This is crazy. I know he's not in love with me. I know this very well. It's funny, but I keep hoping he will eventually fall in love with me. Even though I'm quite sure that we don't really have anything to offer each other apart from sex. He said to me after snogging him at a festival that he did not want to be that person for me. He also said he didn't like for me to be jealous if I saw him with some other girl at work. Crazy. I'm now thinking maybe he has someone else. Would it really be unbearable for me? Probably at first, yes. But I really don't want to give up my job. I really love it too much. If he were seeing someone from work or outside of work, I'd want him to change jobs. Why is he such an obsession with me? I really don't understand. He said I used him. He said he wasn't going to let me ruin his weekend. All we did was kiss each other a couple of times at the fucking festival and I know I asked him to have sex with me that night, and he said no, but I didn't sulk or anything about it. But why then on the bus home did he say such horrible things, and why did I say to him that I'm not in love with him, and felt like I meant it too? And why oh why do I have to keep writing about this like some obsessed person. I'm trying to really figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and also I want to find a good way of facing him at work. Since we don't really have anything in common, I should just ignore him. That is the best way to deal with this, I'm quite sure. I want to stop being nervous around him, so I want to work with him as little as possible, interact with him as little as possible, it's the only way.
And then I want to be able to stay strong, not become depressed about it, and stop thinking like he should really be someone I can fool around with at will. He's not my toy, he's not my possession, he's a full-fledged human being, I'm crazy to think I can make him fall in love with me. We'd be an awful match anyway. He's a pleasure seeker, he's always wanting laughs and dreads more serious or personal conversations. He's not the guy for me. The problem I still have though, is that I don't believe there actually exists such a man. A man who can be my best friend, someone who will always make me feel better, and who I'm physically attracted to. There's always some part that's missing it seems.
He wouldn't be writing stuff down like I'm doing now, I know it's not in his nature. I don't know anything about him. All I know he's got a delicious little body, he's seriously hot and has a very sexy croaky voice. But he seems to be looking for a girl who's a lot younger also. I'm his age, in my thirties, and I think he prefers someone quite a bit younger I've noticed. He's so obviously on the look-out also, and that makes me nervous again.
