a place to stow my pain away and share it with the world
07-05-2007
Lost in darkness
Would you like to know my specialty? Getting myself into a web of situation with no easy way out. I've been posting poems on this blog, dealing about Henk, the boy (or should I say man) with whom I am in love. The feelings towards this guy have not changed and I still long to see his face and hear his voice. I yearn to talk and joke with him and just maybe, if only for a second, feel his arms around me. But all that is more out of reach now than it ever was. You see, I am dating somebody else now. Somebody, I must admit, I don't feel anything but friendship towards. Not that there is anything wrong with this guy, there's just no spark. Well not from my side anyways. Bart (that's his name) is the sweetest boy a girl could meet, he makes me laugh and he's a good kisser. But he's not the one I want. It's as simple as that. The problem lies in the fact that he is so unbelievably sweet. I just couldn't refuse him, because I didn't want to hurt him. I still don't. Like I said, he's amazingly sweet, and he seems to really like me. I can't bear the thought of hurting him. This morning, while talking to a friend of his, there was a sparkle of hope, although I didn't show it. This friend told me that my 'boyfriend' was actually seeing some other girl already. Turns out he made that story up so as not to seem pathetic to his friend. So I'm in neckdeep. I want to get out of this, but I can't do so without hurting him. And staying with him I rob myself of happiness. Tears have been streaming down my face all day it seems, or at least in those moments I've been alone. And when I'm not crying I feel like I'm going to any second. I feel like screaming and breaking stuff one moment and the next I just want to sit down and cry and pray the world just goes away. I told a friend today I want to die, but that's not true. To quote Robbie Williams: "I don't want to die, but I'm not keen on living either". Feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place: on the one side there's the possibility of continuing this 'relationship' with Bart and crying myself to sleep for at least quite a while longer and on the other side there's the possibility of breaking this boy's heart and feeling sad and guilty about that for a long time to come. To be honest, neither appeals to me very much. But if I must choose between hurting myself or hurting somebody as sweet and caring as Bart, the choice is an easy, though unpleasant one: I will suffer myself, trying to make him happy. It's on days like this that I thank the god and goddess for my gift of acting. I know I can keep up appearances long enough, pretending to be in love and content with Bart and not revealing where my heart truly lies, namely with Henk. I also know that even though those I don't want to know, won't know, I will know and my closest friends will know. And my friends will be hurt over the fact that I'm hurt. Damn I don't like where this is going at all!!! But it looks like I'm in for a hard time, no matter what. And I feel like I'm lost in darkness, not knowing where to turn to find the light. I can only hope and pray things will work themselves out in the long run. My dear friends, my God and Godess, and anybody who can find it in their heart to care, please send me some strenght and encouragement, while I walk towards my fate. Whatever that may be.
God what a stupid, brainless, weak creature am I? For months now I've been reminding myself of your cruelty and your utter lack of respect for me. And still, deep inside, I've always know I wanted you back. Well not anymore, not after the way you treated me this time. Talking to you on msn was fun, it felt right somehow. And cunning as you are you led me to believe you regretted breaking up with me. You actually made me believe you missed me and you wanted me back. So we agreed to go out together, I should've known you weren't serious when you couldn't make it that day. But I was foolish enough to believe your reason and go out with you the next day, being yesterday. God I'm stupid!!!!!!!! The night started off okay, we talked and it was almost like the silence between us had never existed. We went dancing and I had a great time, dancing with you or dancing on my own, it didn't matter. But you were tired so we left early and you would drive me home. God you do play the game well, don't you? Walking to the car, you took my hand and complained about how long it had been. And again, I thought it meant you still felt something for me. In the car we talked again, joked and teased each other and it really felt like it did back then. Guess I was the only one feeling it. But you were smart enough not to reveal what you were really thinking about, weren't you? Oh no, you just kept pretending you missed me, not my body. When you stopped the car, we talked and I told you to find yourself a girl. And what did you do? You held me close and told me you already had a girl. Well, obviously one thing led to another and we started kissing. And yes I know I turned you on and I won't denie you turned me on too, but god damn you if you honestly believed I was not emotionally involved. Because I was and I was stupid enough to believe you were too. All day today, I've been wondering, wether we would get together again or not. Told my friends about you and they all encouraged me to go for it, to give it a chance. I shouldn't have listened!!! Look where I ended up by trusting you again, all alone and heartbroken again. I wish I could tell you that I hate you, I wish I could show you each and every tear I've cried since you told me what happened yesterday was caused by lust, not by love. Believe me I never expected love from you, but just some emotional attachment, was that really too much to ask??? I guess for you it was. I know I despise you and I know I've cried a hell of a lot of tears in these last 40 minutes, but I also know I will never tell you in person. Because you helped me see, how weak, pathetic, stupid, meaningless and small I really am. Thank you for shattering my dreams, again.
It's amazing how quickly emotions change, isn't it? I mean, days ago I was a complete wreck, crying over a boy whose love I've lost years ago. And now... now I'm enjoying life again. It's amazing and I'm planning on loving every second of it.
I wasn't feeling this good at all when I left home Tuesday night. I felt like I needed some company other than my computer, my dad or my sis... So I left to go to a snooker club nearby where I've had a lot of great nights so far. The people visiting the club are mostly very nice and there's always a party-feeling. But when I got there on Tuesday, I could sense it wouldn't be so great this time. And true enough within half an hour, some overweight, forty-something, man was telling me I'm overweight and he was going to help me with that. Now on any other night I would have laughed at him and thrown the remark back in his face, but that night I was feeling down enough without him putting me down even more, thank you very much.
So I left, just put on my coat and hat and said I was going somewhere more fun and less insulting. Now my other favorite bar is an Irish pub downtown, called Celtic Towers. I just love to go there, not only do they have the best beer ever -Killkenny Cream ;) - it's also a mix of nationalities. Apparently Manchester United was playing Tuesday and the pub was packed with football aficionados; Irish, Scottish, English and Belgian all watching the game on three screens near the bar.
I found me a seat at the bar, ordered half a pint of Killkenny and enjoyed the game. It was crazy, within 2 minutes Man Un had already scored, after about 15 minutes of playing Man Un was leading 3-0 and the fans were going crazy. Some Scottish fellow saw me cheering for Manchester and invited me to sit at his table with his friends. I happily accepted, since I would have a better view. So when I sat down, it turned out his friends were aged about anywhere between 25 and 45. Obviously, being 20 myself, I felt more comfortable with the guys who were 20something. Unfortunately the guy who had invited me to sit there didn't take that very well, he was 40 himself you see... So after a while he really started insulting me and I was getting kind of furious. I mean, I leave one bar, because I'm being insulted only to be insulted in the next bar too? You can imagine I didn't like it...
By then the bar was closed and we decided to go someplace else. Once on the street, Paul, the insulting one, took my hat from me, knowing it means a lot to me since it's a birthday present, and ran with it. I tried to take it back, but he wouldn't give it to me and when I fell down he didn't even stop but just kept going. Needless to say I wasn't planning on going anywhere with the guy. So me and an Irish fellow followed a couple of Belgian guys to a bar that was still open, losing the others quite purposely on the way.
The guy who did come with me was 42, but he hadn't given me a hard time at all, as he realised and accepted that I wasn't going to fall for him. In the bar I saw a guy who kind of pleased me. He was nice to look at and had piercings in his face, and I love piercings on a guy :) So I excused myself to Mickey and went over to the other one for conversation. I talked to him for a minute or so and went back to Mickey to dance, making sure the other guy could see me too.
As I was dancing I could see he liked what he saw, so I went over again and danced with him. I found out his name was Rudi, he had a tongue-piercing, one in his brow and one just under his mouth and a necklace with a reversed pentacle. Now I must say the necklace gave me a shock... You see, I'm a Wicca myself and a reversed pentacle is a sign for the satanic way of life. But for some reason the guy himself didn't scare me at all, actually I felt very at peace with him.
Mickey went home, or rather back to his hotel, and I stayed with my new favourite guy. When the bar closed there as well, we went to another bar with Rudi's best friend and had some fun there. We met another woman in that bar and left with her when it was time to leave. By that time it was past 7 am already, but we didn't feel like sleeping so we went to look for another place that would be open. We found several and hopped from cafe to cafe but in the end we went to a supermarket, bought some whine and went to Lily's apartment.
We enjoyed ourselves there for quite some time, but we were all tired and decided to rest a little bit. Rudi and I sat together and he put his legs over mine and my head on his chest. He fell asleep quite quick, but I was only dozing so when I heard my name I opened my eyes but I didn't make a sound. Turned out Didi, Rudi's best friend :P, said that I looked so happy, lying there. And for the first time in a long time I felt completely at ease and, for lack of a better word, happy. I didn't worry for a second if I was ever going to see the guy at all, or if whatever we had started that night would last. For the first time in my life I lived completely for the moment, and let me tell you: it felt good. But the time came for me to leave and I couldn't wake Rudi, no matter how hard I tried. So I slipped from underneath him kissed him one last time and left a note saying I had to leave and I couldn't get him to wake. I also told him to call me whenever if he wanted to.
He did call me, when he woke up. But just to ask how to get away from there since lily was asleep too. He said he'd be in touch, maybe he will. I'll let you know when he does :) But it's not important to me... If it's meant to be, we'll meet again, if it's not then I'm grateful for the moments we shared. I had forgotten what happiness feels like. So thanks Rudi, wherever you are now.
Well, life's been tough on me lately. Remember how I talked about withdrawing into my own little world? Well that's kind of turned against me... What I think about when I pull back from this world is often directed by recent events in the real world and sometimes I don't like where those thougts take me to. About a week ago I saw someone I had hoped I would never see again: my first real boyfriend.
He's the first guy whose heart I broke and ironically he's the first guy who broke my heart. You see when I broke his heart, I did still love him but jealous friends and gossip pushed the two of us apart and I made a choice; it was the wrong choice I can see that now, but I couldn't at the time. Obviously I regretted it almost immediatly but things seemed irreparable. We did get together again, and again, and again... for a grand total of 9 times of giving it one last shot. It just wasn't the same: the trust was gone. But I loved him and I wanted, no I needed to be with him. But he had changed, and I wasn't the same girl either.
Anyways, about two or three years ago it all came to an end. The friendship, the on/off relationships everything there ever was between us, just kind of vanished. Or at least when you didn't look to close that's how it seemed. We didn't talk anymore, didn't argue anymore, we hardly even looked at each other. This must be strange, I can almost hear you asking: how does all that just vanish? It's easy really: we both are stubborn, but he was definetly the most stubborn person I have ever met. Whenever we had a fight, he'd just stop talking to me for about a month and then I'd try to make it up to him again.
That last time however, I refused to grovell for him. I'd gotten into a fight with an other girl about something that had nothing to do with him, but he sided with the other girl and gave me the silent treatment. We haven't spoken to each other since that day. In fact it seems like we're total strangers when we do cross each other's path.
And that's what happened last week. I passed him by in town and my heart broke all over again. You see, all this time, I have been telling myself that I'm over him and I don't miss him. But the truth is I do still love him and I miss him like crazy. Seeing him triggered a lot of memories and I took them all with me to my sacred world. Ever since I've been seeing images of the two of us making up and talking again, but I know it's not going to happen. And it hurts, it hurts like hell; all the more because I'm positive he truly is over me and doesn't miss me one bit.
So that's what I mean when I say life's been tough on me: I've learned a lot about myself, and what my future will be like. Or at least my future lovelife (lol), you see: he is still my first choice and as long as he is I'll never truly be in a happy relationship because I won't give it my all.
I've never been a girl who could settle for second best, I don't want to be it and I don't want to have it. I need to let him go for me to be happy, but it feels like I won't be happy without him by my side. We've tried to be just friends, but it's not enough: I want it all or nothing. Is that a bad thing to say? It's just the truth, or at least when it comes to him.
The poem I've added just recently to this blog is for him and about him. It might just explain how I feel a lot better than this entire text can do. Forgive me if my writing seems confused, I am confused. It's been about 9 years since I fell in love with him and three years since we last talked, and still I ache for him so badly I haven't even used his name in this entire story. Well, for those who care to know, his name is: Xavier
Cant sleep because Im thinking of you. Cant love because Im remembering us. Cant have faith because Ive lost yours. Afraid of needing since needing you killed you and me.
I saw you in town last week, handsome as ever. It hurt seeing you, passing me by like any stranger; You are no stranger: I see you every night. I hear your voice, taste your lips daily.
Its been so long since we last talked. To long it seems to me. Five years of history, joy and tears, love and hate all down the drain: what a waste.
Am I the only one feeling this confused? Do you even recall my face, my voice? Do you hate me still, after all these years? I dare not hope for love or even friendship
Pity perhaps? Pity for the girl who Cant sleep because shes thinking of you? Cant love because shes remembering us? Cant have faith because shes lost yours? Afraid of needing since needing you nearly killed her?
Do you feel anything at all? Thinking about that girl? I wish I knew. Desperately wish I knew
Its been a bad day. No, its been a terrible day since the moment I got out of bed. I felt awfully nauseous this morning, so I decided to skip the first class. Its not like thats so big a deal: Ive seen it all before and will be perfectly capable of picking in next week. The nausea settled down, so I figured I might as well get to school for the remaining classes. On the way I started to feel worse again, but I refused to return home. I made it through the first class easily enough, all my attention was needed to keep up and that kept me from worrying about feeling bad.
I just felt like being alone, nonetheless I went to lunch with two friends. I didnt eat a thing and felt increasingly worse. Its not that anything was physically wrong with me, the nausea had more or less passed, but I didnt feel well at all. My thoughts kept wandering and I didnt care for company. I didnt talk much either and that worried my friends, theyre used to me telling entire stories during the lunch break. I was fidgeting constantly, scratching my hands, thinking about things; dont even remember what I was thinking about.
In the end I couldnt stand it anymore. One of my friends kept offering me some of her lunch, trying to get me to eat and though I know she meant well she was getting on my last nerve. So I just left the table and went outside, not giving them a chance to go with me. We had to switch buildings so I decided to wait for them at the one our class would be in.
I know I was thinking about stuff all the time, but I truly dont know what stuff that was. Id put my music on real loud and I remember listening to Meat Loafs Heaven can wait; wondering if something was wrong with me. And I truly didnt want my friends to see me like that, so when I got to the right building I went inside for a little while and watched the two of them pass me by. Only then did I go outside, hoping to find a quiet spot to think it over.
Unfortunately they must have seen me because right after I had settled down in a corner they joined me. I said hi, but didnt turn my music of, and started rocking back and forth. I remember thinking that I couldnt think properly with them around; they kept me from focussing on my inner world or whatever I should call it. It was pulling me in and they kept pulling me out. I know they worry about me, but they shouldnt. Its nice to leave this world every now and then and retreat in my own little world. The music helps me shut out everything else; I dont really listen to it most of the time. But I couldnt just shut them out; they would only worry more and maybe even think Im crazy or something.
Neen, uw blog moet niet dagelijks worden bijgewerkt. Het is gewoon zoals je het zélf wenst. Indien je geen tijd hebt om dit dagelijks te doen, maar bvb. enkele keren per week, is dit ook goed. Het is op jouw eigen tempo, met andere woorden: vele keren per dag mag dus ook zeker en vast, 1 keer per week ook.
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