Another day at work yesterday. Everything was fine. We kept our distance. Colleague had birthday drink after work. SC came with his ex!! Why not, I guess. They were a little bit touchy feely still, and I tried not to look at them. Maybe it hurt a little, but I don't think I let it show. I think he still likes her, or at least more than he likes me, which isn't all that much anyway. I sent him a text saying that I really like him, that I'm not using him. That I think he's sweet. I don't really regret it, but I don't like bothering him with my feelings. If I'm honest, I don't know what I feel for him. Unrequited love. Sometimes I think that's exactly what it is. Maybe he needs to know this too. And that it's hard for me to deal with.
I so want everything back to normal, but these things take time, I guess.
I dreamt I saw a dead man floating in green water, under the arch of a bridge. I was watching from a platform or a pier, my brother was standing beside me. The man was around 60. He still had a lot of colour (reddish) for a dead man. I phoned the police with a cell phone (I dialled 0101), they asked me if his heart was still intact. I said I didn't know.
What a stupid question to ask about a dead man.
What or who does the dead man represent? My marriage? Of course it's dead, no question about it. My relationship with SC? I want it to be dead, but there's too much colour there still. And I have no clue about the heart. His: I doubt that it's still beating for me, mine: is definitely beating still for him.
I'm thinking of going abroad, to London. To live there for a year or longer. Nothing is really keeping me here now.
Dream interpretation
Water To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. To see muddy or dirty water in your dream, indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to devote some time to clarify your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, it suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it indicates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions.
The dead man was floating in green water, I was watching from a little platform.
Bridge To dream that you are crossing a bridge, signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage. If the bridge is over water, then it suggests that your transition will be an emotional one. If you fall off the bridge and into the water, then the dream indicates that you are letting your emotions hold you back and prevent you from moving forward. Alternatively, the bridge may indicate that you are trying to "bridge" or connect two things together.
Arch To see an arch in your dream, represents your support system.
To dream that you are passing under an arch, signifies new opportunities. You are headed toward a different direction or phase in your life.
Green Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, fertility, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. Green is also symbolic of your strive to gain recognition and establish your independence. Money, wealth and jealousy are often associated with this color.
Olive Green The olive green color symbolizes natural wisdom and Zen. You need to achieve peace in your environment.
Red Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations. Consider the phrase "seeing red" to denote anger.
Red is also the color of danger, shame, sexual impulses and urges. Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions.
Heart To see your heart in your dream, signifies truth, courage, love, and romance. It is representative of how you are currently dealing with your feelings and expressing your emotions. Also consider the saying "the heart of the matter" which implies that you may need to get down to the core of a situation before proceeding.
Floating To dream that you are floating in water, suggests that you have a handle on your emotions.
Corpse To see a corpse in your dream, represents an aspect of yourself that has died. Or it may mean that you are unexpressive. You have shut yourself down and are dead inside.
Mmm, I don't believe this is it. I think the dead man represents the death of my relationship with a man (SC). I'm unsure if in his heart he still has feelings for me, I think that's how the heart business needs to be interpreted.
Brother To see your brother in your dream, may symbolize some aspect of your relationship with him. It can also serve to remind you that someone in your waking life has certain characteristics/behavior similar to your brother's.
If you do not have a brother and dream that you have one, then he may symbolize characteristics that you need to acknowledge within yourself. The brother in your dream can also be synonymous with a close friend or buddy. Brother also has religious implications and thus represents spiritual issues. Consider also the familiar phrase "big brother is watching you" which indicate that your dream has to deal with issues of authority and oppression.
Cell Phone To see or use a cell phone in your dream, indicates that you are being receptive to new information. It also represents your mobility.
Police The police symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control.
To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police, suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life.
Pier To see or dream that you are on a pier, represents self-reflection and an introspect into your unconscious. You are ready to explore and grow as an individual. The dream signal emotional and spiritual growth.
Zero Zero denotes timelessness, super-conscious, eternity, and absolute freedom. It also symbolizes God.
One One stands for individuality, individuality solitude, the ego, leadership, originality, beginnings, and a winner. It also stands for a higher spiritual force.
Work went really well today. I kept my distance from sexy colleague, and felt I had no business talking to him even. I kept myself to myself, and to whomever was in a chatty mood. He clearly wasn't, and not just with me. I have accepted that he doesn't want me to try and be involved with him, I leave him alone now. But if he ever wants me again, he'll have to spell it out for me, because I don't trust his body language anymore. I'm relieved I've become a little wiser now and that I think I will be able to keep this up forever, keeping my distance, I mean.
I'm probably very stubborn, that's why, I think, I kept trying and trying with him. Or maybe it's the normal thing to do when you sort of fancy someone. I dunno. I'm really glad for all my friends and family.
I feel I'm slowly finding my ground again, and that living with my parents again is more than ok!
Friends, sunshine, festivals, and books... What more can you wish for??
written on 13 July 2009, must've been on a sunny terrace
"It seems preposterous now. It always did probably if I had been willing to see it. The idea of you and me is simply idiotic. You made it clear you don't want to be that person for me - my little toy or my second half? I think I'm mature enough to see that it's for the best, because I really don't think we would fit into each others' lives very well. I wondered at first if it's because I'm not ready for a new commitment - which is definitely true - but I know as well as you do that it's because our personalities don't match. We don't work together. We don't make each other laugh as you pointed out so rightly. It would be a sad and awkward relationship. I wonder if it would be a bad idea to still sleep with you, to have fun with you, though. For me that would be an ideal arrangement in theory. One single guy to sleep with, to kiss, to be physical with. As long as neither of us is seeing anyone, I think, why the hell not? But I imagine you're probably looking for a new relationship, and that kind of an arrangement would mess things up for you.
And then, wouldn't it be hard for me to come to terms with you seeing someone new? Or vice versa - of course. The aftermath might be too much hard work. But I'm all for trying. A man never does what you want him to do, does he? The scripts and delusions in one's head lead to disappointments so very often. But who doesn't like to daydream from time to time? I've hinted enough at sex now, and you remain passive still, so I take it you're not up for it anymore. I don't want you to love me or want a relationship with me. I'm just craving for that physical contact, and through some bizarre leap of fate, I picked you to indulge my little fantasies. I still wonder why it had to be you? Maybe I felt you could handle this without getting emotionally attached. I don't really know what exactly I was doing or thinking when I told you first. You kinda radiated fun.
I know very well that I'm very self-indulgent, but I know you had fun too."
Holiday!! Am going to Italy soon with Donnie, to visit some friends, swim in the sea, have a few laughs and read a lot probably... I'm totally ready to not be interested in sexy colleague anymore. I can do this!
I should ask him what he thinks I want from him. I think he wouldn't know the answer. Because I don't know the answer. I'm confused, I have no ground beneath my feet so to speak. It's a temporary situation. I should think, even if he were to have a new girlfriend, that it's not the right time. He's entitled to a happy life, I really should be able to wish him all the best. But this devil in me keeps thinking that he's just blocking me because I'm in an awkward situation, divorcing, no home, partying night after night, undecisive, unclear, wayward, stubborn, possessive, etc. I wish I could be my old stable self again. I need to really really ignore him now. Not facebook him, not text him, not try to remember his phone number, and delete it as soon as I know it's safe that I'm not going to remember it. I would love to delete him off my facebook too, but it would be too much of a statement, it would be like admitting I have a problem with him, and I don't want to do that to him or myself. But I'm torn, because if I don't I'm still tempted to look at his profile or even send him messages from time to time, and that is making life so incredibly difficult for myself!!! I wish he would disappear and never come back again, well not for at least 5 years or so. That would sort it.
This is crazy. I know he's not in love with me. I know this very well. It's funny, but I keep hoping he will eventually fall in love with me. Even though I'm quite sure that we don't really have anything to offer each other apart from sex. He said to me after snogging him at a festival that he did not want to be that person for me. He also said he didn't like for me to be jealous if I saw him with some other girl at work. Crazy. I'm now thinking maybe he has someone else. Would it really be unbearable for me? Probably at first, yes. But I really don't want to give up my job. I really love it too much. If he were seeing someone from work or outside of work, I'd want him to change jobs. Why is he such an obsession with me? I really don't understand. He said I used him. He said he wasn't going to let me ruin his weekend. All we did was kiss each other a couple of times at the fucking festival and I know I asked him to have sex with me that night, and he said no, but I didn't sulk or anything about it. But why then on the bus home did he say such horrible things, and why did I say to him that I'm not in love with him, and felt like I meant it too? And why oh why do I have to keep writing about this like some obsessed person. I'm trying to really figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and also I want to find a good way of facing him at work. Since we don't really have anything in common, I should just ignore him. That is the best way to deal with this, I'm quite sure. I want to stop being nervous around him, so I want to work with him as little as possible, interact with him as little as possible, it's the only way.
And then I want to be able to stay strong, not become depressed about it, and stop thinking like he should really be someone I can fool around with at will. He's not my toy, he's not my possession, he's a full-fledged human being, I'm crazy to think I can make him fall in love with me. We'd be an awful match anyway. He's a pleasure seeker, he's always wanting laughs and dreads more serious or personal conversations. He's not the guy for me. The problem I still have though, is that I don't believe there actually exists such a man. A man who can be my best friend, someone who will always make me feel better, and who I'm physically attracted to. There's always some part that's missing it seems.
He wouldn't be writing stuff down like I'm doing now, I know it's not in his nature. I don't know anything about him. All I know he's got a delicious little body, he's seriously hot and has a very sexy croaky voice. But he seems to be looking for a girl who's a lot younger also. I'm his age, in my thirties, and I think he prefers someone quite a bit younger I've noticed. He's so obviously on the look-out also, and that makes me nervous again.
