a place to stow my pain away and share it with the world
16-05-2007
Jumping to conclusions
I should really stop jumping to conclusions like I tend to do. I've told y'all about my relationship with Bart and my feelings for Henk and how it was a dead-end street right? Well, I was wrong... I mean sure, Henk is still very special indeed and I know if things had been different I would have tried for him eventually. But I should learn to accept that everything happens for a reason, no matter how hard to believe that seems at times. In this past week and a half I've grown very fond of Bart and I actually look forward to seeing him back. It's like in the past few days a switch in my head got turned and all of a sudden I see all the good things I couldn't see before. Even though my feelings for Bart are nothing like the feverish, passionate (although) intense emotions I usually have for a guy when I give him my heart, that might turn out to be a good thing in the long run. I mean let's face it, all those relationships just kind of vanished in thin air. For it is as Shakespeare has said: "These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume." Got to love Shakespeare, right? He has written so many truthful things. But back to my tale of Bart. With him there are no such 'violent delights', but there is a certain calm and peace in being with him. A feeling of belonging, perhaps. When I'm with him I do not worry about the past nor the future, I just enjoy what is going on. There's no hurry and no regret, just respect and gratefulness. Everything is different with him but instead of spooking me out like I thought it would have, I actually enjoy it. I revell in his love and devotion and sometimes regret his giving nature. For Heaven knows this boy spoils me to no end. But instead of enjoying it and trying to take all I can, I try to make him spend less on me. I never was a taker, I've always been a giver and it's strange to all of a sudden be spoiled rotten myself. Maybe love can grow after all, at least if there is friendship to begin with. I always resisted to the idea, believing that the feeling was there, or it never would be. But I seem to have been wrong. I sincerely find myself hoping that somehow Bart and I will make it work. Yes, I just might grow into loving that guy. But then, with his sweetness, I shouldn't be surprised. Thing is: I usually go for the rebel, the bad guy, and Bart he's nothing like that. But as I keep telling him: there's hope for him yet Anyways... thx for reading
Would you like to know my specialty? Getting myself into a web of situation with no easy way out. I've been posting poems on this blog, dealing about Henk, the boy (or should I say man) with whom I am in love. The feelings towards this guy have not changed and I still long to see his face and hear his voice. I yearn to talk and joke with him and just maybe, if only for a second, feel his arms around me. But all that is more out of reach now than it ever was. You see, I am dating somebody else now. Somebody, I must admit, I don't feel anything but friendship towards. Not that there is anything wrong with this guy, there's just no spark. Well not from my side anyways. Bart (that's his name) is the sweetest boy a girl could meet, he makes me laugh and he's a good kisser. But he's not the one I want. It's as simple as that. The problem lies in the fact that he is so unbelievably sweet. I just couldn't refuse him, because I didn't want to hurt him. I still don't. Like I said, he's amazingly sweet, and he seems to really like me. I can't bear the thought of hurting him. This morning, while talking to a friend of his, there was a sparkle of hope, although I didn't show it. This friend told me that my 'boyfriend' was actually seeing some other girl already. Turns out he made that story up so as not to seem pathetic to his friend. So I'm in neckdeep. I want to get out of this, but I can't do so without hurting him. And staying with him I rob myself of happiness. Tears have been streaming down my face all day it seems, or at least in those moments I've been alone. And when I'm not crying I feel like I'm going to any second. I feel like screaming and breaking stuff one moment and the next I just want to sit down and cry and pray the world just goes away. I told a friend today I want to die, but that's not true. To quote Robbie Williams: "I don't want to die, but I'm not keen on living either". Feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place: on the one side there's the possibility of continuing this 'relationship' with Bart and crying myself to sleep for at least quite a while longer and on the other side there's the possibility of breaking this boy's heart and feeling sad and guilty about that for a long time to come. To be honest, neither appeals to me very much. But if I must choose between hurting myself or hurting somebody as sweet and caring as Bart, the choice is an easy, though unpleasant one: I will suffer myself, trying to make him happy. It's on days like this that I thank the god and goddess for my gift of acting. I know I can keep up appearances long enough, pretending to be in love and content with Bart and not revealing where my heart truly lies, namely with Henk. I also know that even though those I don't want to know, won't know, I will know and my closest friends will know. And my friends will be hurt over the fact that I'm hurt. Damn I don't like where this is going at all!!! But it looks like I'm in for a hard time, no matter what. And I feel like I'm lost in darkness, not knowing where to turn to find the light. I can only hope and pray things will work themselves out in the long run. My dear friends, my God and Godess, and anybody who can find it in their heart to care, please send me some strenght and encouragement, while I walk towards my fate. Whatever that may be.
