At work today... Things were awkward. I gave him the letter, he sort of scoffed at it, at me, but he took it. I didn't get any reaction from him until the afternoon. He said he was angry with me because I had kissed him in front of his ex. He said she still meant a lot to him. I didn't know this. Anyway, she never saw nothing anyway. I promised him I wouldn't kiss him anymore. But well, at least I know why he was so upset. He also said that it wasn't his fault that I felt the way I did, I said I knew this very well, but that it wasn't my fault either. These things kinda happen. He said he was not in love with me. It felt so good to hear this articulated like that. I don't think he's angry anymore, but I sent him a text tonight hoping he wasn't and all, and that I honestly didn't know that it had been such a big deal to him. That I wish him hapiness only, and that I hoped he wasn't still angry with me. No reply. But I don't expect a reply anymore, unless I send him a direct question. It's quite clear that's how he functions. I don't feel ashamed of what I did, I mean writing the letter, letting him know how I feel. I don't think it's bad or anything. He finds it hard. But really that, I think, is his problem. He's obviously not ready for me to be his friend.
I cannot believe how arrogant he is though. Why does that attract me so much??
I was thinking I can probably write a short story out of the 'events' of the past few days. Oh, they're probably no big deal to you, but they are to me. I mean, considering my behaviour of these last few months and all. Since March of this year things have taken quite a turn for me. I feel a lot less rushed and fucked up and all. Now anyway. I split up with my husband of four years in March. We'd been going steady for ten years before we got hitched. I'm only 33 now, so you see how young I was. Things had not been going well between us. Nothing major happened or anything, I just felt like I wanted to be with him less and less. He put me down. He made me feel insecure and bad about myself. He sometimes made me feel good about myself too you know, but I didn't need the other bit. And then there was this guy at work. I guess that's how it usually goes with these things. There's always someone else, isn't there. It's like you need someone from outside to open your eyes for you or something.
I'm sitting in a bar right now, pretty much alone except for the bartender, who's reading his paper. I'm drinking my wine and having the occasional cigarette. Oh yeah, I stopped smoking about 5 years ago, but since my break-up I've been having the odd smoke on nights where I'm drinking. I'm no alcoholic or nothing, I just like the occasional drink is all. You know, after a stressful day or at the weekend or something. Anyway, tonight at this bar I met some really nice folk. Bob, Jan and Annemie their names were. They were sitting at the table right in front of me.
I didn't get a text back from him. Nothing. He probably thinks what can I say, it's best to leave her alone. It will pass. No talking. Talking gets me in a mess, he's probably thinking. I dunno. I don't want it to be tough again at work tomorrow. If he's angry with me still we neeeeeeeeeeeeed to talk, that much is clear. I would so like to hear from my other colleague who knows how much I'm suffering now, but I don't want to bother her with my problems. She said not to be ashamed, that I did the right thing by telling him, and that it's not like I'm stalking him or anything.
Well I'm sorry but I have to see this through now. I am in love with you. I'm crazy about you. You're a beautiful person. I care more about you than I knew. I managed somehow to pull the wool over my eyes, or whatever the expression is. I've only realized this since Sunday. It was a painful realization. But it's good. It's good to finally acknowledge this. Whatever your feelings.
You have every right to be angry with me. I can still hardly believe the things I sent you. I was struggling with my feelings. We had fun, but that's over now. You've humbled me, I guess. I'm a little bit ashamed of my behaviour. I don't want to fool around with you anymore, only within a relationship now. I'm not as crazy as I made myself out to be. But, I know you don't reciprocate my feelings anyway. That's probably why I was kidding myself thinking I didn't really have feelings for you either. Sorry, I didn't mean to mess with you like that. Or myself.
Sometimes I don't know when to stop, so I don't know if you need to know this next bit, but anyway. I really hated my relationship with my ex at the end. In fact, it didn't ever feel right. It sounds awful, but it wasn't like that. It gave me stability. But it's important here, because I was fighting the idea of entering a new relationship with you, it felt like I was going backwards. Of course I believe in a relationship, even children. Just not with him, and not right after breaking up with him. I know I was very firm on this subject always, but all these cramped feelings and thoughts seem to have thawed and disappeared now. Life is fluid.
Anyway, now I am digressing a little. What I want to say is that finally something clicked inside my head on Sunday. And I cried my eyes out today, I couldn't work even, because I had all these feelings bottled up inside of me that had to come right out. I know I've been very confusing and confused. I'm sorry if I've been a real bother to you. I may cry again, but it's not your fault or anything. I realize it may take time for you to trust me again. Crazy woman.
For now, I hope you understand a little where I've been coming from, and that you forgive me. I just need to figure out how to deal with seeing you all the time. It's not difficult if you're nice to me, but if you're cold and angry like that, then I feel hurt and want to talk to you. I really don't expect you to fall in love with me or anything, I just want to be able to enjoy working with you again. It's probably too difficult to see you outside of work, because I just want to kiss you after a few beers. It's clear that you're still hung up on your ex, I didn't know that for instance, I don't know anything about your love life. I'm not jealous or anything, I know you need to sort things out in your head too.
All I want is for you to stop cutting me off like that if I tell you how I feel. I can't help what I feel, but it doesn't mean I expect you to feel the same.
I'm really sorry this is a pain for you, I didn't choose for this to happen dude.
Came back from work early today, couldn't stand being in the same building with him. Even though I didn't see him at all. He barely said hello this morning, and looked angry still. I don't know what to do with this awful situation anymore. I sent him another text today saying that I'm in love with him and that it must be difficult for him, but that it's torture for me. and that I wanted to talk. He didn't reply. I'm gonna really ignore him now if he can't be bothered to send me a reply even. Why is he still in my head. Why won't he ever go away?
SC was angry with me today at work. He completely ignored me, I ignored him. I think he thinks this is a game for me or something, but I just needed time to sort out my feelings, and i did it in a most awkward way I guess. I am in love with him, that much is clear now. In fact I love him. But when I saw him with his ex on Saturday night, I knew I couldn't really compete with what they have still. He was all over her still, I thought they were in love, and so did other people who were there. So I thought, fuck it I'm sending him a text, the one I told you about in the previous post. I think that's what's made him angry now. I don't care if he thinks I'm playing around. I'm not, I'm no longer anyway. It's probably too late, but I love him and I really care about him. I didn't before, or at least I didn't want to admit to myself that I cared. I was scared. I needed time to end my previous relationship. That's done now. On thursday my ex and I went for a drink, and all I thought was, I want to get out of here asap. But I was polite and stayed a little while. And now, SC thinks I'm playing a game with him, but I'm not. I even think maybe if he loved me and all, I would like to be the mother of his children if he wanted them. I can't believe I'm saying this!! I truly love him. But whatever is best for him is best. I've had my chance and I ruined it pretty much. The only thing I can do now is show him that I care, without expecting gratitude or anything for that matter. I'm sorry I gave him the wrong impression. I'm not a nympho, but it's obviously what he thinks.
I really care about him.
But I'm no match for his ex (what they have and her beauty) or Lisa (his best friend). I can love him, but it won't ever be enough...
