that's all for today =)

Looking at the world everything seems so backwards and everything we strife for seems like we're trying to catch wind. Because that's exactly what it is isn't it? We entered this world with nothing and will leave it with nothing.... no matter how you lived your life. The only difference might be that when you came into this world there was no reputation as to when you die, and you're lucky you might hold a good reputation with God. And that ofcourse just for those who wish to believe He exists. But the sad truth remains that no matter how our life is spend, we all head for the same inevitable ending of the unknown dark abyss of which there is no return and your existence here would have been nothing more than a soft whisper through the decades, and long forgotten when your great grandchild goes to lay itself to rest.....

I know it may seem harsh but there's no other way to put it when there's so much unnessecary crap around the world.

I mean come on people?? What are we doing??? Do you really think the fancy house , the cars, the perfect body and big bank account its going to make you happier or outlive those who live with less? Your destination is just as surtain as anyone else, that one day you too will die......

But I really do seem to be one in a few who seems to be fully aware of her mortality on a daily basis....I've been that way since I was a kid. As early as 6 years old, sitting on a bench in the playground while my siblings were playing. I stared at the sky, watching the trees being moved back and forth by the win, birds building their nests and the sunshine on my face. I knew, right here and then, SOON that moment would be a memory, and I knew that one day I too had to die.....

I weeped, I cried, I pleaded and I begged.....promised I would do anything, whatever it was, just to not let me die. 

I got angry, refused to believe I had to die and made my own realities of it all....where I would go after death....I pretty much went through all the stages of grief over my own mortality....and have now made the deal with myself to not panic until I am 60.

If nothing has happened by then, if the world hasn't changed or God hasn't done anything by then, I can panic all over again.

But when I look at my children now, being the age I remember I was like it was yesterday, and I see how beautiful they are, and how they embrace life....I see that they are to perfectly designed to having the sole purpose of growing old and dying too....it's unnatural and even though I may not have all the answers.....I now perfection is never created just to terminate it.....

That silver lining being said, we still have to suffer our way through this thing we call life....dragging our baggage wherever we go.....life is already hard enough as is, do we really have to make it harder on ourselves and others?

When you feel like you want more, close your eyes and think..... "I too will die"

And who knows you might start living with your both feet on the ground, being a bit nicer to thy "neighbore" because he too will die one day.......

I guess going insane in the end isn't so bad, when i'm gone, I won't realize my time is up....

But with my luck.......I'll be demented and trapped inside having nothing but time to count every second on the clock.....

*Tick tock* 

You know i don't go by a lot of golden rules, but I believe in one. 

If you don't know who the outcast is in your family, you're it !

Think about it, you try to be a decent human being, you try to get along without denying who you really are, and are always prepared to find the middle ground. So ofcourse when you start looking for that one family member that doesn't belong, and you can't think of one single person, news is....you are the unwanted. 

Now you know this bit of information I strongly suggest you hold your shoulders high and your chin up and be proud of the fact that you pissed off people so much so with your personal success with which they reflect themselves to, to have come to despise you enough to fade you out! I know how your reasoning will go, you're a humble person and you figure that whatever studies you did, they can do too. Or whatever job you landed, given the right studies they could too. However much weight you lost, they could too, whichever clothes you bought, they could too. The key to a happy life is to never give up bettering yourself in any field. If you want to learn, LEARN! If you want to lose weight, LOSE WEIGHT ! If you are unhappy with your job and you want a new one, GO FOR IT. But all of course with some sense in your head, moderation and not without taking care of your obligations. If you respect your own boundries due to the fact that you bought a house or a car, or are the sole provider for your family, you can still expand your horizon and better yourself.

So, you think, if I can, they can to! Right?

WRONG !

They won't, because they don't want to, they are perfectly happy with the lives they have, just as long as they don't encounter with anybody that has it better than they do. When they do come across someone that has it better than them (never mind the hard work they put into it) they will put that person under a magnifying glass and disect it bit by bit.....every figuratively peace presented as a poisseness lash of the tongue, one comment after the other as to WHY this person should NOT be intimidating to them at all even though it totally is. And why? 

Because they feel insulted by the fact that once you had the same lifestyle as they have (probably growing up when lifestyle wasn't a personal choice) and at one point you decided for yourself, I want more. Now with this deciding in you want more, you didn't mean that whatever choices they make are beneath you, you are simply stating that you see it different. But that's not how they see it. They see it as a direct attack on the person they are and the life they live.

In the beginning you let yourself be dragged into one fight after another, and then in time you start accepting that its not worth it so you don't indulge them anymore. You try to be happy with the very simplicity we find in just loving the ones in your household, your husband, you children. Despite of believing in a creator, which I do, the life we got is still a gift and no matter the destination we are headed for we ought to be grateful for the here and now that we can create. 

But they don't see it that way, you are the weird one, the crazy one, the "other" one and after a while you will notice that whenever the family speaks about "everybody" being together, it means everybody but YOU. 

This is what my niece told me (don't worry, she's cool, she's an outcast like me) you shouldn't want to be associated with these people. And that is very true, why would you want to be part of anyone's lives that thrive under vanity, fake emotions......being friendly in the face and a bitch behind the back? Because that's also why, even if you wanted to, you couldn't fit in. You don't do fake.

That doesn't mean you're a mean bitch telling people off all the time, but you do call bullshit when you see it. And THAT is what sets you apart from them. You simply just don't do fake.

And hold on to that, it means that you'll end up having at least 1 person in your life, but that ONE person is TRUE. No gossiping behind your back, no judgment....just someone true and reliable....and if you're really lucky you'll have maybe 2 or 3 people like that in your life. That's a deal i'd take any day, because I rather have 3 real people in my life rather than 500 fake ones.

The only set back might be that you'll find that everybody's invited, except you.......

And with my luck.....I'll go insane, and forget the rationality of it all, and pine for their attention like puppy begging for a bone.

My mild obsession with going insane doesn't just stern from the high , high, HIGH chance of me becoming insane because it's pretty much DNA embedded. No, it also comes from the ignorance I see in, well, other family members.

Now, it might seem hard bashing on my family the way I (will) do in this blog, but bare with me and trust in my word when I say, they deserve it. I'm not a judgmental person, ok I am, BUT I am the correcting one at that. First impulses you can't change, you just can't. You see someone or hear someone and with that first micro second you have already judged that person. Instead of leaving it at that though, i correct myself, delete the thoughts I had and start over new. And even if the second impression proved exactly the same as my first thought I don't (!!) bash those people because they haven't done anything to me personally. And even if they did I'm sure it wasn't intended. And even if it was, chances are that there's a 99,99% marge I won't have to see those people ever again. (Although I do tend to attract asshole bitchy people)

However, my family deserves my bashing !!!!!!!! (and still I end up feeling guilty, whats up with that?)

So to get back to my point....their intelligence or lack there of makes me self reflect a lot.

You see, we're all chubby women, me and my sister, although I have the different built. Where they all have thinner legs and I have the juicy ones with a matching butt, they have the round upper bodies, no waisteline and I have an almost hourshaped upper body.

ANYWAYS, so all chubby, there is STILL a comparing in the level of chubby and who outbeats who in being the "thinnest" chubby person. Now me personally try not to be bothered by it because its pretty much comparing pears with apples (get it?)

But still i'm being sucked in to the little competition of who's the thinnest fat person (what a price)

Also thank to facebook there's a high difference between a facebook profile picture and how you look in real life....

You see in their facebook profile pictures, my sisters look like hotties. They will show you an amazingly perfectly (photoshopped) picture from the neck up, duckfacing their lips into whatever weird shape they can opening their eyes to the camera so much they look like they might be manic and *click* facebook picture. 

Now I also have facebook profile picture from the neck up in which I do look pretty skinny compared to the rest of my body, BUT I just have a skinny face for a chubby person, it's not like i'm doing it on purpose. And also I don't shun real life pictures of myself either on facebook, i'm fully aware of what I look like.

But my sisters put out such unrealistic pictures of themselves that it has happened that people that they have as friends on facebook, just pass them by on the street because they didn't know it was them. (enough said)

Now the reason why I bring up this hole facebook picture thing into my "obsession" blog, is because it's one of the MANY examples that my sisters do in life that portrays complete ignorance. I challenge you to try telling them their facebook picture doesn't really look like them. They will look at you like you aren't from this planet. Also ONE of my sisters believes her own realities....she's someone that hangs up an alternative reality and truly believes that one....and you know what THAT scares the crap out of me. 

Because mental illnesses run in the family, one sister is a hypochondriac , the other one a compulsive liar, my mother is like batshit crazy, so dare I be SO arrogant about myself to think I'm fine ???

It has dawned on me ...thinking "What if I'm living in my own truth?"  "What if I'm batshit crazy?" Because if you're crazy , you don't know you're crazy (yeah you too could be crazy, and not the funny kind of crazy) So what if all the arguments I have with my husband are all MY fault and my alternative reality has me believe I'm communicating with him just fine???? (I won't tell him this though because he has played the "you're insane" card, not cool people, not cool)

What if my facebook profile picture isn't exactly what I look like and I actually THINK that's what I look like? And what if the rest of my full body pictures aren't exactly what I really look like?

What if I'm really just as ignorance as they are.....and I'm just living in denial???

I'm sure you know what's next.....

With my luck.....I probably AM living in my own little reality .......