I'm kinda nervous. I've got quite a few things going on right now, and I always get nervous when there's too many things on my mind.
What makes me happy? - Being free, discovering myself, enjoying all things me, feeling very fit. - Thinking about SC... (He's still responsive => trust > hope)
Even if he's not going to be my lover in the next months or even years, I'd still trust in me and him, I'd do everything I possibly can to make him see how feel. I might fail, but it's the travelling that's more important than the arrival.
I'm experiencing short pangs of euphoria. The right music esp. triggers this, like Imagine by John Lennon.
I've learned so much from my friend Laurie too. About being close to nature, the here and now, focusing on what's right under your nose. Not to run for your train for example. But rather to run for the pleasure of running.
Something I've rediscovered. Coffee. Works really well when I'm tired. I'm not often tired, only ..........
Today I thought about SC roughly 30 times I think. That's not too bad I think. I looked at his pictures again on facebook. The trouble is, even when he looks tired or drunk or whatever, he's still perfect. I still want to reach out and touch him. I wish I could, but this isn't the right time. I'm working on myself at the moment. What does it mean to be me? What do I like, how do I want to spend my time, who do I want to hang out with, etc.
Am playing a lot of basketball lately, lots of ipod listening too. I love to dance and draw. Am starting a drawing course on Wednesday. Also love live music and especially festivals.
Music I listened to today: Gorky, Lou Reed.
I love SC's face when he's excited about something, it becomes very taut and a lot of veins and lines show, it's incredibly sexy. I love his hands, he has this thing with his fingers, he keeps them slightly slanted or something. I love his big blue eyes, they're gorgeous, they're sexy and very telling too, although I can't quite make out of what. They seem to say "it's a long story." I love his bristly hair, it's shiny and it's perfect to run your fingers through, or at least that's how I imagine it. I love his arms, his upperarms especially, the muscles forming a little bump, and I adore his chest, it's so perfect, with just a tiny bit of hair at the top, but it's so well-shaped, it just makes me want to unbutton his shirt, slowly, sheer delight. And then the way he walks, so quickly, so sexy, so cool, it's like he's dancing inside all the time or something. And his beautiful manly voice, slightly hoarse, sometimes a little croaky, but so warm and deep. He commands respect, he really does. In everything he does. Even when he's angry, I can't help but think Wow!!
It's been quite some time since I lasted posted something on my blog. Things have changed a little. I feel I'm able to keep some distance from my SC. The funny thing is, I have the feeling he doesn't like it too much when I ignore him too much. He wants to keep playing I think. I don't know how long I want to continue playing his game. I really like the guy, that's for sure, but I don't - at all - see myself commiting to a new relationship right now, not until I've settled down again. This can take months still, and I don't know if I want to shower him with attention all the while until he succumbs to my persistence. I really feel this is what he's expecting. He's testing my sincerity. He's right to of course, but what about him? Do I not need some sort of declaration from him? He's clearly the king, whom I need to worship. The question is, am I worthy enough of his love? I really suspect he's quite willing to bestow this upon me, if I can just prove to him what he means to me. I dunno. Is this crazy? Does all of this sound really crazy? Probably.
He brought me chocolates out of the blue the other day. Well, not really out of the blue, I guess. He knows I love chocolate, and he had a whole box of them upstairs in the staff room.
He smelled absolutely lovely at work too. And he's always so well dressed these days. I'd dare to say, dressed to impress. I dunno. I'm scared this is going the other way. The scales are being tipped. He's falling for me after all. I don't want him to go crazy over me just yet. I'm divorcing next week. The last of the paperwork, and then I'm officially single. But I haven't my own place to stay yet. I'm still living with my parents.
What's for sure is that I don't want him to be jealous. I know I'm not going to be, because I realize I'm in no position to be jealous. I don't have the right, and jealousy is just an expression of personal insecurities. I want to be sure of myself, of my self-worth, and so seeing him with other women, I want to be big enough and love him enough as a person, to not let this get to me.
The mistake I don't want to repeat with him is that I don't want his jealousy to influence who I hang out with!!!!!!!!!!
This was the biggest mistake I made in my marriage. BTW, I feel that now that my ex has no claims on me or my life anymore, that I can really be friends with him, and that it would even be ok for me to criticize him for a change!!
I dreaded this so much in the past, but he could be so complaining and whiny at times that I often just stopped listening to what he was saying. I want to wait till the house is sold and our stuff is divided before I attempt to say what I really want to him, I don't want to antagonize him at this point. But, I feel that once I can do this, once I can tell him when he's being a bore or a pain, that that would take our friendship to a new level. I sincerely hope so. He's a good guy. We're both good people, we just weren't good together!
