a place to stow my pain away and share it with the world
30-03-2007
My Mother Kicked Me Out
Again my life has changed drastically. Tuesday evening my mother and I got into a huge fight, and she kicked me out of her house. Well, if you asked her I chose to leave, but that doesn't really matter does it? I couldn't go to my dad's since he's out of the country and I wouldn't have anything to eat there. Luckily for me, a friend was with me during the entire fight and she offered to take me home with her for the weekend. So here I am, in a strange city, in a strange house pretending everything is fine. And to a certain extent I am fine, during the day I'm as calm as I can be, but the moment my mum stops working I get nervous and tense. I know she can't hurt me here, but still I can't help myself. I suppose what they say about old habits is true: they're hard to quit. For yearsI've had to be very careful about what I did or said around my mother. I never knew what could set her off in a terrible rage. Any tiny thing was reason enough for her to shout at me and/or my sister. I'm away from her now, but still I'm afraid that any minute she will be yelling at me for whatever reason. My friends tell me she's probably hoping I'll come back regardless but I've finally won my freedom, and I intend to fight with everything I have to keep it. Enough is just enough. The only thing I'm really worried about is my sister's peace of mind. For years I've tried to protect her from my mother's fits, now that I'm gone she'll be getting the full load of it. And she doesn't deserve that. Ah well, I'm staying at my friend's place untill monday and then I'm going to my father's. I just hope he lets me stay with him, I think he will. He knows things have never worked out between me and my mum. No matter what happens, I will survive and come out a stronger person. Well, that's my 'sad' story, just felt like sending it out into the world.
It's amazing how quickly emotions change, isn't it? I mean, days ago I was a complete wreck, crying over a boy whose love I've lost years ago. And now... now I'm enjoying life again. It's amazing and I'm planning on loving every second of it.
I wasn't feeling this good at all when I left home Tuesday night. I felt like I needed some company other than my computer, my dad or my sis... So I left to go to a snooker club nearby where I've had a lot of great nights so far. The people visiting the club are mostly very nice and there's always a party-feeling. But when I got there on Tuesday, I could sense it wouldn't be so great this time. And true enough within half an hour, some overweight, forty-something, man was telling me I'm overweight and he was going to help me with that. Now on any other night I would have laughed at him and thrown the remark back in his face, but that night I was feeling down enough without him putting me down even more, thank you very much.
So I left, just put on my coat and hat and said I was going somewhere more fun and less insulting. Now my other favorite bar is an Irish pub downtown, called Celtic Towers. I just love to go there, not only do they have the best beer ever -Killkenny Cream ;) - it's also a mix of nationalities. Apparently Manchester United was playing Tuesday and the pub was packed with football aficionados; Irish, Scottish, English and Belgian all watching the game on three screens near the bar.
I found me a seat at the bar, ordered half a pint of Killkenny and enjoyed the game. It was crazy, within 2 minutes Man Un had already scored, after about 15 minutes of playing Man Un was leading 3-0 and the fans were going crazy. Some Scottish fellow saw me cheering for Manchester and invited me to sit at his table with his friends. I happily accepted, since I would have a better view. So when I sat down, it turned out his friends were aged about anywhere between 25 and 45. Obviously, being 20 myself, I felt more comfortable with the guys who were 20something. Unfortunately the guy who had invited me to sit there didn't take that very well, he was 40 himself you see... So after a while he really started insulting me and I was getting kind of furious. I mean, I leave one bar, because I'm being insulted only to be insulted in the next bar too? You can imagine I didn't like it...
By then the bar was closed and we decided to go someplace else. Once on the street, Paul, the insulting one, took my hat from me, knowing it means a lot to me since it's a birthday present, and ran with it. I tried to take it back, but he wouldn't give it to me and when I fell down he didn't even stop but just kept going. Needless to say I wasn't planning on going anywhere with the guy. So me and an Irish fellow followed a couple of Belgian guys to a bar that was still open, losing the others quite purposely on the way.
The guy who did come with me was 42, but he hadn't given me a hard time at all, as he realised and accepted that I wasn't going to fall for him. In the bar I saw a guy who kind of pleased me. He was nice to look at and had piercings in his face, and I love piercings on a guy :) So I excused myself to Mickey and went over to the other one for conversation. I talked to him for a minute or so and went back to Mickey to dance, making sure the other guy could see me too.
As I was dancing I could see he liked what he saw, so I went over again and danced with him. I found out his name was Rudi, he had a tongue-piercing, one in his brow and one just under his mouth and a necklace with a reversed pentacle. Now I must say the necklace gave me a shock... You see, I'm a Wicca myself and a reversed pentacle is a sign for the satanic way of life. But for some reason the guy himself didn't scare me at all, actually I felt very at peace with him.
Mickey went home, or rather back to his hotel, and I stayed with my new favourite guy. When the bar closed there as well, we went to another bar with Rudi's best friend and had some fun there. We met another woman in that bar and left with her when it was time to leave. By that time it was past 7 am already, but we didn't feel like sleeping so we went to look for another place that would be open. We found several and hopped from cafe to cafe but in the end we went to a supermarket, bought some whine and went to Lily's apartment.
We enjoyed ourselves there for quite some time, but we were all tired and decided to rest a little bit. Rudi and I sat together and he put his legs over mine and my head on his chest. He fell asleep quite quick, but I was only dozing so when I heard my name I opened my eyes but I didn't make a sound. Turned out Didi, Rudi's best friend :P, said that I looked so happy, lying there. And for the first time in a long time I felt completely at ease and, for lack of a better word, happy. I didn't worry for a second if I was ever going to see the guy at all, or if whatever we had started that night would last. For the first time in my life I lived completely for the moment, and let me tell you: it felt good. But the time came for me to leave and I couldn't wake Rudi, no matter how hard I tried. So I slipped from underneath him kissed him one last time and left a note saying I had to leave and I couldn't get him to wake. I also told him to call me whenever if he wanted to.
He did call me, when he woke up. But just to ask how to get away from there since lily was asleep too. He said he'd be in touch, maybe he will. I'll let you know when he does :) But it's not important to me... If it's meant to be, we'll meet again, if it's not then I'm grateful for the moments we shared. I had forgotten what happiness feels like. So thanks Rudi, wherever you are now.
