Questions and concerns Deze blog is gestart om me te helpen met de vele vragen die ik heb. De vele dingen waar ik mee zit. Om zo mijn leven wat meer kleur te geven ;-)
Ik ben nog niet zo thuis in het hele blog gebeuren dus veel spectaculairs zal er hier nog niet te zien zijn :-P
Maar met de tijd leer ik wel bij en zal ik proberen deze blog wat aangenamer te maken ;-)
10-01-2008
Better
I'm feeling a litlle bit better. Not much news at the moment. Tomorrow the house will be sold for good! No more misery of that!
Work is going great. Feeling good again. Lots to do and lots of appreciation from boss and collegues....does the trick any time
Love....can't really talk about that. I have no idea how I feel, how I should feel. The same really...hope it will change some day or that I can find a way I won't have to change anything about it
S wants to make me happy he says... Maybe he should think for himself if he really means that or not. Maybe he just thinks he needs me. I don't think he does... Everything I do or say to help is wrong, He gets angry for the least step I make. I don't even think he realizes how he reacts sometimes. How much he can hurt people. How many hearts he brakes. It's just who he is: he's a loner...only him and his puppylove count. There's no room in his life for a woman. Alright, he wants a woman badly enough, but only on his terms. Living together with someone seems impossible for him...someone living with him is barely alright. I have the feeling I'm living in his house, living in his life. It won't take long or I don't excist at all anymore. All my stuff has to go, all my habits have to go, all my ideas are thrown down the drain. Only his thoughts count, for he is almighty...he's always right...he knows everything best...he knows everything! Me...I don't know...what am I doing here really?
I won't say I've been a happy girl in the past...I just had my share of bad luck. But isn't it just normal that after so many troubled years, you just hope for better tidings to come? Why won't it happen for me? Why do I always come last? Should I stand up for myself? I don't know...I don't think it will make things better. Nobody notices me anyway. I used to be loved at work at least. I had fun with my colleagues...they respected and trusted me. Now it seems that even they are backing out on me. I can't blame them... I'm getting more and more introvert. Always silent, always wanting to dissapear. Who wants to hang out with a woman like that?
S says he loves me, that he can't live without me, that he wants to marry me.... But all that is just a lie and I think that deep down he knows. I can't marry a man who doesn't trust me, doesn't respect my thoughts and wishes... He wants everything to himself, his own life, can't share a thing. Why does he keep his password on the computer? Is it really necessary when you live with a woman you say you love, honour and respect more then anything? Why these secrets?
He wants to make me happy?? Maybe he just wants to be happy himself. But obviously I can't help him with that.
I so much want my life back. My own ideas, my own dreams, my own thoughts...I'm so willing to share them with a man in my life, but that man will have to be willing to do the same...and S will never be able to do that.
The New Year has begun...whishes? Dreams? Intentions? ....a lot, but who knows what the new year will bring. The few days at the beach where fine, not fabulous but just fine... Unfortunately, we haven't been spared from disasters but we managed...pretty well Thoughts have been running through my mind...S says he wants to make me happy but how can I make him see that it's difficult... a lot af things he sais and does...how can I make him see that it hurts? A few things I wish would change: 1) I wish....I just hope he wouldn't get so easily uptight when I say something...not everything I say is ment to hurt him (nothing actually) 2) Why does he always want to be right? Why can't he just accept that he's NOT always right! Why does he always think he knows best? Why can't he just accept that sometimes someone else (or me) have good ideas too? or sometimes just know better! 3) The dog...pfff... I think that's the worst problem of all EVERYTHING you say that concerns this dog makes S burst into fire!! His dog is GOLDEN to him. It's his most precious diamant. I'm sure that when I get an allergy from this dog, or he should get aggressive and bite me...I'll be the one to go!! Should I really get married to a guy who puts his dog in first place?? Pfff...don't feel like it Yesterday he began about the precious' puppy days...pff...as if I wanna hear! I know the dog can't help it but sometimes I wish he'd die! When I see S hugging and kissing him and calling him sweet names, I think about the puppy I could have had but never will now S sais he understands that I want a dog but he can't...he has his puppylove....that's all that matters! And his precious simply can't stand other dogs! ..... too bad!
The year is almost over. Tomorrow is my friends birthday. We're gonna leave for 2 days to the ocean. I thought it would be nice for him, that I'd do him a favor. But I get the feeling he'd rather stay home. Pff, why can't he ever enjoy my surprises? Why do I put so many time in trying to surprise him. I will be very glad if we can spend these few days without a fight...I wonder...
Finally! We moved into our new house! It hasn't gone without the necessary fights of cours Why do I always manage to pick out the most difficult guys in the world!? I know, you might get the impression I think highly of myself but there you're wrong... I'm definitely not the easiest person to live with, but the combination between our two caracters seems to be the perfect ingredients for a massive fireworks over and over again!
Yesterday, I had the time to read my old diary. I was shocked. So many depressions... Many times I wrote about the end, and killing myself. Where has my life lead to? What have I become? Why don't I feel better by now? It seems like I live from depression to depression. How long can I hold on to this? I read about Fred again. I even dreamed of him last night. Why have I never been able to forget about him? What has he done to me in the past? I still have that burning desire to see him onces more, to hear his voice one more time... Will I be waiting for that moment all my life? I hope not
Pfff, I tried to write off my frustration yesterday, but when my story was done, I pushed the wrong button and yes...you can already guess...everything gone So, I'll try again..
The day started great yesterday..Last day at work for the rest of the year (what matters for the rest ) I had my end-of-the-year evaluation with my boss. It was GREAT!! He's very satisfied with my work and even suggested if I would appreciate some work with more responsibility (smells like promotion ) He even suggested another office (lets say mine now is horrible!) So...OF COURSE!! We're gonna think about different possibilities and make decisions in January...What a way to start your vacation!
Well, when I went to look at the progress in our new home (some minor things had to be done. Call it the 'finishing touch') Phioew...I almost had a hart attack!! There was an enormous pool of water in the room where the heating is placed. It came dripping from the ceiling, nicely down the lighting!!! Called the owner...he was gonna send someone right a way to fix it.. Pff, what you can call fix it..you can't convince me that water didn't do any damage Today we went back and everything is fixed indeed. We talked about that damage and he agreed that we would never be held responsible for any future exposures of that damage. I'm curious..
So, with some delay...we can finaly start cleaning up the place and move in.. Everything is looking good so we can start dreaming of a Christmas atmosphere
The porn-issue is well out of our way and we finaly 'celebrated' that last night. Need I draw a picture? I'll leave it to your imagination
For the first time in 32 years I have the feeling that porn is no longer taboo for me And that happened in just 2 days!! Yesterday we had a very long and good conversation about everything that was on our minds. Miraculously, he had to admit that he would also be very hurt and feel very insecure if he'd find out I would have the need to look at naked man on +16 sites So, we both came to an understanding that there's nothing wrong with porn and we can both do with it what we want, but also being open about it. So no more taboo but experience it together! Hmmmm...this story might get a tail
So now a less hot item...baby's! That was another item on our discussion list. After realizing that there is a lot of love left between us, we both still feel the need to bless that love with a wonder of our own. As that is not so uncomplicated for us as it is for most couples , we decided to go through with the infertility program. We still have 5 tries left and we'll go for it...all the way!
Maybe, just maybe I found that inner peace I needed so much these last days, months, years,... I've asked myself millions of questions, I had many concerns....I had some answers and they helped me a bit. Maybe... Maybe I don't have that complete sence of serenity, deep inner peace with the issue so difficult for me to talk about. But maybe I can find it and do something with it. I hope so... The most imortant reason for this change of feeling is a blog I discovered last week. Intrigueing, passionate, mysterious in some ways, but most important...overloaded by love. Call it faith, call it coincidence, struck by chance, but this story, this blog was exactly what I needed to hear in my life. This person has, without knowing it, saved my inner soul. His story made me understand the difference between two people, and how they can survive by the force of love. He made me see that I can really accept the difference between my man and me. And how I can find peace in the things that are so difficult for me to understand. And for that I wish to thank him deeply, sincerely...Thank you!!
I have no idea what's happening to my life. These ups and downs are not bearable anymore. I'm going under Everything was looking so good with the moving to our new house...
All I want is respect for each other. And trust! And for now all that is gone. I have no idea how we can solve this. He thinks he didn't do anything wrong and that every man does this. But I find that very hard to believe
Why is life so complicated? The first icsi cycle was no succes. It was very hard for me but I have the feeling that my boyfriend doesn't really care. He says we have enough tries... Wel yeah....but isn't it normal that you're hoping it will work in as less tries as possible I think I couldn't handle so many dissapointments
Now we have to make another appointment in the hospital but he doesn't even ask about it. Doesn't he want to know if I'm ready for another try? Doesn't he want another try? I'm getting the impression that a child is no longer a wish of him Well, I'm not gonna ask anymore. Let's see when he starts the topic...
We're gonna move to the new house the 22nd of december. I'm looking forward to it. I hope it will improve our relationship. There's more space to be on your own from time to time. No more fungus everywhere, a bathroom where it doesn't rain in, a nice bath to relax very often and most important....FRESH AIR!!
Friday after work, I drove around to see if there were any houses for rent in the neighbourhood... There was one...a renovated farm... It was for rent or for sale. We both don't like the idea of renting something that could be sold while we live in it, I didn't pay much attention to it. I did tell my boyfriend but we never thought much of it.
The next morning we drove by the house... Now we saw that it were 2 houses. They were clearly still working hard on the renovation. We walked around and took a look inside. It looked very very nice so we wrote down the phone number so we could call for information. Suddenly the owner stopted...and we could take a look inside the 2 houses
So, he was going to rent one, and sell the other one....and we could choose!!! One house was a big favourite. So we were gonna think about it and let him know... We talked and dreamed about it all evening. We were both immediately in love
The next day we decided to wait no langer and called the owner again. We went back to the house for another look and decided to take it! We're gonna rent so we can take all the time we need to look for our own dreamhouse.
This house is completely renovated, has 3 large bedrooms, a nice bathroom, big, comfortable livingroom, a nice kitchen and a very nice garden.
We can move in at NewYear. By then our new buyer can move in and we can move out. We also have vacation between Christmas and NewYear so all the time to move
I can't stop dreaming of it. Finally I can start dreaming of my baby's room too (now we only have to wait for a baby to come )
Yesss!! The house is sold! The buyer is gonna sign the contract this evening. Now we can start looking fo a new place to live!
Period began this morning so I can finally call the hospital for further apointments Hopefully at the end of this month pregnant! This baby can never say it's not wanted
Something tells me this is gonna be a good weekend for a change
Selling a house...what a joy! I was so happy when the girl who wanted to buy our house told me this morning she had the money and wanted to buy it. YES! I was so happy. But now my parents think we sell it too cheap, the real estate agent says we sell it too cheap,... he said we should wait for a higher bid. But will there be a higher bid? What if this is the highest bid we will ever get? This buyer is not gonna wait forever! GRRR What am I supposed to do now
I've been discussing it now for hours and hours! My head hurts! I suddenly feel like a sigaret! ME! Me, who wanted to quit! Who made a fight with my boyfriend for smoking!
Hope some good new will come our way soon. We need it
Good news!! Yesterday my boyfriend told me he was gonna smoke his last sigarets today! I hope this time he will persevere.. He has no idea how happy he'd make me...
So now we wait for my monthly to come so we can make the next appointment in the clinic... but I'm already 4 days late Yesterday the thought struck me: "Could I really be pregnant??" But I did a test today and it was negative So, we wait....and wait.....
The girl who was so very interesting in buying our house was gonna think about our offer and let me know this morning.... It's noon already...still didn't here from here Don't know what's wrong because she's been kinda stalking us all thru the weekend Hope to hear good news from here soon... I'm up to some good news
In this diary I will try to write down my daily feelings. A lot is going on in my life at the moment and I really feel the need to write things down...
So here's a welcome to me to this new diary of mine (first time on blog )
This past month has been emotionally explosive but maybe, just maybe, the light is shining at the end of my dark tunnel. The fights with my boyfriend, our endless discussions on futilities and all the blame that has been laid on each other might possibily be cleared out. It was so rediculous: I love him, he loves me, but still the endless fights. It made me so tired.
We've got a house to sell, another house the find, a wedding on the way (for wich nothing has been arranged yet! ), and we're in the middle of an IVF procedure. This all is taking so much of our energy that sometimes we forget that we're just trying to build up a nice future together (what's supposed to be a romantic event )
So after the bomb exploded, we decided to take a step back and enjoy each other again
So much for the good news. taking in mind that very soon, a baby might be on it's way, I definitely wanted to quit smoking. That was the easiest dicision I had to make in years! But unfortunately my boyfriend has a lot of difficulties leaving the smokes for the past Problem is: I CAN'T TAKE THE SMELL ANYMORE!! How on earth am I going to convince him? He tried stopping just for me, but forget it! The constant blame for making him quit made me NUTS! So he's back to smoking, and so have I for a week. Yesterday was my last one I'm gonna make this effort, lets just hope he will someday do the same
Neen, uw blog moet niet dagelijks worden bijgewerkt. Het is gewoon zoals je het zélf wenst. Indien je geen tijd hebt om dit dagelijks te doen, maar bvb. enkele keren per week, is dit ook goed. Het is op jouw eigen tempo, met andere woorden: vele keren per dag mag dus ook zeker en vast, 1 keer per week ook.
Er hangt geen echte verplichting aan de regelmaat. Enkel is het zo hoe regelmatiger je het blog bijwerkt, hoe meer je bezoekers zullen terugkomen en hoe meer bezoekers je krijgt uiteraard.
Het maken van een blog en het onderhouden is eenvoudig. Hier wordt uitgelegd hoe u dit dient te doen.
Als eerste dient u een blog aan te maken- dit kan sinds 2023 niet meer.
Op die pagina dient u enkele gegevens in te geven. Dit duurt nog geen minuut om dit in te geven. Druk vervolgens op "Volgende pagina".
Nu is uw blog bijna aangemaakt. Ga nu naar uw e-mail en wacht totdat u van Bloggen.be een e-mailtje heeft ontvangen. In dat e-mailtje dient u op het unieke internetadres te klikken.
No more misery of that! 
EVERYTHING you say that concerns this dog makes S burst into fire!! His dog is GOLDEN to him. It's his most precious diamant. I'm sure that when I get an allergy from this dog, or he should get aggressive and bite me...I'll be the one to go!! 
)
For the first time in 32 years I have the feeling that porn is no longer taboo for me 
to come so we can make the next appointment in the clinic... but I'm already 4 days late 
)
