a place to stow my pain away and share it with the world
13-10-2006
My Inner World
Its been a bad day. No, its been a terrible day since the moment I got out of bed. I felt awfully nauseous this morning, so I decided to skip the first class. Its not like thats so big a deal: Ive seen it all before and will be perfectly capable of picking in next week. The nausea settled down, so I figured I might as well get to school for the remaining classes. On the way I started to feel worse again, but I refused to return home. I made it through the first class easily enough, all my attention was needed to keep up and that kept me from worrying about feeling bad.
I just felt like being alone, nonetheless I went to lunch with two friends. I didnt eat a thing and felt increasingly worse. Its not that anything was physically wrong with me, the nausea had more or less passed, but I didnt feel well at all. My thoughts kept wandering and I didnt care for company. I didnt talk much either and that worried my friends, theyre used to me telling entire stories during the lunch break. I was fidgeting constantly, scratching my hands, thinking about things; dont even remember what I was thinking about.
In the end I couldnt stand it anymore. One of my friends kept offering me some of her lunch, trying to get me to eat and though I know she meant well she was getting on my last nerve. So I just left the table and went outside, not giving them a chance to go with me. We had to switch buildings so I decided to wait for them at the one our class would be in.
I know I was thinking about stuff all the time, but I truly dont know what stuff that was. Id put my music on real loud and I remember listening to Meat Loafs Heaven can wait; wondering if something was wrong with me. And I truly didnt want my friends to see me like that, so when I got to the right building I went inside for a little while and watched the two of them pass me by. Only then did I go outside, hoping to find a quiet spot to think it over.
Unfortunately they must have seen me because right after I had settled down in a corner they joined me. I said hi, but didnt turn my music of, and started rocking back and forth. I remember thinking that I couldnt think properly with them around; they kept me from focussing on my inner world or whatever I should call it. It was pulling me in and they kept pulling me out. I know they worry about me, but they shouldnt. Its nice to leave this world every now and then and retreat in my own little world. The music helps me shut out everything else; I dont really listen to it most of the time. But I couldnt just shut them out; they would only worry more and maybe even think Im crazy or something.
