i can't even begin to explain the dynamic of my family.
I often wonder, if there are people out there that endure the same things I do, on a daily basis even if silently. They often say you can't miss what you never had, yet I beg to differ. You see, i may not know what it means to have a warm loving family that stick together through thick and thin, that provides for one another, takes care of eachother. Doensn't gossip, envy, manipulate, and hurt intentionally, but that doesn't mean I don't know what my heart desires.
Being a mother myself, I often question myself with what I do. I know for a fact I am failing my children in ways they'll later on think to themselves "I won't do it that way" and create their own path as they go. Which is fine, nobody is perfect and I never claimed to be. Yet reflecting on yourself allows you to grow, see mistakes you can adjust, things you have to accept, and it makes it so you teach your children even adults don't always have the answers. My children have gotten apolagy' s from me for things they didn't deserve. I may have yelled when I had a bad day, lost my temper when they needed my comfort..... yet I show them even we need to say we're sorry, that way they'll learn to say sorry.
Yet the dynamic in my family doesn't work that way, in fact I don't know what the hell the dynamic is, but it's not a good one. It's not that i'm saying that I never had any good times growing up. But that's what it pretty much was, "good times" I never felt the comfort of knowing that love was unconditional. In fact, in my family love is very conditional. I never had a mother, holding my hand, telling me she didn't know how to make it better, but she would be there with me every step of the way. My mother was the "victim" kind. When a pedophile (from who she knew was one) got his hands on me, rather than being there for me, she didn't want to hear about it because SHE couldn't handle it. It's funny how some people can't handle things while it's not even them that have to handle "it".
I have learned at a very young age that blood doesn't mean a damn thing. If anything it's a weapon, leverage used to guilt trip you into a feel of obligation. It gives people a free pass to treating you like shit, and you have to take it because hey, it's family and in the end they have your back right?
No....not right, not even a little.
Let me tell you now that it doesn't have to be that way. There are things out there bigger and stronger than "blood". And just because someone is your mother, your sister, your aunt or whatever doesn't give them the right to treat you as they please and then make you believe you deserved it in the first place.
You'll spot if you have those kinds of family members if they always talk about THEIR problems, never ask about you and when they do don't even process they answer. If they only come round when they can use you (playing driver for them, being their ATM, being their therapist etc) these are the kinds of people that don't invest in you, they are takers....they take and they take and they take and if thet can backstab you to gain status in someone else's eyes, they will.
And that's a sad lesson I wish to teach my children AND spread on the internet for those very few reading this.....
Proverbs 17:17 says "A true friend shows love at all times, and is a brother who is born for times of distress"
Even the bible shows that a true friend, can at one point become someone who is as a brother, specially for times of distress.....You see, true friends will tell you what you need to hear, to your face, and not what you want to hear. They will love you at all times, never sell you out, and can at one point become your closest friend, closer than any relative you have.....
I figured as much that with my luck this is the family I was given....but i'll be damned if its the one i'm stuck with....
You know there's only a few people I know who's brain seems to be wired the same way mine is.
Looking at the world everything seems so backwards and everything we strife for seems like we're trying to catch wind. Because that's exactly what it is isn't it? We entered this world with nothing and will leave it with nothing.... no matter how you lived your life. The only difference might be that when you came into this world there was no reputation as to when you die, and you're lucky you might hold a good reputation with God. And that ofcourse just for those who wish to believe He exists. But the sad truth remains that no matter how our life is spend, we all head for the same inevitable ending of the unknown dark abyss of which there is no return and your existence here would have been nothing more than a soft whisper through the decades, and long forgotten when your great grandchild goes to lay itself to rest.....
I know it may seem harsh but there's no other way to put it when there's so much unnessecary crap around the world.
I mean come on people?? What are we doing??? Do you really think the fancy house , the cars, the perfect body and big bank account its going to make you happier or outlive those who live with less? Your destination is just as surtain as anyone else, that one day you too will die......
But I really do seem to be one in a few who seems to be fully aware of her mortality on a daily basis....I've been that way since I was a kid. As early as 6 years old, sitting on a bench in the playground while my siblings were playing. I stared at the sky, watching the trees being moved back and forth by the win, birds building their nests and the sunshine on my face. I knew, right here and then, SOON that moment would be a memory, and I knew that one day I too had to die.....
I weeped, I cried, I pleaded and I begged.....promised I would do anything, whatever it was, just to not let me die.
I got angry, refused to believe I had to die and made my own realities of it all....where I would go after death....I pretty much went through all the stages of grief over my own mortality....and have now made the deal with myself to not panic until I am 60.
If nothing has happened by then, if the world hasn't changed or God hasn't done anything by then, I can panic all over again.
But when I look at my children now, being the age I remember I was like it was yesterday, and I see how beautiful they are, and how they embrace life....I see that they are to perfectly designed to having the sole purpose of growing old and dying too....it's unnatural and even though I may not have all the answers.....I now perfection is never created just to terminate it.....
That silver lining being said, we still have to suffer our way through this thing we call life....dragging our baggage wherever we go.....life is already hard enough as is, do we really have to make it harder on ourselves and others?
When you feel like you want more, close your eyes and think..... "I too will die"
And who knows you might start living with your both feet on the ground, being a bit nicer to thy "neighbore" because he too will die one day.......
I guess going insane in the end isn't so bad, when i'm gone, I won't realize my time is up....
But with my luck.......I'll be demented and trapped inside having nothing but time to count every second on the clock.....
You know i don't go by a lot of golden rules, but I believe in one.
If you don't know who the outcast is in your family, you're it !
Think about it, you try to be a decent human being, you try to get along without denying who you really are, and are always prepared to find the middle ground. So ofcourse when you start looking for that one family member that doesn't belong, and you can't think of one single person, news is....you are the unwanted.
Now you know this bit of information I strongly suggest you hold your shoulders high and your chin up and be proud of the fact that you pissed off people so much so with your personal success with which they reflect themselves to, to have come to despise you enough to fade you out! I know how your reasoning will go, you're a humble person and you figure that whatever studies you did, they can do too. Or whatever job you landed, given the right studies they could too. However much weight you lost, they could too, whichever clothes you bought, they could too. The key to a happy life is to never give up bettering yourself in any field. If you want to learn, LEARN! If you want to lose weight, LOSE WEIGHT ! If you are unhappy with your job and you want a new one, GO FOR IT. But all of course with some sense in your head, moderation and not without taking care of your obligations. If you respect your own boundries due to the fact that you bought a house or a car, or are the sole provider for your family, you can still expand your horizon and better yourself.
So, you think, if I can, they can to! Right?
WRONG !
They won't, because they don't want to, they are perfectly happy with the lives they have, just as long as they don't encounter with anybody that has it better than they do. When they do come across someone that has it better than them (never mind the hard work they put into it) they will put that person under a magnifying glass and disect it bit by bit.....every figuratively peace presented as a poisseness lash of the tongue, one comment after the other as to WHY this person should NOT be intimidating to them at all even though it totally is. And why?
Because they feel insulted by the fact that once you had the same lifestyle as they have (probably growing up when lifestyle wasn't a personal choice) and at one point you decided for yourself, I want more. Now with this deciding in you want more, you didn't mean that whatever choices they make are beneath you, you are simply stating that you see it different. But that's not how they see it. They see it as a direct attack on the person they are and the life they live.
In the beginning you let yourself be dragged into one fight after another, and then in time you start accepting that its not worth it so you don't indulge them anymore. You try to be happy with the very simplicity we find in just loving the ones in your household, your husband, you children. Despite of believing in a creator, which I do, the life we got is still a gift and no matter the destination we are headed for we ought to be grateful for the here and now that we can create.
But they don't see it that way, you are the weird one, the crazy one, the "other" one and after a while you will notice that whenever the family speaks about "everybody" being together, it means everybody but YOU.
This is what my niece told me (don't worry, she's cool, she's an outcast like me) you shouldn't want to be associated with these people. And that is very true, why would you want to be part of anyone's lives that thrive under vanity, fake emotions......being friendly in the face and a bitch behind the back? Because that's also why, even if you wanted to, you couldn't fit in. You don't do fake.
That doesn't mean you're a mean bitch telling people off all the time, but you do call bullshit when you see it. And THAT is what sets you apart from them. You simply just don't do fake.
And hold on to that, it means that you'll end up having at least 1 person in your life, but that ONE person is TRUE. No gossiping behind your back, no judgment....just someone true and reliable....and if you're really lucky you'll have maybe 2 or 3 people like that in your life. That's a deal i'd take any day, because I rather have 3 real people in my life rather than 500 fake ones.
The only set back might be that you'll find that everybody's invited, except you.......
And with my luck.....I'll go insane, and forget the rationality of it all, and pine for their attention like puppy begging for a bone.
My mild obsession with going insane doesn't just stern from the high , high, HIGH chance of me becoming insane because it's pretty much DNA embedded. No, it also comes from the ignorance I see in, well, other family members.
Now, it might seem hard bashing on my family the way I (will) do in this blog, but bare with me and trust in my word when I say, they deserve it. I'm not a judgmental person, ok I am, BUT I am the correcting one at that. First impulses you can't change, you just can't. You see someone or hear someone and with that first micro second you have already judged that person. Instead of leaving it at that though, i correct myself, delete the thoughts I had and start over new. And even if the second impression proved exactly the same as my first thought I don't (!!) bash those people because they haven't done anything to me personally. And even if they did I'm sure it wasn't intended. And even if it was, chances are that there's a 99,99% marge I won't have to see those people ever again. (Although I do tend to attract asshole bitchy people)
However, my family deserves my bashing !!!!!!!! (and still I end up feeling guilty, whats up with that?)
So to get back to my point....their intelligence or lack there of makes me self reflect a lot.
You see, we're all chubby women, me and my sister, although I have the different built. Where they all have thinner legs and I have the juicy ones with a matching butt, they have the round upper bodies, no waisteline and I have an almost hourshaped upper body.
ANYWAYS, so all chubby, there is STILL a comparing in the level of chubby and who outbeats who in being the "thinnest" chubby person. Now me personally try not to be bothered by it because its pretty much comparing pears with apples (get it?)
But still i'm being sucked in to the little competition of who's the thinnest fat person (what a price)
Also thank to facebook there's a high difference between a facebook profile picture and how you look in real life....
You see in their facebook profile pictures, my sisters look like hotties. They will show you an amazingly perfectly (photoshopped) picture from the neck up, duckfacing their lips into whatever weird shape they can opening their eyes to the camera so much they look like they might be manic and *click* facebook picture.
Now I also have facebook profile picture from the neck up in which I do look pretty skinny compared to the rest of my body, BUT I just have a skinny face for a chubby person, it's not like i'm doing it on purpose. And also I don't shun real life pictures of myself either on facebook, i'm fully aware of what I look like.
But my sisters put out such unrealistic pictures of themselves that it has happened that people that they have as friends on facebook, just pass them by on the street because they didn't know it was them. (enough said)
Now the reason why I bring up this hole facebook picture thing into my "obsession" blog, is because it's one of the MANY examples that my sisters do in life that portrays complete ignorance. I challenge you to try telling them their facebook picture doesn't really look like them. They will look at you like you aren't from this planet. Also ONE of my sisters believes her own realities....she's someone that hangs up an alternative reality and truly believes that one....and you know what THAT scares the crap out of me.
Because mental illnesses run in the family, one sister is a hypochondriac , the other one a compulsive liar, my mother is like batshit crazy, so dare I be SO arrogant about myself to think I'm fine ???
It has dawned on me ...thinking "What if I'm living in my own truth?" "What if I'm batshit crazy?" Because if you're crazy , you don't know you're crazy (yeah you too could be crazy, and not the funny kind of crazy) So what if all the arguments I have with my husband are all MY fault and my alternative reality has me believe I'm communicating with him just fine???? (I won't tell him this though because he has played the "you're insane" card, not cool people, not cool)
What if my facebook profile picture isn't exactly what I look like and I actually THINK that's what I look like? And what if the rest of my full body pictures aren't exactly what I really look like?
What if I'm really just as ignorance as they are.....and I'm just living in denial???
I'm sure you know what's next.....
With my luck.....I probably AM living in my own little reality .......
As I have mentioned in my previous message there are things that i wouldn't mind forgetting.
Though some very dark and saddening , i will talk about one "lighter" issue that really drives up my anxiety.
Facebook....
Even though I use facebook (so I'm not an anti-facebook) I find myself more and more being bothered by facebook and how
I use is. Or should I say the way I use it and the way people expect me to use it. You see, facebook is supposed to enrich our lives, to creat social bonding for which you may not have time any other day. It's supposed to be an add on to your already social life in the real world.
You should be free to add whomever you want, and deny whomever you want. Right?
WRONG !
Socially you are expected to add
1. Close family
2. Distant family
3. Friends who are like family
4. Best friends
5. Friends
6. People that used to be friends
7. Aqquantences or however the freakin word is spelled (not native english people)
8. And then the rest of the people that are not in this list
The only people that are okay to deny on facebook are people you don't know.
I'm sure most of you with a happy warm family and friendscircle don't see the problem with my list. But....what if your family are horrible, judgemental gossiping people that want to know everything about everybody all the time? And what if that family treats you like crap neglecting you in "the real world" even though they live 5 minutes away, don't invite you to anything UNLESS they need YOU to pay or they need YOUR big car? What if they want nothing to do with you, blame you for all the wrong in the world and gossip about your degree, you job, your salary, your husband, your kids, your upbringing, about your weight (gain weight you're fat, lose weight you're probably anorexic) etc etc etc And what if THOSE family members are on YOUR facebook. Neglecting your posts, your pictures, OR use your pictures to share them with people you don't want them to share them with????
You CAN'T kick them off, you just can't. So, you hide your albums, your statuses, pretty much everything to add them on the restricted list, but hey you still have them on facebook. Good?
NO !
See even though these people NEVER interact with you (unless they need something from you) they WILL contact you in private message.... no hey, hi, hello....no no no ;...their message says
"Why can't I see anything on facebook anymore??!!"
So you explain to them your beef with facebook, how you feel your pictures aren't safe, and you're not on it for to much anyways (which is true) and you don't like the fact that facebook grands you no privacy (which is true) and you tell them that you hid the albums and are going to take the pictures off and actually scrapbook them (which is true) and you didn't think it would be a problem because they're never active on your page anyways (which is true) you only get an "hmm, K" back as an answer.
And not even 5 minutes later your other sister (yes we're talking sisters here) sends you a message asking the same thing and after you exact same answer your other sister comes and asks the same....damn ....question.....
All I can think is , if you are all chatting about my scandalous hidden facebook anyways, why can't one deliver the message to the rest of them?????
I'm 28 and I have to explain myself for the stuff I do on MY facebook and I CAN'T delete them !!!!!! socially I'm expected to have them on (no i'm not I hear some say) YES I DO..... It is LESS anxiety for me to apeace them and have them on, than dealing with them when I don't have them on......
SO...I guess what i'm saying is, that when I go insane, these are the memories, the stress and the stomach pains I won't miss. I'm happy losing these memories.
But with my luck, these memories will be the ones I'll hang on to untill I die.....angrily thinking......
With my luck, if i'm going insane, I'll be going insane "good" and fast.
So , while awaiting of that time, I will leave evidence, proof of my once "healthy" brain.
Proof that i was once fully here.
Not really knowing who this evidence is for I do realize at the age of 25 (+3) that i have a lot to forget.
At first i think to myself, this is great, i can start forgetting all the horrible stuff that has happened to me so far!
Good job brain ! Then I think of all the things i shouldn't forget, like shady, mean people, and the reason why they are
no longer part of my life. What if I forget that and because of that allow them back into my life? ...less enthousiastic it'll sound
like....good job brain.
Then the really scary thought emerge... What if my brain forget the things I would never want to forget. My precious children, my husband, all the fun times we had.....very sarcastic and bitter now.....good ...job....brain....
And again....with my luck....it'll be that last one.
They always say history repeats itself...Although I'm not sure who "they" are.....but with my luck.....history WILL repeat itself with a vengeance .... You see my grandmother is a mentally ill person.....then there's my mother whom is mentally ill too but worse off....so what does this mean for me? Of course you know as well as I do it means what it means !!!!!
It's also very interesting/sad to know that the path to insanity is a very dark and lonely one.
Try talking to someone you feel like your head isn't working right, and they'll give you THE advice, "just have yourself checked"
JUST have yourself checked. There's nothing JUST about JUST. Yes while getting checked will result into knowing what your medical condition is, it wont take away the fact that you are LOSING YOUR MIND ! It confirms it so where do you go from there?? At least when you don't have it "just checked" it stays in between. Its not officially there. Not really.
So you go down that path in silence, hoping nobody will notice your glitching in memories, vague about conversations.....missing info or never ending debates on where you left something (no I you didn't leave it there, but you can't remember for sure) and you suffer in silence when you cry at night because your head felt so off again that day .....
