What an extraordinary day it's been. I had lots and lots of coffee to keep me going throughout the day. I felt excited. I had a fun day at work. And a pleasant evening with an older colleague of ours and her son. They took me out to dinner to a pakistani restaurant. The food was lovely. The company was interestingly different. But at work, I was with sexy colleague most of the day, and we worked really hard. I felt at ease for some reason. There was no more awkwardness between us. Nothing exceptional happened, but we got along really well, we laughed a few times. He was even teasing me at the end. I was really excited all day. He sort of picked up on that I think. I wasn't necessarily excited about having him around, but the fact that I was going out for dinner with my other colleague and her son, and that I had had a visit from some other colleague at the weekend, that I'm going to two concerts this week still, that I'm seeing my cousin and my best friend tomorrow, etc. I keep thinking about hinting about sex to sexy colleague, but I find it really difficult. It's best not to bother him again. I'm sure if I wish this hard enough, something will happen anyway. So, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish sexy colleague would kiss me passionately on the lips. I wish he would do it sooner rather than later, but maybe that's too much to wish for. I wish he would fall in love with me, truly, madly, deeply. I wish he was already in love with me and is only now beginning to realize this. I wish he would contact me outside of work some time or other. Just a little text saying good night or how are you feeling, or anything simple but caring like that. I wish he would ask me out for a drink next week. I know, grow up.
God, it was difficult today. I went to work, determined not to let him or anything get to my head. I succeeded pretty well, until this afternoon. I managed to ignore him most of the morning, and I think he sensed this. He was not trying to get my attention anymore, which was good. At around 4 pm, we were on the workfloor alone together, and we laughed about something silly. His gorgeous smile cut through me like a knife. I thought 'I'm fucked'. And yes, I thought about having sex with him over and over for the rest of the day, and I started wondering if he would want to do it again, I mean have sex with me. I know - I feel - he thinks I'm sexy. But he's not sure about his feelings, and he once said, a long time ago, that he was through with one night stands. This means, I will have to bide my time for now. We're working together again tomorrow.
I've got a bit of a problem now with my living arrangements. I left my partner, but we're still paying our mortgage together until the house is sold, so I can't afford a place of my own right now. This means I'm living in my parents apartment for now, it's ok now because they're on holiday. They're coming back the day after tomorrow though, and then I will be living with my parents again for the first time in years. That's going to be incredibly difficult. My ex is still living in our house, so I could move back there too, which would seem plausible since there's a lot more space there. But I dread going back to him. I really don't feel like seeing him again. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. It's a chore. So I now have to decide between the lesser of two evils: living with my mom, or living with my ex.
This is what I wrote on the train home tonight after work:
You looked real sexy today. I should've told you when I had the chance. But I thought of it too late. Mindfulness is what keeps popping into my head. Focus on the present. Focus on what needs to be focused on. Not you. But you're like a shimmering diamond begging for my attention. I don't know if you're truly aware of this. I doubt it.
I wonder how much this is bothering you still. I wonder if you're still wondering what it would be like. It was very scary the first time round, I wonder if it'd be any different now. How insolent of me to even consider a second time. I'm not going to do the same thing over and over and expect different results every time. That's insanity, says Einstein. No, it's definitely your turn now. But you need to figure out stuff first. Like your feelings for Lisa perhaps. You know, it would be so much easier for me if she would reciprocate your feelings. I would then find the right motivation to not pursue this thing with you.
I'm absolutely exhausted from an emotional day, I'm thankful for this blog site.
