I've read parts of my blog again.
Waauw, it's been quite a year in 2015.

So much things happened, so many ups and downs.
Absolutely some huge downs.
I didn't think I would overcome them. I didn't think I'd still be here!
I wouldn't have guessed I got things sorted out with my son. There were some few dark moments, that's for sure.
But hey, we're still here.

We did work things out. And we got very close again.
I'm glad I pushed through, even though some days, I was being pushed by others instead of doing much effort myself.
My son certainly did put on some effort.

I guess the big wake up call for him, was how his foster mom betrayed us.
And realising that I do do a lot of things for him, I'd go through fire for him.
Maybe he was testing me? To see how far I can be pushed and how much I was willing to do for him?
Dunno.
I'm just glad everything turned out fine, we got to sort some things out. We did have a couple of huge fights, to say the least haha.
The biggest turn around came around the holidays.
That did bring us closer together and the gap I felt was there before, is gone.
I can trust him again and it seems like he has faith in me again. The bond we once had, is back.

We had lovely holidays, christmass was really a time of joy, pleasure and happiness, filled with love and laughter.

Me and my mom, well, we got closer again as well.
Perhaps I just saw ghosts a couple of months ago?
I must admit, that october isn't exactly the best time of the year for me.
And this past october was just extremely hard. The things my ex did to me, my mom having her breast amputated and the fear of losing her, my brother dumping all those things from the past on me, the realisation that I will never be an auntie, because I'm still not a part of that side of the family and I'll never be.
The betrayal of some people I considered to be friends and all the things I did for them, but they would never do for me.
It was rough and I was pretty damn down.

Also, the miscommunication with childcare.
And all the misery that came with it, all the threats again.
Sure took away a lot of hope and faith from me.

In the meanwhile, so many things happened, as always. I do keep it intresting, right?

We've got another social worker from childcare, who will overlook things.
I sorted things out with my son's psychologist, although the meeting I had with her in december was hard. I left feeling pretty lousy.
The next day I had a meeting with the teamleader of childcare and that meeting was very relieving and gave me hope again.
He told me he'd give us another counselor, so that was good news to begin with and there is light at the end of the tunnel: the case can get closed! They are willing to let it all go and just let us be, have some faith in us. Finally!

Last monday we had a general meeting with all parties involved and it turned out fine. The new counselor is nice, in that way, she's professional, doesn't want to know everything, only needs to be contacted when it's really needed etc. We made good agreements, discussed the conditions etc.
It's looking good!

I found a new home for my birds.
When I started cleaning up, I got a bad inflammation again in my throat and ear and my tooth started to hurt again, very badly.
I didn't connect the dots at first, thought it was probably because I had been under a lot of pressure, didn't sleep to well etc.
The day before I went to visit them again, the pain was so bad I couldn't stand it anymore and made me a herbal treatment and flushed with whiskey too.
At night, the pain started to fade away and I woke up without pain.
But when I was there and had cuddled with my birds, the pain came back. I thought perhaps that was because I had to sit up a long time and my shoulder is still not healed either.
On the way home, I had to stop to take some pain meds and flush my mouth again.
When we came home, the pain started to fade away again and to my surprise, it didn't come back.
Even though we went out that night, having a drink and that means sitting up without a support to my back and neck and I also talked alot, thus my jaw was under pressure.
But, no pain, I mean, not the same pain I was having before.
Off course my back, neck, shoulder and pelvis always hurt, I'm used to that. Just no extra pain, no being in agony and feeling miserable beyond words.
I guess it must be the birds and their dust / feces / feathers are most likely to cause that pain.

I'm still not motivated to undergo an allergy test. A part of me just doesn't want to know, because I'd be devasted if it turns out most animals would make me feel miserable.
I cannot imagine a life without animals.
And I know some people will expect me to not make fuss out of allergies and keep on bringing myself into danger, because I'm such a big animal lover.

But honestly, with my medical condition, I cannot take that risk. If it turns out I do have major allergy problems caused by certain animals, I'll have to act on it and avoid it.

Anyways, I'm not going to ponder about that just yet.

Other then that, my ex brought us some more misery.
My fault off course.
I should have kept that chapter closed and I didn't. For some reason, I thought it would be alright to give him another chance. Again!
Yeah, I know, I'm stupid like that. I already had all the evidence plus experience to know nothing good would ever come out of this.
But do I ever listen to myself?
So, we kinda got back together. And I had high hopes.
Aaaaand... It didn't turn out fine, off course.
Well, in a way, it did, as I broke it off again and he made a mistake so big, he'll never win me over again. No matter what our shared history is, he took it too far.
Endangering my child, that's just not the way to my heart.
And again so many dissapointments in everything else.
I cannot do that anymore.
Enough is enough and I ain't going back to that. Done and over with and yes, I'm sticking with this.
I'm not even going to talk about what's who's fault and shit like that. I don't care anymore.
On top of that, there's just no more love in my heart for him, there where before I had always felt like I'd care for him on a certain level for the rest of my life.
That feeling just faded away. Well, fading is probably not the right description. It's more like, one day it was still there, the other it was just gone.
He's just another person and I don't care if he cares for me anymore or not.
That's a chapter in my life I'd like to close down.

He still wants to be back together.
That always seems to be the case whenever I'm not living my own life to the fullest, then he wants me.
But, I'm not giving in to that.
He can go fuck himself now.
And I am going to live my life to the fullest (as long as I don't get down again haha).

I'll have to find myself again (where am I? ).

But, you know, for the first time since we were together, I don't feel as if I cannot handle this life on my own.
I don't feel scared at night, I don't miss him at night, I don't feel the need to be around him. It's all gone.
I can do this!

Anyhow, I met someone else too.
I didn't expect that at all.
I mean, who'd want someone like me to begin with? If even he didn't want me, I'd never find someone willing to put up with me.
I don't have the looks, I don't have good health, don't have a job, I'm not the most positive person to walk this planet, I come with a child and a past too.

But... There is someone actually intrested in me.
To my surprise...

And he's nice, very nice. Good looking.
Loves the same music, likes the same artsy things, lives during the day, meaning he's got a job and doesn't want to be at home all day long sulking about whatever.
Someone who actually wants to do things.
Someone who has friends and a loving family. Someone who likes to go out, not just to a pub, but just go out, do things, have a good time.
Someone who eats more then just meat and bread and doesn't mind me being vegan either.
Someone dreaming of having a family of his own and actually wants to grow old with someone.
Not too materialistic, I mean, not anymore then I am. Off course he cares about his stuff, which is a good thing.
But he's not so materialistic that only his stuff matters and he only wants more and more and more.
He could easily live without and that's a good thing to know. I mean, he knows there are more important things in life, but you can enjoy what you buy yourself, what you have worked your ass off to be able to buy. That's a wonderful quality.

Anyways. We started talking online and didn't exactly stop talking.
And then we went on some sort of date (oh well, we agreed to meet at the pub, not exactly a real date).
So far, things are looking good.
I'm a bit afraid, off course.
I still have to sort everything out with my ex, making sure he gets the message it's really done.
It's going a bit fast.
But I don't mind.
I mean, I met someone wonderful, so I'm going all in for that.
And we'll see where that will take us.
As long as he doesn't start pushing me to move in as quickly as possible or go too fast too quickly, I'm willing to give this a shot.
It's nice to have someone around who actually likes you and wants to do things with you and isn't ashamed of being seen with you.
I'm not really used to these things.
We'll see where it goes.

Medically I should start making appointments, but I'm not really motivated, because I don't want to be confronted with my dissabilities.
But I recently had a letter concerning my job aplications activity, so I have to put in some effort.
My body is still not healed and never will, thus I have to make sure I don't get into trouble and lose my income.
I hoped I wouldn't have to deal with that any time soon, but the time has come to face this.
I have to start visiting doctors and specialists again and trying to get a good diagnosis or prognosis on paper that will help me to be secured from losing my income.
That means a lot of running around and listening to a lot of crap and insults from doctors.
Some things just have to be done!

On top of that, I have found a little lump in my breast as well and need to have that investigated.

Ah well, still a lot of things to do so it seems and still a lot of things going on in my life.

But, so far, this year started well.
I hope it will stay this way!

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