Questions and concerns Deze blog is gestart om me te helpen met de vele vragen die ik heb. De vele dingen waar ik mee zit. Om zo mijn leven wat meer kleur te geven ;-)
Ik ben nog niet zo thuis in het hele blog gebeuren dus veel spectaculairs zal er hier nog niet te zien zijn :-P
Maar met de tijd leer ik wel bij en zal ik proberen deze blog wat aangenamer te maken ;-)
06-01-2008
Alone
S wants to make me happy he says... Maybe he should think for himself if he really means that or not. Maybe he just thinks he needs me. I don't think he does... Everything I do or say to help is wrong, He gets angry for the least step I make. I don't even think he realizes how he reacts sometimes. How much he can hurt people. How many hearts he brakes. It's just who he is: he's a loner...only him and his puppylove count. There's no room in his life for a woman. Alright, he wants a woman badly enough, but only on his terms. Living together with someone seems impossible for him...someone living with him is barely alright. I have the feeling I'm living in his house, living in his life. It won't take long or I don't excist at all anymore. All my stuff has to go, all my habits have to go, all my ideas are thrown down the drain. Only his thoughts count, for he is almighty...he's always right...he knows everything best...he knows everything! Me...I don't know...what am I doing here really?
I won't say I've been a happy girl in the past...I just had my share of bad luck. But isn't it just normal that after so many troubled years, you just hope for better tidings to come? Why won't it happen for me? Why do I always come last? Should I stand up for myself? I don't know...I don't think it will make things better. Nobody notices me anyway. I used to be loved at work at least. I had fun with my colleagues...they respected and trusted me. Now it seems that even they are backing out on me. I can't blame them... I'm getting more and more introvert. Always silent, always wanting to dissapear. Who wants to hang out with a woman like that?
S says he loves me, that he can't live without me, that he wants to marry me.... But all that is just a lie and I think that deep down he knows. I can't marry a man who doesn't trust me, doesn't respect my thoughts and wishes... He wants everything to himself, his own life, can't share a thing. Why does he keep his password on the computer? Is it really necessary when you live with a woman you say you love, honour and respect more then anything? Why these secrets?
He wants to make me happy?? Maybe he just wants to be happy himself. But obviously I can't help him with that.
I so much want my life back. My own ideas, my own dreams, my own thoughts...I'm so willing to share them with a man in my life, but that man will have to be willing to do the same...and S will never be able to do that.
The New Year has begun...whishes? Dreams? Intentions? ....a lot, but who knows what the new year will bring. The few days at the beach where fine, not fabulous but just fine... Unfortunately, we haven't been spared from disasters but we managed...pretty well Thoughts have been running through my mind...S says he wants to make me happy but how can I make him see that it's difficult... a lot af things he sais and does...how can I make him see that it hurts? A few things I wish would change: 1) I wish....I just hope he wouldn't get so easily uptight when I say something...not everything I say is ment to hurt him (nothing actually) 2) Why does he always want to be right? Why can't he just accept that he's NOT always right! Why does he always think he knows best? Why can't he just accept that sometimes someone else (or me) have good ideas too? or sometimes just know better! 3) The dog...pfff... I think that's the worst problem of all EVERYTHING you say that concerns this dog makes S burst into fire!! His dog is GOLDEN to him. It's his most precious diamant. I'm sure that when I get an allergy from this dog, or he should get aggressive and bite me...I'll be the one to go!! Should I really get married to a guy who puts his dog in first place?? Pfff...don't feel like it Yesterday he began about the precious' puppy days...pff...as if I wanna hear! I know the dog can't help it but sometimes I wish he'd die! When I see S hugging and kissing him and calling him sweet names, I think about the puppy I could have had but never will now S sais he understands that I want a dog but he can't...he has his puppylove....that's all that matters! And his precious simply can't stand other dogs! ..... too bad!
EVERYTHING you say that concerns this dog makes S burst into fire!! His dog is GOLDEN to him. It's his most precious diamant. I'm sure that when I get an allergy from this dog, or he should get aggressive and bite me...I'll be the one to go!! 
