My mild obsession with going insane doesn't just stern from the high , high, HIGH chance of me becoming insane because it's pretty much DNA embedded. No, it also comes from the ignorance I see in, well, other family members.

Now, it might seem hard bashing on my family the way I (will) do in this blog, but bare with me and trust in my word when I say, they deserve it. I'm not a judgmental person, ok I am, BUT I am the correcting one at that. First impulses you can't change, you just can't. You see someone or hear someone and with that first micro second you have already judged that person. Instead of leaving it at that though, i correct myself, delete the thoughts I had and start over new. And even if the second impression proved exactly the same as my first thought I don't (!!) bash those people because they haven't done anything to me personally. And even if they did I'm sure it wasn't intended. And even if it was, chances are that there's a 99,99% marge I won't have to see those people ever again. (Although I do tend to attract asshole bitchy people)

However, my family deserves my bashing !!!!!!!! (and still I end up feeling guilty, whats up with that?)

So to get back to my point....their intelligence or lack there of makes me self reflect a lot.

You see, we're all chubby women, me and my sister, although I have the different built. Where they all have thinner legs and I have the juicy ones with a matching butt, they have the round upper bodies, no waisteline and I have an almost hourshaped upper body.

ANYWAYS, so all chubby, there is STILL a comparing in the level of chubby and who outbeats who in being the "thinnest" chubby person. Now me personally try not to be bothered by it because its pretty much comparing pears with apples (get it?)

But still i'm being sucked in to the little competition of who's the thinnest fat person (what a price)

Also thank to facebook there's a high difference between a facebook profile picture and how you look in real life....

You see in their facebook profile pictures, my sisters look like hotties. They will show you an amazingly perfectly (photoshopped) picture from the neck up, duckfacing their lips into whatever weird shape they can opening their eyes to the camera so much they look like they might be manic and *click* facebook picture. 

Now I also have facebook profile picture from the neck up in which I do look pretty skinny compared to the rest of my body, BUT I just have a skinny face for a chubby person, it's not like i'm doing it on purpose. And also I don't shun real life pictures of myself either on facebook, i'm fully aware of what I look like.

But my sisters put out such unrealistic pictures of themselves that it has happened that people that they have as friends on facebook, just pass them by on the street because they didn't know it was them. (enough said)

Now the reason why I bring up this hole facebook picture thing into my "obsession" blog, is because it's one of the MANY examples that my sisters do in life that portrays complete ignorance. I challenge you to try telling them their facebook picture doesn't really look like them. They will look at you like you aren't from this planet. Also ONE of my sisters believes her own realities....she's someone that hangs up an alternative reality and truly believes that one....and you know what THAT scares the crap out of me. 

Because mental illnesses run in the family, one sister is a hypochondriac , the other one a compulsive liar, my mother is like batshit crazy, so dare I be SO arrogant about myself to think I'm fine ???

It has dawned on me ...thinking "What if I'm living in my own truth?"  "What if I'm batshit crazy?" Because if you're crazy , you don't know you're crazy (yeah you too could be crazy, and not the funny kind of crazy) So what if all the arguments I have with my husband are all MY fault and my alternative reality has me believe I'm communicating with him just fine???? (I won't tell him this though because he has played the "you're insane" card, not cool people, not cool)

What if my facebook profile picture isn't exactly what I look like and I actually THINK that's what I look like? And what if the rest of my full body pictures aren't exactly what I really look like?

What if I'm really just as ignorance as they are.....and I'm just living in denial???

I'm sure you know what's next.....

With my luck.....I probably AM living in my own little reality .......

Though some very dark and saddening , i will talk about one "lighter" issue that really drives up my anxiety. 

Facebook....

Even though I use facebook (so I'm not an anti-facebook) I find myself more and more being bothered by facebook and how

I use is. Or should I say the way I use it and the way people expect me to use it. You see, facebook is supposed to enrich our lives, to creat social bonding for which you may not have time any other day. It's supposed to be an add on to your already social life in the real world.

You should be free to add whomever you want, and deny whomever you want. Right? 

WRONG !

Socially you are expected to add 

1. Close family

2. Distant family

3. Friends who are like family

4. Best friends

5. Friends

6. People that used to be friends

7. Aqquantences or however the freakin word is spelled (not native english people)

8. And then the rest of the people that are not in this list

The only people that are okay to deny on facebook are people you don't know.

I'm sure most of you with a happy warm family and friendscircle don't see the problem with my list. But....what if your family are horrible, judgemental gossiping people that want to know everything about everybody all the time? And what if that family treats you like crap neglecting you in "the real world" even though they live 5 minutes away, don't invite you to anything UNLESS they need YOU to pay or they need YOUR big car? What if they want nothing to do with you, blame you for all the wrong in the world and gossip about your degree, you job, your salary, your husband, your kids, your upbringing, about your weight (gain weight you're fat, lose weight you're probably anorexic) etc etc etc And what if THOSE family members are on YOUR facebook. Neglecting your posts, your pictures, OR use your pictures to share them with people you don't want them to share them with????

You CAN'T kick them off, you just can't. So, you hide your albums, your statuses, pretty much everything to add them on the restricted list, but hey you still have them on facebook. Good? 

NO !

See even though these people NEVER interact with you (unless they need something from you) they WILL contact you in private message.... no hey, hi, hello....no no no ;...their message says 

"Why can't I see anything on facebook anymore??!!"

So you explain to them your beef with facebook, how you feel your pictures aren't safe, and you're not on it for to much anyways (which is true) and you don't like the fact that facebook grands you no privacy (which is true) and you tell them that you hid the albums and are going to take the pictures off and actually scrapbook them (which is true) and you didn't think it would be a problem because they're never active on your page anyways (which is true) you only get an "hmm, K" back as an answer.

And not even 5 minutes later your other sister (yes we're talking sisters here) sends you a message asking the same thing and after you exact same answer your other sister comes and asks the same....damn ....question.....

All I can think is , if you are all chatting about my scandalous hidden facebook anyways, why can't one deliver the message to the rest of them?????

I'm 28 and I have to explain myself for the stuff I do on MY facebook and I CAN'T delete them !!!!!! socially I'm expected to have them on (no i'm not I hear some say) YES I DO..... It is LESS anxiety for me to apeace them and have them on, than dealing with them when I don't have them on......

SO...I guess what i'm saying is, that when I go insane, these are the memories, the stress and the stomach pains I won't miss. I'm happy losing these memories. 

But with my luck, these memories will be the ones I'll hang on to untill I die.....angrily thinking......

"Damn facebook"

With my luck, if i'm going insane, I'll be going insane "good" and fast.

So , while awaiting of that time, I will leave evidence, proof of my once "healthy" brain. 

Proof that i was once fully here.

Not really knowing who this evidence is for I do realize at the age of 25 (+3) that i have a lot to forget.

At first i think to myself, this is great, i can start forgetting all the horrible stuff that has happened to me so far!

Good job brain ! Then I think of all the things i shouldn't forget, like shady, mean people, and the reason why they are

no longer part of my life. What if I forget that and because of that allow them back into my life? ...less enthousiastic it'll sound

like....good job brain.

Then the really scary thought emerge... What if my brain forget the things I would never want to forget. My precious children, my husband, all the fun times we had.....very sarcastic and bitter now.....good ...job....brain....

And again....with my luck....it'll be that last one.

They always say history repeats itself...Although I'm not sure who "they" are.....but with my luck.....history WILL repeat itself with a vengeance .... You see my grandmother is a mentally ill person.....then there's my mother whom is mentally ill too but worse off....so what does this mean for me? Of course you know as well as I do it means what it means !!!!!

It's also very interesting/sad to know that the path to insanity is a very dark and lonely one.

Try talking to someone you feel like your head isn't working right, and they'll give you THE advice, "just have yourself checked"

JUST have yourself checked. There's nothing JUST about JUST. Yes while getting checked will result into knowing what your medical condition is, it wont take away the fact that you are LOSING YOUR MIND ! It confirms it so where do you go from there?? At least when you don't have it "just checked" it stays in between. Its not officially there. Not really.

So you go down that path in silence, hoping nobody will notice your glitching in memories, vague about conversations.....missing info or never ending debates on where you left something (no I  you didn't leave it there, but you can't remember for sure) and you suffer in silence when you cry at night because your head felt so off again that day .....

and with my luck, one day....my brain will say...

"I'm sorry, nobody is here anymore"