I've asked him to go to a gig with me in three days. He said he'd have to check if he could go because he's got a rehearsal session same day. He'll let me know tomorrow.
I really felt like blowing the whole thing off, so I wrote this, without sending it though:
Hey,
I can't go with you. I feel totally unable to connect with you and find it very depressing. I need stability, but I must accept that I won't have this for a long time still. I'm not quite in control of my emotions, yes you're incredibly attractive, but I'm sure you'll stay that way for a long long time. It's best I stay away from you, because it makes it harder. I so badly want us to connect, but it's so unrealistic that I'm continually thrown from one emotion to the other. I'm experiencing what it must be like to be a manic depressive. I guess in normal circumstances, it would have been natural to ask you to go with me to this gig, but I'm really sorry that that isn't quite the case. I'm sure you realize this too. You're no fool. I just want to say that I really appreciate you, in every way, you're so cool and understanding and wise and cute, but we're so not compatible, and I know you think then why not just drop it, but I'm not quite in control of my emotions and life even at the moment.
I have this really big soft spot for you, and it's crazy but I'd do just about anything for you, but you got to accept me as a pain in the ass sometimes and it's not fair to ask that of you. You see how messed up I am? And about the jealousy thing, you're absolutely right, I get jealous and that's just unacceptable, to everyone involved. I shouldn't covet what's not realistic anyway. I should let go, but it's so hard for me sometimes (together with one guy for 14 years!) I'm sorry, I can't relax around you even though I try oh so hard. I wish things were a little different, but I guess I just gotta give it time. Things won't stay like this forever, I know. Maybe someday there will be room for us to connect more easily, I really think there is something there, however far it is tucked away at the moment. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we all have unrealistic expectations.
Anyway, for what it's still worth, I do love you even if I have a very peculiar way of showing it. Take care xx
I'm kinda nervous. I've got quite a few things going on right now, and I always get nervous when there's too many things on my mind.
What makes me happy? - Being free, discovering myself, enjoying all things me, feeling very fit. - Thinking about SC... (He's still responsive => trust > hope)
Even if he's not going to be my lover in the next months or even years, I'd still trust in me and him, I'd do everything I possibly can to make him see how feel. I might fail, but it's the travelling that's more important than the arrival.
I'm experiencing short pangs of euphoria. The right music esp. triggers this, like Imagine by John Lennon.
I've learned so much from my friend Laurie too. About being close to nature, the here and now, focusing on what's right under your nose. Not to run for your train for example. But rather to run for the pleasure of running.
Something I've rediscovered. Coffee. Works really well when I'm tired. I'm not often tired, only ..........
Today I thought about SC roughly 30 times I think. That's not too bad I think. I looked at his pictures again on facebook. The trouble is, even when he looks tired or drunk or whatever, he's still perfect. I still want to reach out and touch him. I wish I could, but this isn't the right time. I'm working on myself at the moment. What does it mean to be me? What do I like, how do I want to spend my time, who do I want to hang out with, etc.
Am playing a lot of basketball lately, lots of ipod listening too. I love to dance and draw. Am starting a drawing course on Wednesday. Also love live music and especially festivals.
Music I listened to today: Gorky, Lou Reed.
I love SC's face when he's excited about something, it becomes very taut and a lot of veins and lines show, it's incredibly sexy. I love his hands, he has this thing with his fingers, he keeps them slightly slanted or something. I love his big blue eyes, they're gorgeous, they're sexy and very telling too, although I can't quite make out of what. They seem to say "it's a long story." I love his bristly hair, it's shiny and it's perfect to run your fingers through, or at least that's how I imagine it. I love his arms, his upperarms especially, the muscles forming a little bump, and I adore his chest, it's so perfect, with just a tiny bit of hair at the top, but it's so well-shaped, it just makes me want to unbutton his shirt, slowly, sheer delight. And then the way he walks, so quickly, so sexy, so cool, it's like he's dancing inside all the time or something. And his beautiful manly voice, slightly hoarse, sometimes a little croaky, but so warm and deep. He commands respect, he really does. In everything he does. Even when he's angry, I can't help but think Wow!!
It's been quite some time since I lasted posted something on my blog. Things have changed a little. I feel I'm able to keep some distance from my SC. The funny thing is, I have the feeling he doesn't like it too much when I ignore him too much. He wants to keep playing I think. I don't know how long I want to continue playing his game. I really like the guy, that's for sure, but I don't - at all - see myself commiting to a new relationship right now, not until I've settled down again. This can take months still, and I don't know if I want to shower him with attention all the while until he succumbs to my persistence. I really feel this is what he's expecting. He's testing my sincerity. He's right to of course, but what about him? Do I not need some sort of declaration from him? He's clearly the king, whom I need to worship. The question is, am I worthy enough of his love? I really suspect he's quite willing to bestow this upon me, if I can just prove to him what he means to me. I dunno. Is this crazy? Does all of this sound really crazy? Probably.
He brought me chocolates out of the blue the other day. Well, not really out of the blue, I guess. He knows I love chocolate, and he had a whole box of them upstairs in the staff room.
He smelled absolutely lovely at work too. And he's always so well dressed these days. I'd dare to say, dressed to impress. I dunno. I'm scared this is going the other way. The scales are being tipped. He's falling for me after all. I don't want him to go crazy over me just yet. I'm divorcing next week. The last of the paperwork, and then I'm officially single. But I haven't my own place to stay yet. I'm still living with my parents.
What's for sure is that I don't want him to be jealous. I know I'm not going to be, because I realize I'm in no position to be jealous. I don't have the right, and jealousy is just an expression of personal insecurities. I want to be sure of myself, of my self-worth, and so seeing him with other women, I want to be big enough and love him enough as a person, to not let this get to me.
The mistake I don't want to repeat with him is that I don't want his jealousy to influence who I hang out with!!!!!!!!!!
This was the biggest mistake I made in my marriage. BTW, I feel that now that my ex has no claims on me or my life anymore, that I can really be friends with him, and that it would even be ok for me to criticize him for a change!!
I dreaded this so much in the past, but he could be so complaining and whiny at times that I often just stopped listening to what he was saying. I want to wait till the house is sold and our stuff is divided before I attempt to say what I really want to him, I don't want to antagonize him at this point. But, I feel that once I can do this, once I can tell him when he's being a bore or a pain, that that would take our friendship to a new level. I sincerely hope so. He's a good guy. We're both good people, we just weren't good together!
Things are slightly weird nowadays. I worked practically alone with sc on Friday, and we both had said goodbye to each other on Thursday because we thought we wouldn't be seeing each other till after my hols. We were both really surprised to see each other on Friday so. But it was cool. We worked really well together. It was nice to be around him, not wanting his attention or anything. Just happy to see him. He's not in love with me, which is probably for the best anyway since I'm so independent, imperturbable and self-assured most of the time that it brings a chill to plenty a man, I guess. I don't want to say I'm frigid, because those who've seen me drunk know that I'm quite fond and passionate when my interest is sparked. Like when discussing a favourite author or painter or something like that.
Things that would make it difficult for us to have a relationship:
- the fact that I'll have to consciously stop myself from comparing him with my ex - not worry about what I might be doing wrong - getting to know him - getting to know what our common interests are - talking to him about emotional stuff - laying down rules about seeing each other - laying down rules about seeing other people from the opposite sex without arousing suspicion and/or jealousy - accepting each others' friends - not being jealous when seeing each other with other people in the shop - not minding seeing each other all the time at work - talking about how far we can go in the presence of other colleagues - coming to understand what exactly we want from such a relationship - agreeing to disagree - learning to compromise - (for me) not to compare myself with other people who have really good connections with him - learning to remain myself and trying to communicate whenever something doesn't feel right for whatever reason - finding a place where we can be together occasionally (a place of our own so to speak)
But I accept that he doesn't want to be my 'boyfriend' anyway, and also if he's so into Lisa and she changes her mind - which she seems to be doing alright - and does start to fancy him anyway, that I shall accept that too, and be happy for the both of them, because Love will conquer all!
I feel great today. I know I'm in love with this guy, he says he's fond of me but not in love. I feel that's ok, I can handle that. I mean, I'm really happy at least that he's fond of me! I didn't expect to hear that at all. Maybe y'all think I'm silly or something, but I'm a complete dope when it comes to reading someone else's mind. Fond means he cares a little at least, and ok, I care a lot, but it's more like I really really care about him and want him to be happy. I think I'm willing to "wait" forever. I don't need anybody, therefore I can wait for as long as, well, forever I guess. That's how I feel. It's a relief. I don't need to find anybody to replace him, to help me fall out of love with him. No, not anymore. I've told him my feelings, and now I'm going to show him just how fond I am of him. I'm not going to do anything necessarily, I'll just love him more confidently now, since I've admitted to myself that that is how I feel about him. You see, I didn't understand my feelings before. And if it takes me forever, then so be it. He'll remain my muse for the rest of my life. I can love him, without wanting anything in return. Seriously, I'm really convinced of this now. Go ahead laugh. He's someone I wish to protect always, to care for, from a distance if that's what he wants, I'll be sort of like his guardian angel or something.
I shouldn't think what he's thinking but I do it anyway. I'm stubborn like that.
Work today was ok, sort of. I didn't talk to him at all, but we said hello in a nice way. I ignored his gaze, but it was difficult to not think about him. We did accidentally look into each other's eyes, and my god I'm so in love with him, why did I not realize this sooner? Before I completely screwed up? He's really trying to be nice to me without giving me the wrong impression, it's kinda sweet to watch.
I'm trying to tell myself not to be jealous when he's chatting up some girl. Actually, what I do is, I try to concentrate on something I'm busy doing anyway, so that I don't get involved at all.
There's one horrible thought that really really bugs me, and it's that when he makes other colleagues laugh, that I think Why can't we have that? And then yes, I feel jealous. How do I get rid of this most horrible feeling?? I will still need to figure that out.
Maybe I can think one of these thoughts: - Colleagues having fun, I love this work place!! - The situation is funny, I love it - He's just so adorable
Yeah, I will need some practice though...
He thinks he can't make me laugh... that's what's missing, that's why (possibly) he's not in love with me. I think, from reading compatibility of star signs, that it's because my lack of enthusiasm for the things he does. I'm too self-absorbed probably
It's the way I am, I'm not ashamed of it or anything, I just think it's a real shame that he really needs that in a woman and that he doesn't believe we can have a fun relationship. Maybe he's right, maybe I'm too serious about the whole thing, but for me this is now no game anymore, I'm utterly madly deeply smitten with the guy.
At work today... Things were awkward. I gave him the letter, he sort of scoffed at it, at me, but he took it. I didn't get any reaction from him until the afternoon. He said he was angry with me because I had kissed him in front of his ex. He said she still meant a lot to him. I didn't know this. Anyway, she never saw nothing anyway. I promised him I wouldn't kiss him anymore. But well, at least I know why he was so upset. He also said that it wasn't his fault that I felt the way I did, I said I knew this very well, but that it wasn't my fault either. These things kinda happen. He said he was not in love with me. It felt so good to hear this articulated like that. I don't think he's angry anymore, but I sent him a text tonight hoping he wasn't and all, and that I honestly didn't know that it had been such a big deal to him. That I wish him hapiness only, and that I hoped he wasn't still angry with me. No reply. But I don't expect a reply anymore, unless I send him a direct question. It's quite clear that's how he functions. I don't feel ashamed of what I did, I mean writing the letter, letting him know how I feel. I don't think it's bad or anything. He finds it hard. But really that, I think, is his problem. He's obviously not ready for me to be his friend.
I cannot believe how arrogant he is though. Why does that attract me so much??
I was thinking I can probably write a short story out of the 'events' of the past few days. Oh, they're probably no big deal to you, but they are to me. I mean, considering my behaviour of these last few months and all. Since March of this year things have taken quite a turn for me. I feel a lot less rushed and fucked up and all. Now anyway. I split up with my husband of four years in March. We'd been going steady for ten years before we got hitched. I'm only 33 now, so you see how young I was. Things had not been going well between us. Nothing major happened or anything, I just felt like I wanted to be with him less and less. He put me down. He made me feel insecure and bad about myself. He sometimes made me feel good about myself too you know, but I didn't need the other bit. And then there was this guy at work. I guess that's how it usually goes with these things. There's always someone else, isn't there. It's like you need someone from outside to open your eyes for you or something.
I'm sitting in a bar right now, pretty much alone except for the bartender, who's reading his paper. I'm drinking my wine and having the occasional cigarette. Oh yeah, I stopped smoking about 5 years ago, but since my break-up I've been having the odd smoke on nights where I'm drinking. I'm no alcoholic or nothing, I just like the occasional drink is all. You know, after a stressful day or at the weekend or something. Anyway, tonight at this bar I met some really nice folk. Bob, Jan and Annemie their names were. They were sitting at the table right in front of me.
I didn't get a text back from him. Nothing. He probably thinks what can I say, it's best to leave her alone. It will pass. No talking. Talking gets me in a mess, he's probably thinking. I dunno. I don't want it to be tough again at work tomorrow. If he's angry with me still we neeeeeeeeeeeeed to talk, that much is clear. I would so like to hear from my other colleague who knows how much I'm suffering now, but I don't want to bother her with my problems. She said not to be ashamed, that I did the right thing by telling him, and that it's not like I'm stalking him or anything.
Well I'm sorry but I have to see this through now. I am in love with you. I'm crazy about you. You're a beautiful person. I care more about you than I knew. I managed somehow to pull the wool over my eyes, or whatever the expression is. I've only realized this since Sunday. It was a painful realization. But it's good. It's good to finally acknowledge this. Whatever your feelings.
You have every right to be angry with me. I can still hardly believe the things I sent you. I was struggling with my feelings. We had fun, but that's over now. You've humbled me, I guess. I'm a little bit ashamed of my behaviour. I don't want to fool around with you anymore, only within a relationship now. I'm not as crazy as I made myself out to be. But, I know you don't reciprocate my feelings anyway. That's probably why I was kidding myself thinking I didn't really have feelings for you either. Sorry, I didn't mean to mess with you like that. Or myself.
Sometimes I don't know when to stop, so I don't know if you need to know this next bit, but anyway. I really hated my relationship with my ex at the end. In fact, it didn't ever feel right. It sounds awful, but it wasn't like that. It gave me stability. But it's important here, because I was fighting the idea of entering a new relationship with you, it felt like I was going backwards. Of course I believe in a relationship, even children. Just not with him, and not right after breaking up with him. I know I was very firm on this subject always, but all these cramped feelings and thoughts seem to have thawed and disappeared now. Life is fluid.
Anyway, now I am digressing a little. What I want to say is that finally something clicked inside my head on Sunday. And I cried my eyes out today, I couldn't work even, because I had all these feelings bottled up inside of me that had to come right out. I know I've been very confusing and confused. I'm sorry if I've been a real bother to you. I may cry again, but it's not your fault or anything. I realize it may take time for you to trust me again. Crazy woman.
For now, I hope you understand a little where I've been coming from, and that you forgive me. I just need to figure out how to deal with seeing you all the time. It's not difficult if you're nice to me, but if you're cold and angry like that, then I feel hurt and want to talk to you. I really don't expect you to fall in love with me or anything, I just want to be able to enjoy working with you again. It's probably too difficult to see you outside of work, because I just want to kiss you after a few beers. It's clear that you're still hung up on your ex, I didn't know that for instance, I don't know anything about your love life. I'm not jealous or anything, I know you need to sort things out in your head too.
All I want is for you to stop cutting me off like that if I tell you how I feel. I can't help what I feel, but it doesn't mean I expect you to feel the same.
I'm really sorry this is a pain for you, I didn't choose for this to happen dude.
Came back from work early today, couldn't stand being in the same building with him. Even though I didn't see him at all. He barely said hello this morning, and looked angry still. I don't know what to do with this awful situation anymore. I sent him another text today saying that I'm in love with him and that it must be difficult for him, but that it's torture for me. and that I wanted to talk. He didn't reply. I'm gonna really ignore him now if he can't be bothered to send me a reply even. Why is he still in my head. Why won't he ever go away?
SC was angry with me today at work. He completely ignored me, I ignored him. I think he thinks this is a game for me or something, but I just needed time to sort out my feelings, and i did it in a most awkward way I guess. I am in love with him, that much is clear now. In fact I love him. But when I saw him with his ex on Saturday night, I knew I couldn't really compete with what they have still. He was all over her still, I thought they were in love, and so did other people who were there. So I thought, fuck it I'm sending him a text, the one I told you about in the previous post. I think that's what's made him angry now. I don't care if he thinks I'm playing around. I'm not, I'm no longer anyway. It's probably too late, but I love him and I really care about him. I didn't before, or at least I didn't want to admit to myself that I cared. I was scared. I needed time to end my previous relationship. That's done now. On thursday my ex and I went for a drink, and all I thought was, I want to get out of here asap. But I was polite and stayed a little while. And now, SC thinks I'm playing a game with him, but I'm not. I even think maybe if he loved me and all, I would like to be the mother of his children if he wanted them. I can't believe I'm saying this!! I truly love him. But whatever is best for him is best. I've had my chance and I ruined it pretty much. The only thing I can do now is show him that I care, without expecting gratitude or anything for that matter. I'm sorry I gave him the wrong impression. I'm not a nympho, but it's obviously what he thinks.
I really care about him.
But I'm no match for his ex (what they have and her beauty) or Lisa (his best friend). I can love him, but it won't ever be enough...
Another day at work yesterday. Everything was fine. We kept our distance. Colleague had birthday drink after work. SC came with his ex!! Why not, I guess. They were a little bit touchy feely still, and I tried not to look at them. Maybe it hurt a little, but I don't think I let it show. I think he still likes her, or at least more than he likes me, which isn't all that much anyway. I sent him a text saying that I really like him, that I'm not using him. That I think he's sweet. I don't really regret it, but I don't like bothering him with my feelings. If I'm honest, I don't know what I feel for him. Unrequited love. Sometimes I think that's exactly what it is. Maybe he needs to know this too. And that it's hard for me to deal with.
I so want everything back to normal, but these things take time, I guess.
I dreamt I saw a dead man floating in green water, under the arch of a bridge. I was watching from a platform or a pier, my brother was standing beside me. The man was around 60. He still had a lot of colour (reddish) for a dead man. I phoned the police with a cell phone (I dialled 0101), they asked me if his heart was still intact. I said I didn't know.
What a stupid question to ask about a dead man.
What or who does the dead man represent? My marriage? Of course it's dead, no question about it. My relationship with SC? I want it to be dead, but there's too much colour there still. And I have no clue about the heart. His: I doubt that it's still beating for me, mine: is definitely beating still for him.
I'm thinking of going abroad, to London. To live there for a year or longer. Nothing is really keeping me here now.
Dream interpretation
Water To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. To see muddy or dirty water in your dream, indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to devote some time to clarify your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, it suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it indicates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions.
The dead man was floating in green water, I was watching from a little platform.
Bridge To dream that you are crossing a bridge, signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage. If the bridge is over water, then it suggests that your transition will be an emotional one. If you fall off the bridge and into the water, then the dream indicates that you are letting your emotions hold you back and prevent you from moving forward. Alternatively, the bridge may indicate that you are trying to "bridge" or connect two things together.
Arch To see an arch in your dream, represents your support system.
To dream that you are passing under an arch, signifies new opportunities. You are headed toward a different direction or phase in your life.
Green Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, fertility, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. Green is also symbolic of your strive to gain recognition and establish your independence. Money, wealth and jealousy are often associated with this color.
Olive Green The olive green color symbolizes natural wisdom and Zen. You need to achieve peace in your environment.
Red Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations. Consider the phrase "seeing red" to denote anger.
Red is also the color of danger, shame, sexual impulses and urges. Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions.
Heart To see your heart in your dream, signifies truth, courage, love, and romance. It is representative of how you are currently dealing with your feelings and expressing your emotions. Also consider the saying "the heart of the matter" which implies that you may need to get down to the core of a situation before proceeding.
Floating To dream that you are floating in water, suggests that you have a handle on your emotions.
Corpse To see a corpse in your dream, represents an aspect of yourself that has died. Or it may mean that you are unexpressive. You have shut yourself down and are dead inside.
Mmm, I don't believe this is it. I think the dead man represents the death of my relationship with a man (SC). I'm unsure if in his heart he still has feelings for me, I think that's how the heart business needs to be interpreted.
Brother To see your brother in your dream, may symbolize some aspect of your relationship with him. It can also serve to remind you that someone in your waking life has certain characteristics/behavior similar to your brother's.
If you do not have a brother and dream that you have one, then he may symbolize characteristics that you need to acknowledge within yourself. The brother in your dream can also be synonymous with a close friend or buddy. Brother also has religious implications and thus represents spiritual issues. Consider also the familiar phrase "big brother is watching you" which indicate that your dream has to deal with issues of authority and oppression.
Cell Phone To see or use a cell phone in your dream, indicates that you are being receptive to new information. It also represents your mobility.
Police The police symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control.
To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police, suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life.
Pier To see or dream that you are on a pier, represents self-reflection and an introspect into your unconscious. You are ready to explore and grow as an individual. The dream signal emotional and spiritual growth.
Zero Zero denotes timelessness, super-conscious, eternity, and absolute freedom. It also symbolizes God.
One One stands for individuality, individuality solitude, the ego, leadership, originality, beginnings, and a winner. It also stands for a higher spiritual force.
Work went really well today. I kept my distance from sexy colleague, and felt I had no business talking to him even. I kept myself to myself, and to whomever was in a chatty mood. He clearly wasn't, and not just with me. I have accepted that he doesn't want me to try and be involved with him, I leave him alone now. But if he ever wants me again, he'll have to spell it out for me, because I don't trust his body language anymore. I'm relieved I've become a little wiser now and that I think I will be able to keep this up forever, keeping my distance, I mean.
I'm probably very stubborn, that's why, I think, I kept trying and trying with him. Or maybe it's the normal thing to do when you sort of fancy someone. I dunno. I'm really glad for all my friends and family.
I feel I'm slowly finding my ground again, and that living with my parents again is more than ok!
Friends, sunshine, festivals, and books... What more can you wish for??
written on 13 July 2009, must've been on a sunny terrace
"It seems preposterous now. It always did probably if I had been willing to see it. The idea of you and me is simply idiotic. You made it clear you don't want to be that person for me - my little toy or my second half? I think I'm mature enough to see that it's for the best, because I really don't think we would fit into each others' lives very well. I wondered at first if it's because I'm not ready for a new commitment - which is definitely true - but I know as well as you do that it's because our personalities don't match. We don't work together. We don't make each other laugh as you pointed out so rightly. It would be a sad and awkward relationship. I wonder if it would be a bad idea to still sleep with you, to have fun with you, though. For me that would be an ideal arrangement in theory. One single guy to sleep with, to kiss, to be physical with. As long as neither of us is seeing anyone, I think, why the hell not? But I imagine you're probably looking for a new relationship, and that kind of an arrangement would mess things up for you.
And then, wouldn't it be hard for me to come to terms with you seeing someone new? Or vice versa - of course. The aftermath might be too much hard work. But I'm all for trying. A man never does what you want him to do, does he? The scripts and delusions in one's head lead to disappointments so very often. But who doesn't like to daydream from time to time? I've hinted enough at sex now, and you remain passive still, so I take it you're not up for it anymore. I don't want you to love me or want a relationship with me. I'm just craving for that physical contact, and through some bizarre leap of fate, I picked you to indulge my little fantasies. I still wonder why it had to be you? Maybe I felt you could handle this without getting emotionally attached. I don't really know what exactly I was doing or thinking when I told you first. You kinda radiated fun.
I know very well that I'm very self-indulgent, but I know you had fun too."
Holiday!! Am going to Italy soon with Donnie, to visit some friends, swim in the sea, have a few laughs and read a lot probably... I'm totally ready to not be interested in sexy colleague anymore. I can do this!
I should ask him what he thinks I want from him. I think he wouldn't know the answer. Because I don't know the answer. I'm confused, I have no ground beneath my feet so to speak. It's a temporary situation. I should think, even if he were to have a new girlfriend, that it's not the right time. He's entitled to a happy life, I really should be able to wish him all the best. But this devil in me keeps thinking that he's just blocking me because I'm in an awkward situation, divorcing, no home, partying night after night, undecisive, unclear, wayward, stubborn, possessive, etc. I wish I could be my old stable self again. I need to really really ignore him now. Not facebook him, not text him, not try to remember his phone number, and delete it as soon as I know it's safe that I'm not going to remember it. I would love to delete him off my facebook too, but it would be too much of a statement, it would be like admitting I have a problem with him, and I don't want to do that to him or myself. But I'm torn, because if I don't I'm still tempted to look at his profile or even send him messages from time to time, and that is making life so incredibly difficult for myself!!! I wish he would disappear and never come back again, well not for at least 5 years or so. That would sort it.
This is crazy. I know he's not in love with me. I know this very well. It's funny, but I keep hoping he will eventually fall in love with me. Even though I'm quite sure that we don't really have anything to offer each other apart from sex. He said to me after snogging him at a festival that he did not want to be that person for me. He also said he didn't like for me to be jealous if I saw him with some other girl at work. Crazy. I'm now thinking maybe he has someone else. Would it really be unbearable for me? Probably at first, yes. But I really don't want to give up my job. I really love it too much. If he were seeing someone from work or outside of work, I'd want him to change jobs. Why is he such an obsession with me? I really don't understand. He said I used him. He said he wasn't going to let me ruin his weekend. All we did was kiss each other a couple of times at the fucking festival and I know I asked him to have sex with me that night, and he said no, but I didn't sulk or anything about it. But why then on the bus home did he say such horrible things, and why did I say to him that I'm not in love with him, and felt like I meant it too? And why oh why do I have to keep writing about this like some obsessed person. I'm trying to really figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and also I want to find a good way of facing him at work. Since we don't really have anything in common, I should just ignore him. That is the best way to deal with this, I'm quite sure. I want to stop being nervous around him, so I want to work with him as little as possible, interact with him as little as possible, it's the only way.
And then I want to be able to stay strong, not become depressed about it, and stop thinking like he should really be someone I can fool around with at will. He's not my toy, he's not my possession, he's a full-fledged human being, I'm crazy to think I can make him fall in love with me. We'd be an awful match anyway. He's a pleasure seeker, he's always wanting laughs and dreads more serious or personal conversations. He's not the guy for me. The problem I still have though, is that I don't believe there actually exists such a man. A man who can be my best friend, someone who will always make me feel better, and who I'm physically attracted to. There's always some part that's missing it seems.
He wouldn't be writing stuff down like I'm doing now, I know it's not in his nature. I don't know anything about him. All I know he's got a delicious little body, he's seriously hot and has a very sexy croaky voice. But he seems to be looking for a girl who's a lot younger also. I'm his age, in my thirties, and I think he prefers someone quite a bit younger I've noticed. He's so obviously on the look-out also, and that makes me nervous again.
