I was thinking I can probably write a short story out of the 'events' of the past few days. Oh, they're probably no big deal to you, but they are to me. I mean, considering my behaviour of these last few months and all. Since March of this year things have taken quite a turn for me. I feel a lot less rushed and fucked up and all. Now anyway. I split up with my husband of four years in March. We'd been going steady for ten years before we got hitched. I'm only 33 now, so you see how young I was. Things had not been going well between us. Nothing major happened or anything, I just felt like I wanted to be with him less and less. He put me down. He made me feel insecure and bad about myself. He sometimes made me feel good about myself too you know, but I didn't need the other bit. And then there was this guy at work. I guess that's how it usually goes with these things. There's always someone else, isn't there. It's like you need someone from outside to open your eyes for you or something.
I'm sitting in a bar right now, pretty much alone except for the bartender, who's reading his paper. I'm drinking my wine and having the occasional cigarette. Oh yeah, I stopped smoking about 5 years ago, but since my break-up I've been having the odd smoke on nights where I'm drinking. I'm no alcoholic or nothing, I just like the occasional drink is all. You know, after a stressful day or at the weekend or something. Anyway, tonight at this bar I met some really nice folk. Bob, Jan and Annemie their names were. They were sitting at the table right in front of me.
I didn't get a text back from him. Nothing. He probably thinks what can I say, it's best to leave her alone. It will pass. No talking. Talking gets me in a mess, he's probably thinking. I dunno. I don't want it to be tough again at work tomorrow. If he's angry with me still we neeeeeeeeeeeeed to talk, that much is clear. I would so like to hear from my other colleague who knows how much I'm suffering now, but I don't want to bother her with my problems. She said not to be ashamed, that I did the right thing by telling him, and that it's not like I'm stalking him or anything.
Well I'm sorry but I have to see this through now. I am in love with you. I'm crazy about you. You're a beautiful person. I care more about you than I knew. I managed somehow to pull the wool over my eyes, or whatever the expression is. I've only realized this since Sunday. It was a painful realization. But it's good. It's good to finally acknowledge this. Whatever your feelings.
You have every right to be angry with me. I can still hardly believe the things I sent you. I was struggling with my feelings. We had fun, but that's over now. You've humbled me, I guess. I'm a little bit ashamed of my behaviour. I don't want to fool around with you anymore, only within a relationship now. I'm not as crazy as I made myself out to be. But, I know you don't reciprocate my feelings anyway. That's probably why I was kidding myself thinking I didn't really have feelings for you either. Sorry, I didn't mean to mess with you like that. Or myself.
Sometimes I don't know when to stop, so I don't know if you need to know this next bit, but anyway. I really hated my relationship with my ex at the end. In fact, it didn't ever feel right. It sounds awful, but it wasn't like that. It gave me stability. But it's important here, because I was fighting the idea of entering a new relationship with you, it felt like I was going backwards. Of course I believe in a relationship, even children. Just not with him, and not right after breaking up with him. I know I was very firm on this subject always, but all these cramped feelings and thoughts seem to have thawed and disappeared now. Life is fluid.
Anyway, now I am digressing a little. What I want to say is that finally something clicked inside my head on Sunday. And I cried my eyes out today, I couldn't work even, because I had all these feelings bottled up inside of me that had to come right out. I know I've been very confusing and confused. I'm sorry if I've been a real bother to you. I may cry again, but it's not your fault or anything. I realize it may take time for you to trust me again. Crazy woman.
For now, I hope you understand a little where I've been coming from, and that you forgive me. I just need to figure out how to deal with seeing you all the time. It's not difficult if you're nice to me, but if you're cold and angry like that, then I feel hurt and want to talk to you. I really don't expect you to fall in love with me or anything, I just want to be able to enjoy working with you again. It's probably too difficult to see you outside of work, because I just want to kiss you after a few beers. It's clear that you're still hung up on your ex, I didn't know that for instance, I don't know anything about your love life. I'm not jealous or anything, I know you need to sort things out in your head too.
All I want is for you to stop cutting me off like that if I tell you how I feel. I can't help what I feel, but it doesn't mean I expect you to feel the same.
I'm really sorry this is a pain for you, I didn't choose for this to happen dude.
Came back from work early today, couldn't stand being in the same building with him. Even though I didn't see him at all. He barely said hello this morning, and looked angry still. I don't know what to do with this awful situation anymore. I sent him another text today saying that I'm in love with him and that it must be difficult for him, but that it's torture for me. and that I wanted to talk. He didn't reply. I'm gonna really ignore him now if he can't be bothered to send me a reply even. Why is he still in my head. Why won't he ever go away?
SC was angry with me today at work. He completely ignored me, I ignored him. I think he thinks this is a game for me or something, but I just needed time to sort out my feelings, and i did it in a most awkward way I guess. I am in love with him, that much is clear now. In fact I love him. But when I saw him with his ex on Saturday night, I knew I couldn't really compete with what they have still. He was all over her still, I thought they were in love, and so did other people who were there. So I thought, fuck it I'm sending him a text, the one I told you about in the previous post. I think that's what's made him angry now. I don't care if he thinks I'm playing around. I'm not, I'm no longer anyway. It's probably too late, but I love him and I really care about him. I didn't before, or at least I didn't want to admit to myself that I cared. I was scared. I needed time to end my previous relationship. That's done now. On thursday my ex and I went for a drink, and all I thought was, I want to get out of here asap. But I was polite and stayed a little while. And now, SC thinks I'm playing a game with him, but I'm not. I even think maybe if he loved me and all, I would like to be the mother of his children if he wanted them. I can't believe I'm saying this!! I truly love him. But whatever is best for him is best. I've had my chance and I ruined it pretty much. The only thing I can do now is show him that I care, without expecting gratitude or anything for that matter. I'm sorry I gave him the wrong impression. I'm not a nympho, but it's obviously what he thinks.
I really care about him.
But I'm no match for his ex (what they have and her beauty) or Lisa (his best friend). I can love him, but it won't ever be enough...
Another day at work yesterday. Everything was fine. We kept our distance. Colleague had birthday drink after work. SC came with his ex!! Why not, I guess. They were a little bit touchy feely still, and I tried not to look at them. Maybe it hurt a little, but I don't think I let it show. I think he still likes her, or at least more than he likes me, which isn't all that much anyway. I sent him a text saying that I really like him, that I'm not using him. That I think he's sweet. I don't really regret it, but I don't like bothering him with my feelings. If I'm honest, I don't know what I feel for him. Unrequited love. Sometimes I think that's exactly what it is. Maybe he needs to know this too. And that it's hard for me to deal with.
I so want everything back to normal, but these things take time, I guess.
I dreamt I saw a dead man floating in green water, under the arch of a bridge. I was watching from a platform or a pier, my brother was standing beside me. The man was around 60. He still had a lot of colour (reddish) for a dead man. I phoned the police with a cell phone (I dialled 0101), they asked me if his heart was still intact. I said I didn't know.
What a stupid question to ask about a dead man.
What or who does the dead man represent? My marriage? Of course it's dead, no question about it. My relationship with SC? I want it to be dead, but there's too much colour there still. And I have no clue about the heart. His: I doubt that it's still beating for me, mine: is definitely beating still for him.
I'm thinking of going abroad, to London. To live there for a year or longer. Nothing is really keeping me here now.
Dream interpretation
Water To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. To see muddy or dirty water in your dream, indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to devote some time to clarify your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, it suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it indicates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions.
The dead man was floating in green water, I was watching from a little platform.
Bridge To dream that you are crossing a bridge, signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage. If the bridge is over water, then it suggests that your transition will be an emotional one. If you fall off the bridge and into the water, then the dream indicates that you are letting your emotions hold you back and prevent you from moving forward. Alternatively, the bridge may indicate that you are trying to "bridge" or connect two things together.
Arch To see an arch in your dream, represents your support system.
To dream that you are passing under an arch, signifies new opportunities. You are headed toward a different direction or phase in your life.
Green Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, fertility, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. Green is also symbolic of your strive to gain recognition and establish your independence. Money, wealth and jealousy are often associated with this color.
Olive Green The olive green color symbolizes natural wisdom and Zen. You need to achieve peace in your environment.
Red Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations. Consider the phrase "seeing red" to denote anger.
Red is also the color of danger, shame, sexual impulses and urges. Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions.
Heart To see your heart in your dream, signifies truth, courage, love, and romance. It is representative of how you are currently dealing with your feelings and expressing your emotions. Also consider the saying "the heart of the matter" which implies that you may need to get down to the core of a situation before proceeding.
Floating To dream that you are floating in water, suggests that you have a handle on your emotions.
Corpse To see a corpse in your dream, represents an aspect of yourself that has died. Or it may mean that you are unexpressive. You have shut yourself down and are dead inside.
Mmm, I don't believe this is it. I think the dead man represents the death of my relationship with a man (SC). I'm unsure if in his heart he still has feelings for me, I think that's how the heart business needs to be interpreted.
Brother To see your brother in your dream, may symbolize some aspect of your relationship with him. It can also serve to remind you that someone in your waking life has certain characteristics/behavior similar to your brother's.
If you do not have a brother and dream that you have one, then he may symbolize characteristics that you need to acknowledge within yourself. The brother in your dream can also be synonymous with a close friend or buddy. Brother also has religious implications and thus represents spiritual issues. Consider also the familiar phrase "big brother is watching you" which indicate that your dream has to deal with issues of authority and oppression.
Cell Phone To see or use a cell phone in your dream, indicates that you are being receptive to new information. It also represents your mobility.
Police The police symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control.
To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police, suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life.
Pier To see or dream that you are on a pier, represents self-reflection and an introspect into your unconscious. You are ready to explore and grow as an individual. The dream signal emotional and spiritual growth.
Zero Zero denotes timelessness, super-conscious, eternity, and absolute freedom. It also symbolizes God.
One One stands for individuality, individuality solitude, the ego, leadership, originality, beginnings, and a winner. It also stands for a higher spiritual force.
Work went really well today. I kept my distance from sexy colleague, and felt I had no business talking to him even. I kept myself to myself, and to whomever was in a chatty mood. He clearly wasn't, and not just with me. I have accepted that he doesn't want me to try and be involved with him, I leave him alone now. But if he ever wants me again, he'll have to spell it out for me, because I don't trust his body language anymore. I'm relieved I've become a little wiser now and that I think I will be able to keep this up forever, keeping my distance, I mean.
I'm probably very stubborn, that's why, I think, I kept trying and trying with him. Or maybe it's the normal thing to do when you sort of fancy someone. I dunno. I'm really glad for all my friends and family.
I feel I'm slowly finding my ground again, and that living with my parents again is more than ok!
Friends, sunshine, festivals, and books... What more can you wish for??
written on 13 July 2009, must've been on a sunny terrace
"It seems preposterous now. It always did probably if I had been willing to see it. The idea of you and me is simply idiotic. You made it clear you don't want to be that person for me - my little toy or my second half? I think I'm mature enough to see that it's for the best, because I really don't think we would fit into each others' lives very well. I wondered at first if it's because I'm not ready for a new commitment - which is definitely true - but I know as well as you do that it's because our personalities don't match. We don't work together. We don't make each other laugh as you pointed out so rightly. It would be a sad and awkward relationship. I wonder if it would be a bad idea to still sleep with you, to have fun with you, though. For me that would be an ideal arrangement in theory. One single guy to sleep with, to kiss, to be physical with. As long as neither of us is seeing anyone, I think, why the hell not? But I imagine you're probably looking for a new relationship, and that kind of an arrangement would mess things up for you.
And then, wouldn't it be hard for me to come to terms with you seeing someone new? Or vice versa - of course. The aftermath might be too much hard work. But I'm all for trying. A man never does what you want him to do, does he? The scripts and delusions in one's head lead to disappointments so very often. But who doesn't like to daydream from time to time? I've hinted enough at sex now, and you remain passive still, so I take it you're not up for it anymore. I don't want you to love me or want a relationship with me. I'm just craving for that physical contact, and through some bizarre leap of fate, I picked you to indulge my little fantasies. I still wonder why it had to be you? Maybe I felt you could handle this without getting emotionally attached. I don't really know what exactly I was doing or thinking when I told you first. You kinda radiated fun.
I know very well that I'm very self-indulgent, but I know you had fun too."
Holiday!! Am going to Italy soon with Donnie, to visit some friends, swim in the sea, have a few laughs and read a lot probably... I'm totally ready to not be interested in sexy colleague anymore. I can do this!
I should ask him what he thinks I want from him. I think he wouldn't know the answer. Because I don't know the answer. I'm confused, I have no ground beneath my feet so to speak. It's a temporary situation. I should think, even if he were to have a new girlfriend, that it's not the right time. He's entitled to a happy life, I really should be able to wish him all the best. But this devil in me keeps thinking that he's just blocking me because I'm in an awkward situation, divorcing, no home, partying night after night, undecisive, unclear, wayward, stubborn, possessive, etc. I wish I could be my old stable self again. I need to really really ignore him now. Not facebook him, not text him, not try to remember his phone number, and delete it as soon as I know it's safe that I'm not going to remember it. I would love to delete him off my facebook too, but it would be too much of a statement, it would be like admitting I have a problem with him, and I don't want to do that to him or myself. But I'm torn, because if I don't I'm still tempted to look at his profile or even send him messages from time to time, and that is making life so incredibly difficult for myself!!! I wish he would disappear and never come back again, well not for at least 5 years or so. That would sort it.
This is crazy. I know he's not in love with me. I know this very well. It's funny, but I keep hoping he will eventually fall in love with me. Even though I'm quite sure that we don't really have anything to offer each other apart from sex. He said to me after snogging him at a festival that he did not want to be that person for me. He also said he didn't like for me to be jealous if I saw him with some other girl at work. Crazy. I'm now thinking maybe he has someone else. Would it really be unbearable for me? Probably at first, yes. But I really don't want to give up my job. I really love it too much. If he were seeing someone from work or outside of work, I'd want him to change jobs. Why is he such an obsession with me? I really don't understand. He said I used him. He said he wasn't going to let me ruin his weekend. All we did was kiss each other a couple of times at the fucking festival and I know I asked him to have sex with me that night, and he said no, but I didn't sulk or anything about it. But why then on the bus home did he say such horrible things, and why did I say to him that I'm not in love with him, and felt like I meant it too? And why oh why do I have to keep writing about this like some obsessed person. I'm trying to really figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and also I want to find a good way of facing him at work. Since we don't really have anything in common, I should just ignore him. That is the best way to deal with this, I'm quite sure. I want to stop being nervous around him, so I want to work with him as little as possible, interact with him as little as possible, it's the only way.
And then I want to be able to stay strong, not become depressed about it, and stop thinking like he should really be someone I can fool around with at will. He's not my toy, he's not my possession, he's a full-fledged human being, I'm crazy to think I can make him fall in love with me. We'd be an awful match anyway. He's a pleasure seeker, he's always wanting laughs and dreads more serious or personal conversations. He's not the guy for me. The problem I still have though, is that I don't believe there actually exists such a man. A man who can be my best friend, someone who will always make me feel better, and who I'm physically attracted to. There's always some part that's missing it seems.
He wouldn't be writing stuff down like I'm doing now, I know it's not in his nature. I don't know anything about him. All I know he's got a delicious little body, he's seriously hot and has a very sexy croaky voice. But he seems to be looking for a girl who's a lot younger also. I'm his age, in my thirties, and I think he prefers someone quite a bit younger I've noticed. He's so obviously on the look-out also, and that makes me nervous again.
What an extraordinary day it's been. I had lots and lots of coffee to keep me going throughout the day. I felt excited. I had a fun day at work. And a pleasant evening with an older colleague of ours and her son. They took me out to dinner to a pakistani restaurant. The food was lovely. The company was interestingly different. But at work, I was with sexy colleague most of the day, and we worked really hard. I felt at ease for some reason. There was no more awkwardness between us. Nothing exceptional happened, but we got along really well, we laughed a few times. He was even teasing me at the end. I was really excited all day. He sort of picked up on that I think. I wasn't necessarily excited about having him around, but the fact that I was going out for dinner with my other colleague and her son, and that I had had a visit from some other colleague at the weekend, that I'm going to two concerts this week still, that I'm seeing my cousin and my best friend tomorrow, etc. I keep thinking about hinting about sex to sexy colleague, but I find it really difficult. It's best not to bother him again. I'm sure if I wish this hard enough, something will happen anyway. So, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish sexy colleague would kiss me passionately on the lips. I wish he would do it sooner rather than later, but maybe that's too much to wish for. I wish he would fall in love with me, truly, madly, deeply. I wish he was already in love with me and is only now beginning to realize this. I wish he would contact me outside of work some time or other. Just a little text saying good night or how are you feeling, or anything simple but caring like that. I wish he would ask me out for a drink next week. I know, grow up.
God, it was difficult today. I went to work, determined not to let him or anything get to my head. I succeeded pretty well, until this afternoon. I managed to ignore him most of the morning, and I think he sensed this. He was not trying to get my attention anymore, which was good. At around 4 pm, we were on the workfloor alone together, and we laughed about something silly. His gorgeous smile cut through me like a knife. I thought 'I'm fucked'. And yes, I thought about having sex with him over and over for the rest of the day, and I started wondering if he would want to do it again, I mean have sex with me. I know - I feel - he thinks I'm sexy. But he's not sure about his feelings, and he once said, a long time ago, that he was through with one night stands. This means, I will have to bide my time for now. We're working together again tomorrow.
I've got a bit of a problem now with my living arrangements. I left my partner, but we're still paying our mortgage together until the house is sold, so I can't afford a place of my own right now. This means I'm living in my parents apartment for now, it's ok now because they're on holiday. They're coming back the day after tomorrow though, and then I will be living with my parents again for the first time in years. That's going to be incredibly difficult. My ex is still living in our house, so I could move back there too, which would seem plausible since there's a lot more space there. But I dread going back to him. I really don't feel like seeing him again. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. It's a chore. So I now have to decide between the lesser of two evils: living with my mom, or living with my ex.
This is what I wrote on the train home tonight after work:
You looked real sexy today. I should've told you when I had the chance. But I thought of it too late. Mindfulness is what keeps popping into my head. Focus on the present. Focus on what needs to be focused on. Not you. But you're like a shimmering diamond begging for my attention. I don't know if you're truly aware of this. I doubt it.
I wonder how much this is bothering you still. I wonder if you're still wondering what it would be like. It was very scary the first time round, I wonder if it'd be any different now. How insolent of me to even consider a second time. I'm not going to do the same thing over and over and expect different results every time. That's insanity, says Einstein. No, it's definitely your turn now. But you need to figure out stuff first. Like your feelings for Lisa perhaps. You know, it would be so much easier for me if she would reciprocate your feelings. I would then find the right motivation to not pursue this thing with you.
I'm absolutely exhausted from an emotional day, I'm thankful for this blog site.
I got a visit from a Donnie today. He came to visit me in my hometown. We did lots of sightseeing stuff, and played tennis for nearly two hours. It was an eventful day, we had lots of fun and had really good talks too. I told him about sexy colleague, and that it was now possible for me to see him in this new light I discovered. I can work with sexy colleague, without wanting anything from him, I told Donnie. I said I'm finally starting to see sexy colleague as a really nice guy, sensitive and careful. I can't believe I never really knew that about him. He was a complete mystery to me. I actually projected my former partner onto him. That's also why I think I felt the relationship was dead before it had even begun. I thought, NO!!!!!! My mind could not distinguish between new boyfriend and old boyfriend. I think he (new bf/sexy colleague) sensed this. It was good of him to run away like that. I did not - was unable to - look at him with new eyes, I expected him to be like former boyfriend. It made the situation difficult, and made me doubt myself and him and us... I think I have moved on now, I mean, I realize how I "deceived" myself, and I finally feel I can say "we'll see how things turn out", without worrying too much about it. I would love to get to know him, in a natural way. I don't want to force things anymore. I would love to find out what he's like, and then if I like him, perhaps fall in love with him properly. But what I did before was just utter madness, I think. He's cool, he's caring, and I underestimated his wit. Let things take its natural course. If he's never going to be interested in me again, then so be it. That would mean it wasn't meant to be, and that it's for the best. It's been an interesting learning curve for me.
I felt ok today. Had a great time at work. No problems with colleagues or customers. Minded my own business, stayed focused. Did not get distracted by sexy colleague. He was there, but I didn't look at him once, and didn't check to see if he was looking. Had our lunch break together. We sat outside, in chairs, side by side, talking. It was nice. We sat there for half an hour, and only two or three times did I think, yummie! I didn't feel I had to talk to him, and that made the difference, I think. It went automatically. He's so cute and sweet. He got me a brownie because I was hungry, without me asking!!! He's got to be careful, I might actually fall in love with him. Crushes. They're ok, I guess. As long as you can both handle it. It shouldn't really influence your behaviour. It's not easy, but it's worth to keep on trying to not let it influence you. You'll enjoy the small gestures even more. Really, the brownie almost killed me. I thought it was the sweetest thing ever
I am very attracted to a guy at work. We've worked together as direct colleagues for a few years now, but I've always been in a relationship and so never really let on. I thought he liked me from the way he would look at me sometimes, but if there is any attraction between us, I'm quite sure it's only physical. We don't talk with each other very often, I don't feel like I have anything to say to him, and the rare occasions he makes conversation, I'm not really interested, and vice versa. But he is just so hot! Just the way he walks screams sex at me. It's annoying at times. I try not to let it influence my behaviour, but it's tricky.
This is what happened: Two months ago, I told him that I thought I had feelings for him. I did think that, honestly. His first reaction was shock. We went for a coffee the next day to talk about it, and I kissed him. I thought he liked it. He walked me home and seemed a little excited too. When we got to my street, he hugged me and kissed me again, and we smiled goodbye.
After a few days I suggested maybe we could go out sometime, catch a film or whatever. He said he didn't think that was a good idea. He didn't want to get involved with a colleague and we should cool it. I was frustrated, but I did kind of understand. I wasn't too comfortable either. But I was a little sad at the same time. Time went by, things were reasonably ok, I did feel uncomfortable at times, but thought it would pass. After about a month or so, I caught him alone in an empty office and said that I still thought about him a lot. He said, "I knew this wasn't over," and seemed annoyed and upset. I said I wanted to talk things over, so that I could move on again. I asked him if he thought nothing would ever happen again between us, and that I really needed to know so I could get some closure. He said he had difficulty being so direct, but I concluded he meant yes, that I should not hope for anything to happen between us again.
I was satisfied, I felt I did what I could to find out what I needed to know, and that I couldn't force the guy to like me after all.
Two weeks later I was at a party, and he was there too. We briefly said hello, but did not really talk. I ignored him the rest of the evening, but I wasn't cold or anything. I had a really good time, had way too much to drink, and stayed till the end. To my surprise he was still there when almost everyone had left already. He was quite drunk at that stage, and so was I. He asked if I wanted to go home with him. Sure, I said. We had great sex then. Next morning, we both wondered what we were doing together, but we didn't really say anything about it. He walked me to my street again and we briefly hugged and kissed, but it felt awkward already.
We did say we were going to meet up again sometime during the week or so, but it was half hearted. At work things were tense at first, but then after a couple of days I said I wanted to kiss him and pulled him close. He kissed me back, and now that kiss felt really great, he seemed to think so too ;-). I was confused again...
I sent him the occasional text then, first time when I was drunk with friends. They had in fact encouraged me to text him. Something sexy, they said. I did, but I wasn't too explicit I thought. The girls liked it, and he texted me back to take it easy. I didn't really want to. I wanted to have sex again, asap. I sent him a couple more texts over the next few days, but he didn't text me back anymore. I thought we needed to see each other again to talk about what we were doing. He didn't want to make time it seemed. After another week, I thought I needed to decide for myself if I wanted to bother still or not, so I told him to come see me the next day at our country house where I was staying all alone for a few days. He said he would come, but that we needed to have a really long talk. I knew what that meant of course, but I thought maybe I could get some fun out of it too. The next day, I thought 'I don't want to make him come to the country (2 hour drive)', so I texted him again saying never mind, that I got the picture and that we didn't really have a connection anyway, etc. I think we both felt a sense of relief. I wouldn't have known what to say to him, and he would've been nervous too probably. So I thought it was all for the best.
At work, we seemed ok again. We acted normal. I was a little annoyed at my sexual thoughts, but I did manage to keep them under control. I told myself to stop everytime any unwelcome thoughts entered my head. It worked all right most of the time, and I was pleased. However, a few days later, a mutual acquaintance told me that he was not happy with me having cancelled our so-called date in the country. A million things went through my mind then... a new opportunity to make out with him - hope I didn't upset him - is he playing a game - are we playing a game - do I approach him again - what do I do...
I decided to send him a completely random text, telling him what I was doing, the next day to see how he would respond. He sent me a random text back. I thought 'ok, we're playing again then, are we?' I liked it. I sent him another text a couple of hours later, when I was getting ready for bed, and said it would be sweet if I could fall asleep next to him. I got no reply.
At work the next day: complete and utter cold shoulderness. He didn't say a word, and was obviously avoiding me. I thought that was rather childish then, but I thought it would pass. At the end of the day, he was still horribly distant. I felt I needed to clear things up. I caught him in the elevator then, and asked if we needed to talk. He said we didn't, that he thought everything was clear. I said I didn't understand, and that it wasn't clear at all to me. He said he was going to get angry. I said don't bother, this reaction of yours now is clear enough to me, and I thanked him. Finally some emotion, yes!
I texted him again after work, to apologize for my misunderstanding and to see if we were ok again. He said yes, and that he was sorry too. Since then, you're probably not going to believe it, but we're normal again at work. Good colleagues, but nothing more, well or maybe that little history that hangs between us makes it a little more special. I'm not unhappy.
This is now a few weeks ago, and recently, he's started to look at me again the way he used to before, what I mistook then as lust or attraction or something thereabouts. I'm now absolutely determined not to act on any of it anymore. I will only have to be careful not to run in to him again when I'm drunk, when there's only one thing on my mind.
I don't know yet why I've started this blog The more you learn about yourself, the more you realize it's impossible to know who you really are There are dos and don'ts when communicating with other people and there's no need for moral judgements, most of the time Love yourself, laugh at yourself I read somewhere that jealousy disappears when you are truly loving yourself and others for whatever experience you're having I'm working on that still, but I feel I'm making progress
