Would you like to know my specialty? Getting myself into a web of situation with no easy way out. I've been posting poems on this blog, dealing about Henk, the boy (or should I say man) with whom I am in love. The feelings towards this guy have not changed and I still long to see his face and hear his voice. I yearn to talk and joke with him and just maybe, if only for a second, feel his arms around me. But all that is more out of reach now than it ever was.
You see, I am dating somebody else now. Somebody, I must admit, I don't feel anything but friendship towards. Not that there is anything wrong with this guy, there's just no spark. Well not from my side anyways. Bart (that's his name) is the sweetest boy a girl could meet, he makes me laugh and he's a good kisser. But he's not the one I want. It's as simple as that. The problem lies in the fact that he is so unbelievably sweet. I just couldn't refuse him, because I didn't want to hurt him. I still don't. Like I said, he's amazingly sweet, and he seems to really like me. I can't bear the thought of hurting him. This morning, while talking to a friend of his, there was a sparkle of hope, although I didn't show it. This friend told me that my 'boyfriend' was actually seeing some other girl already. Turns out he made that story up so as not to seem pathetic to his friend.  So I'm in neckdeep.
I want to get out of this, but I can't do so without hurting him. And staying with him I rob myself of happiness. Tears have been streaming down my face all day it seems, or at least in those moments I've been alone. And when I'm not crying I feel like I'm going to any second. I feel like screaming and breaking stuff one moment and the next I just want to sit down and cry and pray the world just goes away. I told a friend today I want to die, but that's not true. To quote Robbie Williams: "I don't want to die, but I'm not keen on living either". Feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place: on the one side there's the possibility of continuing this 'relationship' with Bart and crying myself to sleep for at least quite a while longer and on the other side there's the possibility of breaking this boy's heart and feeling sad and guilty about that for a long time to come. To be honest, neither appeals to me very much. But if I must choose between hurting myself or hurting somebody as sweet and caring as Bart, the choice is an easy, though unpleasant one: I will suffer myself, trying to make him happy.
It's on days like this that I thank the god and goddess for my gift of acting. I know I can keep up appearances long enough, pretending to be in love and content with Bart and not revealing where my heart truly lies, namely with Henk. I also know that even though those I don't want to know, won't know, I will know and my closest friends will know. And my friends will be hurt over the fact that I'm hurt. Damn I don't like where this is going at all!!!
But it looks like I'm in for a hard time, no matter what. And I feel like I'm lost in darkness, not knowing where to turn to find the light. I can only hope and pray things will work themselves out in the long run. My dear friends, my God and Godess, and anybody who can find it in their heart to care, please send me some strenght and encouragement, while I walk towards my fate. Whatever that may be.

07-05-2007 om 05:34 geschreven door steffi