my friends kept asking what was wrong,sigh.
And one girl kept saying that I was sad bc of the girl I've dated almost a year ago(I'm still not over her)
So I haven't really talked today.
My class is so annoying I just want to kill them all.They probs have a hard time coping with their teenage problems but whatever.I just don't like them at all.and I don't fit in.
At dinner my sister was talking about getting a tattoo and my mom was like hey don't you want a tattoo? And then I was like hehhe yeah maybe
Well that was awkward.
That guy I talked about a post ago or so(who was playing with me who's in some same classes )is becoming a really good friend cuddle a lot and he pokes me whole the time(I am ticklish so I laugh whole the time)but I don't want to love anyone am just not ready for a relationship don't think I will ever be.
And my best friend(who was my boyfriend) is jealous bc I don't spend much time with him anymore sigh.
My bff is listening to mumford and sons just because I love them to death nononono that's not what you're gonna do yo.They are my favorite not fucking yours.(Oops sorry for my language)
Remember I said I made a tattoo??
Well I made a second one.
The one that says 'I think I made you up inside my head' turned out to be pretty(wich is on my arm).the other one is on my right feet.its like a molecule that's important for your emotions and sleep and such and yeah I realllyyyyy love it.
Like a month ago I did it for the first time wich said 'healing' but it really hurted so I scrubbed(idk if it is the right word??) it off.
(Tomorrow we are going to cook at school so I am already excited yay.
Yesterday someone just started to talk to me and today we had to go to school even though it is weekend but whatever i saw that guy from yesterday again and i have got his number.When i went back home i sat down on a bench reading a book and an old man sat next to me.He tried to be poetic and stuff lol it didnt really work though.I tattooed myself today.It says; 'i think i made you up inside my head.
