a place to stow my pain away and share it with the world
23-02-2007
Childhood Sweethearts
Well, life's been tough on me lately. Remember how I talked about withdrawing into my own little world? Well that's kind of turned against me... What I think about when I pull back from this world is often directed by recent events in the real world and sometimes I don't like where those thougts take me to. About a week ago I saw someone I had hoped I would never see again: my first real boyfriend.
He's the first guy whose heart I broke and ironically he's the first guy who broke my heart. You see when I broke his heart, I did still love him but jealous friends and gossip pushed the two of us apart and I made a choice; it was the wrong choice I can see that now, but I couldn't at the time. Obviously I regretted it almost immediatly but things seemed irreparable. We did get together again, and again, and again... for a grand total of 9 times of giving it one last shot. It just wasn't the same: the trust was gone. But I loved him and I wanted, no I needed to be with him. But he had changed, and I wasn't the same girl either.
Anyways, about two or three years ago it all came to an end. The friendship, the on/off relationships everything there ever was between us, just kind of vanished. Or at least when you didn't look to close that's how it seemed. We didn't talk anymore, didn't argue anymore, we hardly even looked at each other. This must be strange, I can almost hear you asking: how does all that just vanish? It's easy really: we both are stubborn, but he was definetly the most stubborn person I have ever met. Whenever we had a fight, he'd just stop talking to me for about a month and then I'd try to make it up to him again.
That last time however, I refused to grovell for him. I'd gotten into a fight with an other girl about something that had nothing to do with him, but he sided with the other girl and gave me the silent treatment. We haven't spoken to each other since that day. In fact it seems like we're total strangers when we do cross each other's path.
And that's what happened last week. I passed him by in town and my heart broke all over again. You see, all this time, I have been telling myself that I'm over him and I don't miss him. But the truth is I do still love him and I miss him like crazy. Seeing him triggered a lot of memories and I took them all with me to my sacred world. Ever since I've been seeing images of the two of us making up and talking again, but I know it's not going to happen. And it hurts, it hurts like hell; all the more because I'm positive he truly is over me and doesn't miss me one bit.
So that's what I mean when I say life's been tough on me: I've learned a lot about myself, and what my future will be like. Or at least my future lovelife (lol), you see: he is still my first choice and as long as he is I'll never truly be in a happy relationship because I won't give it my all.
I've never been a girl who could settle for second best, I don't want to be it and I don't want to have it. I need to let him go for me to be happy, but it feels like I won't be happy without him by my side. We've tried to be just friends, but it's not enough: I want it all or nothing. Is that a bad thing to say? It's just the truth, or at least when it comes to him.
The poem I've added just recently to this blog is for him and about him. It might just explain how I feel a lot better than this entire text can do. Forgive me if my writing seems confused, I am confused. It's been about 9 years since I fell in love with him and three years since we last talked, and still I ache for him so badly I haven't even used his name in this entire story. Well, for those who care to know, his name is: Xavier
Cant sleep because Im thinking of you. Cant love because Im remembering us. Cant have faith because Ive lost yours. Afraid of needing since needing you killed you and me.
I saw you in town last week, handsome as ever. It hurt seeing you, passing me by like any stranger; You are no stranger: I see you every night. I hear your voice, taste your lips daily.
Its been so long since we last talked. To long it seems to me. Five years of history, joy and tears, love and hate all down the drain: what a waste.
Am I the only one feeling this confused? Do you even recall my face, my voice? Do you hate me still, after all these years? I dare not hope for love or even friendship
Pity perhaps? Pity for the girl who Cant sleep because shes thinking of you? Cant love because shes remembering us? Cant have faith because shes lost yours? Afraid of needing since needing you nearly killed her?
Do you feel anything at all? Thinking about that girl? I wish I knew. Desperately wish I knew
