This is crazy. I know he's not in love with me. I know this very well. It's funny, but I keep hoping he will eventually fall in love with me. Even though I'm quite sure that we don't really have anything to offer each other apart from sex. He said to me after snogging him at a festival that he did not want to be that person for me. He also said he didn't like for me to be jealous if I saw him with some other girl at work. Crazy. I'm now thinking maybe he has someone else. Would it really be unbearable for me? Probably at first, yes. But I really don't want to give up my job. I really love it too much. If he were seeing someone from work or outside of work, I'd want him to change jobs. Why is he such an obsession with me? I really don't understand. He said I used him. He said he wasn't going to let me ruin his weekend. All we did was kiss each other a couple of times at the fucking festival and I know I asked him to have sex with me that night, and he said no, but I didn't sulk or anything about it. But why then on the bus home did he say such horrible things, and why did I say to him that I'm not in love with him, and felt like I meant it too? And why oh why do I have to keep writing about this like some obsessed person. I'm trying to really figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and also I want to find a good way of facing him at work. Since we don't really have anything in common, I should just ignore him. That is the best way to deal with this, I'm quite sure. I want to stop being nervous around him, so I want to work with him as little as possible, interact with him as little as possible, it's the only way.
And then I want to be able to stay strong, not become depressed about it, and stop thinking like he should really be someone I can fool around with at will. He's not my toy, he's not my possession, he's a full-fledged human being, I'm crazy to think I can make him fall in love with me. We'd be an awful match anyway. He's a pleasure seeker, he's always wanting laughs and dreads more serious or personal conversations. He's not the guy for me. The problem I still have though, is that I don't believe there actually exists such a man. A man who can be my best friend, someone who will always make me feel better, and who I'm physically attracted to. There's always some part that's missing it seems.
He wouldn't be writing stuff down like I'm doing now, I know it's not in his nature. I don't know anything about him. All I know he's got a delicious little body, he's seriously hot and has a very sexy croaky voice. But he seems to be looking for a girl who's a lot younger also. I'm his age, in my thirties, and I think he prefers someone quite a bit younger I've noticed. He's so obviously on the look-out also, and that makes me nervous again.
What an extraordinary day it's been. I had lots and lots of coffee to keep me going throughout the day. I felt excited. I had a fun day at work. And a pleasant evening with an older colleague of ours and her son. They took me out to dinner to a pakistani restaurant. The food was lovely. The company was interestingly different. But at work, I was with sexy colleague most of the day, and we worked really hard. I felt at ease for some reason. There was no more awkwardness between us. Nothing exceptional happened, but we got along really well, we laughed a few times. He was even teasing me at the end. I was really excited all day. He sort of picked up on that I think. I wasn't necessarily excited about having him around, but the fact that I was going out for dinner with my other colleague and her son, and that I had had a visit from some other colleague at the weekend, that I'm going to two concerts this week still, that I'm seeing my cousin and my best friend tomorrow, etc. I keep thinking about hinting about sex to sexy colleague, but I find it really difficult. It's best not to bother him again. I'm sure if I wish this hard enough, something will happen anyway. So, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish sexy colleague would kiss me passionately on the lips. I wish he would do it sooner rather than later, but maybe that's too much to wish for. I wish he would fall in love with me, truly, madly, deeply. I wish he was already in love with me and is only now beginning to realize this. I wish he would contact me outside of work some time or other. Just a little text saying good night or how are you feeling, or anything simple but caring like that. I wish he would ask me out for a drink next week. I know, grow up.
God, it was difficult today. I went to work, determined not to let him or anything get to my head. I succeeded pretty well, until this afternoon. I managed to ignore him most of the morning, and I think he sensed this. He was not trying to get my attention anymore, which was good. At around 4 pm, we were on the workfloor alone together, and we laughed about something silly. His gorgeous smile cut through me like a knife. I thought 'I'm fucked'. And yes, I thought about having sex with him over and over for the rest of the day, and I started wondering if he would want to do it again, I mean have sex with me. I know - I feel - he thinks I'm sexy. But he's not sure about his feelings, and he once said, a long time ago, that he was through with one night stands. This means, I will have to bide my time for now. We're working together again tomorrow.
I've got a bit of a problem now with my living arrangements. I left my partner, but we're still paying our mortgage together until the house is sold, so I can't afford a place of my own right now. This means I'm living in my parents apartment for now, it's ok now because they're on holiday. They're coming back the day after tomorrow though, and then I will be living with my parents again for the first time in years. That's going to be incredibly difficult. My ex is still living in our house, so I could move back there too, which would seem plausible since there's a lot more space there. But I dread going back to him. I really don't feel like seeing him again. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. It's a chore. So I now have to decide between the lesser of two evils: living with my mom, or living with my ex.
This is what I wrote on the train home tonight after work:
You looked real sexy today. I should've told you when I had the chance. But I thought of it too late. Mindfulness is what keeps popping into my head. Focus on the present. Focus on what needs to be focused on. Not you. But you're like a shimmering diamond begging for my attention. I don't know if you're truly aware of this. I doubt it.
I wonder how much this is bothering you still. I wonder if you're still wondering what it would be like. It was very scary the first time round, I wonder if it'd be any different now. How insolent of me to even consider a second time. I'm not going to do the same thing over and over and expect different results every time. That's insanity, says Einstein. No, it's definitely your turn now. But you need to figure out stuff first. Like your feelings for Lisa perhaps. You know, it would be so much easier for me if she would reciprocate your feelings. I would then find the right motivation to not pursue this thing with you.
I'm absolutely exhausted from an emotional day, I'm thankful for this blog site.
I got a visit from a Donnie today. He came to visit me in my hometown. We did lots of sightseeing stuff, and played tennis for nearly two hours. It was an eventful day, we had lots of fun and had really good talks too. I told him about sexy colleague, and that it was now possible for me to see him in this new light I discovered. I can work with sexy colleague, without wanting anything from him, I told Donnie. I said I'm finally starting to see sexy colleague as a really nice guy, sensitive and careful. I can't believe I never really knew that about him. He was a complete mystery to me. I actually projected my former partner onto him. That's also why I think I felt the relationship was dead before it had even begun. I thought, NO!!!!!! My mind could not distinguish between new boyfriend and old boyfriend. I think he (new bf/sexy colleague) sensed this. It was good of him to run away like that. I did not - was unable to - look at him with new eyes, I expected him to be like former boyfriend. It made the situation difficult, and made me doubt myself and him and us... I think I have moved on now, I mean, I realize how I "deceived" myself, and I finally feel I can say "we'll see how things turn out", without worrying too much about it. I would love to get to know him, in a natural way. I don't want to force things anymore. I would love to find out what he's like, and then if I like him, perhaps fall in love with him properly. But what I did before was just utter madness, I think. He's cool, he's caring, and I underestimated his wit. Let things take its natural course. If he's never going to be interested in me again, then so be it. That would mean it wasn't meant to be, and that it's for the best. It's been an interesting learning curve for me.
I felt ok today. Had a great time at work. No problems with colleagues or customers. Minded my own business, stayed focused. Did not get distracted by sexy colleague. He was there, but I didn't look at him once, and didn't check to see if he was looking. Had our lunch break together. We sat outside, in chairs, side by side, talking. It was nice. We sat there for half an hour, and only two or three times did I think, yummie! I didn't feel I had to talk to him, and that made the difference, I think. It went automatically. He's so cute and sweet. He got me a brownie because I was hungry, without me asking!!! He's got to be careful, I might actually fall in love with him. Crushes. They're ok, I guess. As long as you can both handle it. It shouldn't really influence your behaviour. It's not easy, but it's worth to keep on trying to not let it influence you. You'll enjoy the small gestures even more. Really, the brownie almost killed me. I thought it was the sweetest thing ever
I am very attracted to a guy at work. We've worked together as direct colleagues for a few years now, but I've always been in a relationship and so never really let on. I thought he liked me from the way he would look at me sometimes, but if there is any attraction between us, I'm quite sure it's only physical. We don't talk with each other very often, I don't feel like I have anything to say to him, and the rare occasions he makes conversation, I'm not really interested, and vice versa. But he is just so hot! Just the way he walks screams sex at me. It's annoying at times. I try not to let it influence my behaviour, but it's tricky.
This is what happened: Two months ago, I told him that I thought I had feelings for him. I did think that, honestly. His first reaction was shock. We went for a coffee the next day to talk about it, and I kissed him. I thought he liked it. He walked me home and seemed a little excited too. When we got to my street, he hugged me and kissed me again, and we smiled goodbye.
After a few days I suggested maybe we could go out sometime, catch a film or whatever. He said he didn't think that was a good idea. He didn't want to get involved with a colleague and we should cool it. I was frustrated, but I did kind of understand. I wasn't too comfortable either. But I was a little sad at the same time. Time went by, things were reasonably ok, I did feel uncomfortable at times, but thought it would pass. After about a month or so, I caught him alone in an empty office and said that I still thought about him a lot. He said, "I knew this wasn't over," and seemed annoyed and upset. I said I wanted to talk things over, so that I could move on again. I asked him if he thought nothing would ever happen again between us, and that I really needed to know so I could get some closure. He said he had difficulty being so direct, but I concluded he meant yes, that I should not hope for anything to happen between us again.
I was satisfied, I felt I did what I could to find out what I needed to know, and that I couldn't force the guy to like me after all.
Two weeks later I was at a party, and he was there too. We briefly said hello, but did not really talk. I ignored him the rest of the evening, but I wasn't cold or anything. I had a really good time, had way too much to drink, and stayed till the end. To my surprise he was still there when almost everyone had left already. He was quite drunk at that stage, and so was I. He asked if I wanted to go home with him. Sure, I said. We had great sex then. Next morning, we both wondered what we were doing together, but we didn't really say anything about it. He walked me to my street again and we briefly hugged and kissed, but it felt awkward already.
We did say we were going to meet up again sometime during the week or so, but it was half hearted. At work things were tense at first, but then after a couple of days I said I wanted to kiss him and pulled him close. He kissed me back, and now that kiss felt really great, he seemed to think so too ;-). I was confused again...
I sent him the occasional text then, first time when I was drunk with friends. They had in fact encouraged me to text him. Something sexy, they said. I did, but I wasn't too explicit I thought. The girls liked it, and he texted me back to take it easy. I didn't really want to. I wanted to have sex again, asap. I sent him a couple more texts over the next few days, but he didn't text me back anymore. I thought we needed to see each other again to talk about what we were doing. He didn't want to make time it seemed. After another week, I thought I needed to decide for myself if I wanted to bother still or not, so I told him to come see me the next day at our country house where I was staying all alone for a few days. He said he would come, but that we needed to have a really long talk. I knew what that meant of course, but I thought maybe I could get some fun out of it too. The next day, I thought 'I don't want to make him come to the country (2 hour drive)', so I texted him again saying never mind, that I got the picture and that we didn't really have a connection anyway, etc. I think we both felt a sense of relief. I wouldn't have known what to say to him, and he would've been nervous too probably. So I thought it was all for the best.
At work, we seemed ok again. We acted normal. I was a little annoyed at my sexual thoughts, but I did manage to keep them under control. I told myself to stop everytime any unwelcome thoughts entered my head. It worked all right most of the time, and I was pleased. However, a few days later, a mutual acquaintance told me that he was not happy with me having cancelled our so-called date in the country. A million things went through my mind then... a new opportunity to make out with him - hope I didn't upset him - is he playing a game - are we playing a game - do I approach him again - what do I do...
I decided to send him a completely random text, telling him what I was doing, the next day to see how he would respond. He sent me a random text back. I thought 'ok, we're playing again then, are we?' I liked it. I sent him another text a couple of hours later, when I was getting ready for bed, and said it would be sweet if I could fall asleep next to him. I got no reply.
At work the next day: complete and utter cold shoulderness. He didn't say a word, and was obviously avoiding me. I thought that was rather childish then, but I thought it would pass. At the end of the day, he was still horribly distant. I felt I needed to clear things up. I caught him in the elevator then, and asked if we needed to talk. He said we didn't, that he thought everything was clear. I said I didn't understand, and that it wasn't clear at all to me. He said he was going to get angry. I said don't bother, this reaction of yours now is clear enough to me, and I thanked him. Finally some emotion, yes!
I texted him again after work, to apologize for my misunderstanding and to see if we were ok again. He said yes, and that he was sorry too. Since then, you're probably not going to believe it, but we're normal again at work. Good colleagues, but nothing more, well or maybe that little history that hangs between us makes it a little more special. I'm not unhappy.
This is now a few weeks ago, and recently, he's started to look at me again the way he used to before, what I mistook then as lust or attraction or something thereabouts. I'm now absolutely determined not to act on any of it anymore. I will only have to be careful not to run in to him again when I'm drunk, when there's only one thing on my mind.
I don't know yet why I've started this blog The more you learn about yourself, the more you realize it's impossible to know who you really are There are dos and don'ts when communicating with other people and there's no need for moral judgements, most of the time Love yourself, laugh at yourself I read somewhere that jealousy disappears when you are truly loving yourself and others for whatever experience you're having I'm working on that still, but I feel I'm making progress
