I never thought I'd return to this place. I swore I wouldn't return to
this place. It's still right how I left it, the cabin scorched and
uninhabitable from the fire I set. I had burned all my bridges. Following
the pathway I once created - many, many a time ago - I reach the
calming water clashing with the wooden dock. I had always loved this
part of the island. The beautiful cove that stretched a mile of land,
and the most beautiful beach that coated it. I noticed a fire burning at
the far leftmost end I could see, with a small cabin, much smaller than
the one we used to live in.
The rain starts pouring on my walk
towards the cabin, and the fire has long gone out. Soaking wet, I throw
my jacket against the logs on the floor. The warmth engulfs me, and I am
fast asleep. I dream of the days I spent here, of the years I spent
here, of the eternity. Before I know it, a voice penetrates the warmth,
my eyes open slowly, fighting against the light of the sun seeping
through the wooden logs that make up the walls of this cabin.
"Did you get some sleep?" The voice asked. "I could tell that you were tired." The sound of her voice immediately caused me to choke up, and before I could even utter a response, she continued, "You've changed a lot, I can see."
"I...I have missed you. So, so much." I said, with tears streaming down
my face. And as I turned towards the voice, there was nothing there but
the soft ember in the makeshift fireplace. But as I blinked and closed
my eyes, she spoke again. "I'm always here, you know that. All you
have to do is close your eyes and talk to me. And I'll listen. You know
this place is only meant to be a last resort." I knew that, I thought to myself. I couldn't say anything. My eyes were fixed on the ember in the fireplace.
"I
feel so alone, I feel so tired." I said softly. "I've been changing, I
look better, but I feel like complete garbage. My mind is on race
constantly. Thinking, shaping, wondering, haunting. I wonder why things
just can't be easy. I wonder why it always has to be hard for me.
Everything seems to work out for them, and never for me." As I close my
eyes, I feel her arm embrace me. "You're strong, and you're loved. By me, and by those around you." She speaks with the kindest and warm tone.
"You have to try to let go. Let go of the pain, and the struggle. Let
go of the bad images, and fill your heart with happiness. You've
changed, and you look amazing. It's all in your head, just let it go."
"I know it's all just in my head. I know it's all just a mental game.
But that doesn't make it any easier. I look into a mirror and hate what I
see. I look at myself as a person and feel unhappy. It's such a burden..."
"I've
met someone." I tell her, "She's amazing. She takes away all these
insecurities. She takes away all the vulnerability and replaces it with a
new one of her own. A warmth, a glow. I feel safe around her. It's addictive, when I'm
not around her, I want to be near her. I want to see her, feel her. I
want her to embrace me and tell me that she likes me." Before I can
continue she interrupts, "She sounds amazing," with a smile that makes
me feel proud and warm. "But for some reason, it just seems like it's
not meant to be. I want her to feel it's meant to be. I want her to feel
the warmth I feel when I see her. But I can't make that happen, there
is nothing that I can do to make that happen. And that hurts, more than
anything in the world." I feel her take my hand and she says "Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss; but every
once in a while, you find someone who's iridescent, and once you do, nothing will ever compare. Do you really like her?" "More than anything." I say firmly. "Then you should go for her, go after her, and do what your heart tells you."
The light of day has gone, the warmth of the embers has faded. I sit alone in a room with my thoughts. Her voice sounds "Maybe it's time for you to go again. You shouldn't stay here for so long, you're doing great." "For the first time, I think I agree. For the first time I've wanted to leave this place." "It will always be here, I will always be here. Whenever you need that little something more." I turn my head and want to hug her, but she's not there. And as I turn my head the other way, the dimly lit room is fades into a bright well lit living room. And I hear myself say "Close your eyes. Maybe all you need, is to stop thinking so much. Maybe you have to just let go." And as I feel her hand clench onto my chest, we kiss. All of my insecurities are lifted, she replaces all of it with her person.
And when we sleep at night I hope that we write novels in our heads of what to tell the other when we wake. And when morning comes before were done with volumes left to chose lets say I love you.. Just I love you. I love you. and I love you too.
