I am very attracted to a guy at work. We've worked together as direct colleagues for a few years now, but I've always been in a relationship and so never really let on. I thought he liked me from the way he would look at me sometimes, but if there is any attraction between us, I'm quite sure it's only physical. We don't talk with each other very often, I don't feel like I have anything to say to him, and the rare occasions he makes conversation, I'm not really interested, and vice versa. But he is just so hot! Just the way he walks screams sex at me. It's annoying at times. I try not to let it influence my behaviour, but it's tricky.
This is what happened: Two months ago, I told him that I thought I had feelings for him. I did think that, honestly. His first reaction was shock. We went for a coffee the next day to talk about it, and I kissed him. I thought he liked it. He walked me home and seemed a little excited too. When we got to my street, he hugged me and kissed me again, and we smiled goodbye.
After a few days I suggested maybe we could go out sometime, catch a film or whatever. He said he didn't think that was a good idea. He didn't want to get involved with a colleague and we should cool it. I was frustrated, but I did kind of understand. I wasn't too comfortable either. But I was a little sad at the same time. Time went by, things were reasonably ok, I did feel uncomfortable at times, but thought it would pass. After about a month or so, I caught him alone in an empty office and said that I still thought about him a lot. He said, "I knew this wasn't over," and seemed annoyed and upset. I said I wanted to talk things over, so that I could move on again. I asked him if he thought nothing would ever happen again between us, and that I really needed to know so I could get some closure. He said he had difficulty being so direct, but I concluded he meant yes, that I should not hope for anything to happen between us again.
I was satisfied, I felt I did what I could to find out what I needed to know, and that I couldn't force the guy to like me after all.
Two weeks later I was at a party, and he was there too. We briefly said hello, but did not really talk. I ignored him the rest of the evening, but I wasn't cold or anything. I had a really good time, had way too much to drink, and stayed till the end. To my surprise he was still there when almost everyone had left already. He was quite drunk at that stage, and so was I. He asked if I wanted to go home with him. Sure, I said. We had great sex then. Next morning, we both wondered what we were doing together, but we didn't really say anything about it. He walked me to my street again and we briefly hugged and kissed, but it felt awkward already.
We did say we were going to meet up again sometime during the week or so, but it was half hearted. At work things were tense at first, but then after a couple of days I said I wanted to kiss him and pulled him close. He kissed me back, and now that kiss felt really great, he seemed to think so too ;-). I was confused again...
I sent him the occasional text then, first time when I was drunk with friends. They had in fact encouraged me to text him. Something sexy, they said. I did, but I wasn't too explicit I thought. The girls liked it, and he texted me back to take it easy. I didn't really want to. I wanted to have sex again, asap. I sent him a couple more texts over the next few days, but he didn't text me back anymore. I thought we needed to see each other again to talk about what we were doing. He didn't want to make time it seemed. After another week, I thought I needed to decide for myself if I wanted to bother still or not, so I told him to come see me the next day at our country house where I was staying all alone for a few days. He said he would come, but that we needed to have a really long talk. I knew what that meant of course, but I thought maybe I could get some fun out of it too. The next day, I thought 'I don't want to make him come to the country (2 hour drive)', so I texted him again saying never mind, that I got the picture and that we didn't really have a connection anyway, etc. I think we both felt a sense of relief. I wouldn't have known what to say to him, and he would've been nervous too probably. So I thought it was all for the best.
At work, we seemed ok again. We acted normal. I was a little annoyed at my sexual thoughts, but I did manage to keep them under control. I told myself to stop everytime any unwelcome thoughts entered my head. It worked all right most of the time, and I was pleased. However, a few days later, a mutual acquaintance told me that he was not happy with me having cancelled our so-called date in the country. A million things went through my mind then... a new opportunity to make out with him - hope I didn't upset him - is he playing a game - are we playing a game - do I approach him again - what do I do...
I decided to send him a completely random text, telling him what I was doing, the next day to see how he would respond. He sent me a random text back. I thought 'ok, we're playing again then, are we?' I liked it. I sent him another text a couple of hours later, when I was getting ready for bed, and said it would be sweet if I could fall asleep next to him. I got no reply.
At work the next day: complete and utter cold shoulderness. He didn't say a word, and was obviously avoiding me. I thought that was rather childish then, but I thought it would pass. At the end of the day, he was still horribly distant. I felt I needed to clear things up. I caught him in the elevator then, and asked if we needed to talk. He said we didn't, that he thought everything was clear. I said I didn't understand, and that it wasn't clear at all to me. He said he was going to get angry. I said don't bother, this reaction of yours now is clear enough to me, and I thanked him. Finally some emotion, yes!
I texted him again after work, to apologize for my misunderstanding and to see if we were ok again. He said yes, and that he was sorry too. Since then, you're probably not going to believe it, but we're normal again at work. Good colleagues, but nothing more, well or maybe that little history that hangs between us makes it a little more special. I'm not unhappy.
This is now a few weeks ago, and recently, he's started to look at me again the way he used to before, what I mistook then as lust or attraction or something thereabouts. I'm now absolutely determined not to act on any of it anymore. I will only have to be careful not to run in to him again when I'm drunk, when there's only one thing on my mind.
I don't know yet why I've started this blog The more you learn about yourself, the more you realize it's impossible to know who you really are There are dos and don'ts when communicating with other people and there's no need for moral judgements, most of the time Love yourself, laugh at yourself I read somewhere that jealousy disappears when you are truly loving yourself and others for whatever experience you're having I'm working on that still, but I feel I'm making progress
