a place to stow my pain away and share it with the world
23-02-2007
Childhood Sweethearts
Well, life's been tough on me lately. Remember how I talked about withdrawing into my own little world? Well that's kind of turned against me... What I think about when I pull back from this world is often directed by recent events in the real world and sometimes I don't like where those thougts take me to. About a week ago I saw someone I had hoped I would never see again: my first real boyfriend.
He's the first guy whose heart I broke and ironically he's the first guy who broke my heart. You see when I broke his heart, I did still love him but jealous friends and gossip pushed the two of us apart and I made a choice; it was the wrong choice I can see that now, but I couldn't at the time. Obviously I regretted it almost immediatly but things seemed irreparable. We did get together again, and again, and again... for a grand total of 9 times of giving it one last shot. It just wasn't the same: the trust was gone. But I loved him and I wanted, no I needed to be with him. But he had changed, and I wasn't the same girl either.
Anyways, about two or three years ago it all came to an end. The friendship, the on/off relationships everything there ever was between us, just kind of vanished. Or at least when you didn't look to close that's how it seemed. We didn't talk anymore, didn't argue anymore, we hardly even looked at each other. This must be strange, I can almost hear you asking: how does all that just vanish? It's easy really: we both are stubborn, but he was definetly the most stubborn person I have ever met. Whenever we had a fight, he'd just stop talking to me for about a month and then I'd try to make it up to him again.
That last time however, I refused to grovell for him. I'd gotten into a fight with an other girl about something that had nothing to do with him, but he sided with the other girl and gave me the silent treatment. We haven't spoken to each other since that day. In fact it seems like we're total strangers when we do cross each other's path.
And that's what happened last week. I passed him by in town and my heart broke all over again. You see, all this time, I have been telling myself that I'm over him and I don't miss him. But the truth is I do still love him and I miss him like crazy. Seeing him triggered a lot of memories and I took them all with me to my sacred world. Ever since I've been seeing images of the two of us making up and talking again, but I know it's not going to happen. And it hurts, it hurts like hell; all the more because I'm positive he truly is over me and doesn't miss me one bit.
So that's what I mean when I say life's been tough on me: I've learned a lot about myself, and what my future will be like. Or at least my future lovelife (lol), you see: he is still my first choice and as long as he is I'll never truly be in a happy relationship because I won't give it my all.
I've never been a girl who could settle for second best, I don't want to be it and I don't want to have it. I need to let him go for me to be happy, but it feels like I won't be happy without him by my side. We've tried to be just friends, but it's not enough: I want it all or nothing. Is that a bad thing to say? It's just the truth, or at least when it comes to him.
The poem I've added just recently to this blog is for him and about him. It might just explain how I feel a lot better than this entire text can do. Forgive me if my writing seems confused, I am confused. It's been about 9 years since I fell in love with him and three years since we last talked, and still I ache for him so badly I haven't even used his name in this entire story. Well, for those who care to know, his name is: Xavier
Cant sleep because Im thinking of you. Cant love because Im remembering us. Cant have faith because Ive lost yours. Afraid of needing since needing you killed you and me.
I saw you in town last week, handsome as ever. It hurt seeing you, passing me by like any stranger; You are no stranger: I see you every night. I hear your voice, taste your lips daily.
Its been so long since we last talked. To long it seems to me. Five years of history, joy and tears, love and hate all down the drain: what a waste.
Am I the only one feeling this confused? Do you even recall my face, my voice? Do you hate me still, after all these years? I dare not hope for love or even friendship
Pity perhaps? Pity for the girl who Cant sleep because shes thinking of you? Cant love because shes remembering us? Cant have faith because shes lost yours? Afraid of needing since needing you nearly killed her?
Do you feel anything at all? Thinking about that girl? I wish I knew. Desperately wish I knew
Its been a bad day. No, its been a terrible day since the moment I got out of bed. I felt awfully nauseous this morning, so I decided to skip the first class. Its not like thats so big a deal: Ive seen it all before and will be perfectly capable of picking in next week. The nausea settled down, so I figured I might as well get to school for the remaining classes. On the way I started to feel worse again, but I refused to return home. I made it through the first class easily enough, all my attention was needed to keep up and that kept me from worrying about feeling bad.
I just felt like being alone, nonetheless I went to lunch with two friends. I didnt eat a thing and felt increasingly worse. Its not that anything was physically wrong with me, the nausea had more or less passed, but I didnt feel well at all. My thoughts kept wandering and I didnt care for company. I didnt talk much either and that worried my friends, theyre used to me telling entire stories during the lunch break. I was fidgeting constantly, scratching my hands, thinking about things; dont even remember what I was thinking about.
In the end I couldnt stand it anymore. One of my friends kept offering me some of her lunch, trying to get me to eat and though I know she meant well she was getting on my last nerve. So I just left the table and went outside, not giving them a chance to go with me. We had to switch buildings so I decided to wait for them at the one our class would be in.
I know I was thinking about stuff all the time, but I truly dont know what stuff that was. Id put my music on real loud and I remember listening to Meat Loafs Heaven can wait; wondering if something was wrong with me. And I truly didnt want my friends to see me like that, so when I got to the right building I went inside for a little while and watched the two of them pass me by. Only then did I go outside, hoping to find a quiet spot to think it over.
Unfortunately they must have seen me because right after I had settled down in a corner they joined me. I said hi, but didnt turn my music of, and started rocking back and forth. I remember thinking that I couldnt think properly with them around; they kept me from focussing on my inner world or whatever I should call it. It was pulling me in and they kept pulling me out. I know they worry about me, but they shouldnt. Its nice to leave this world every now and then and retreat in my own little world. The music helps me shut out everything else; I dont really listen to it most of the time. But I couldnt just shut them out; they would only worry more and maybe even think Im crazy or something.
Neen, uw blog moet niet dagelijks worden bijgewerkt. Het is gewoon zoals je het zélf wenst. Indien je geen tijd hebt om dit dagelijks te doen, maar bvb. enkele keren per week, is dit ook goed. Het is op jouw eigen tempo, met andere woorden: vele keren per dag mag dus ook zeker en vast, 1 keer per week ook.
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