But did I listen oh no siree, I did not. I put money in another wallet and ordered again last night. So I failed once again. 

Do I regret what I did, yes I do. Why did  I do it? Because I knew it was coming and I figured better get it over with. 

Lousy reason I know. 

I was doing fine and now my day is ruined. Superb. 

I passed somme people and heard them say, you don't do that -no you don't do that. And the run was over. They were rigth I hadn't been paying any attention to Layki and this was too hard for her. I really did not think it was too hot. But it was for her, I called a vet to ask her and she confirmed I should not go running with my dog in this weather. I was pissed. I gave up everyhing for her and all I ask of her is that she goes running with me and now that was taken away. So my dog went form annoying to being the light of my life to being annoying again. And yes I know how this sounds. I am a spoiled little brat, a bitch, a terrible person. Realising that is no fun either. I actually started listening to the things being said in my head and I do realise I am a dreadful person, awful . I judge and I hate, but I am the worst of them all. So things werent't going my way and I was in fysical an emotional pain and so I went online to look. I didn' do it but I came damn close.

I need to learn to accept who I am, if I can't accept it, how can I expect others to accept me???

God damned. She went and told our superior. Of course she did. Rat that she is. 

I really do not like people and least of all those at work. I need to focus and just do my job and stop obsessing about my collegues. This is going to get me fired. I am going to get me fired. 

She 's always saying bad things about a collegue in regards to parking at work and every chance she gets she asks whether she can park inside. And then she complains about not being able to do any excercise, but it never occurs to her that walking from a parking space further from work to work also constitutes as excercise. 

I keep thinking about drugs, which is not a good thing. I need to keep busy during the weekends and keep reminding myself that Layki needs her walks. My weight loss is not going as fast as I want it to, but to be fair I cannot stay away from sweets/cookies. I have a sweet tooth you would not believe.The problem is I want to have it so I buy it, but that does not mean I will eat it all at once. Often it takes me months before finishing something, but these things have expiration dates and I also like variety, I want to have choices, lots of choices, so I end up with a cupboard filled with cookies and candy with no clue how I will ever eat it all. So than I hand it out at work. My parents don't want it, my brother is usually on a diet and my sisster doesn't need it - weigth issues run in the family another present from my mother.

These genes I got from my mother: the fat gene (genome??), the addiction gene and the cancergene. So Thank you very much mother . 

I love going to the supermarket and the more supermarkets I visit the more temptations I come across.

 

I got my haircut this weekend, but I didn't shave it. I am too old for that kind of hairstyle and it required mainetenance - I had to blowdry it and put product in in order for it to stay put. I do not have the time for those things. I always let the wind dry my hair. 

I like it now. 

Yesterday, I was offiially clean for 3 months, so I bought myself a little present, and no it wasn't drugs, but a statue of the angel of death. It is gorgeous. They also had Hell and Lucifer and many others, but those 2 I also want

We have coloncancer in our family and I need to get this checked out. My doctor asked me all kinds of questions that I did not know the answer to. The only one who can tell me anything, my mother, is not interested in telling me anything. All she cares about is that she does not have cancer. 

I aksed her if she doesn't care about the health of her 2 daughters and she answered NO. 

I think she meant that, at that moment , she didn't care. But I was shocked none the less. 

Me and my mother don't get along, she critizises everything  I do. She can never accept anything I do or say. 

I tried my very best to improve the relationship but  I have had enough. 

Onwards to better things - finally finished painting the living room; I picked the right color, but have to wait until tomorrow to see it in its full glory. it is red. 

And I made an appointement with the hairdresser for tomorrow. The second one this year. Which is odd because I usually 

go only once a year to the hairdresser.

I want to try something new, half long, half shaven. will let you know whether I went through with it. 

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD - STOP IT -  I MEAN IT - YOU NEED TO STOP; 

My hatred for the backstabbing bitch is so profound that seeing her makes me mad. Working with her is nearly impossible. I need this to stop. I like my job. I want to keep it. I need to let this go.

I have a problem with hypocrites, people meddling into my affairs en backstabbers. I am no angel, I don't even like me so why would anybody else and it still hurts knowing that you are not liked. 

Hopefully it is out of my system now. I need to focus on tonight, I am going to the movies with my brother and tomorrow I took a day of work to do some shopping/painting 

It gets in the way of me doing my job, because I am cursing them in my mind instead of focusing on my job. 

Taking my medication to counter the anger makes me sleepy, I did that yesterday. So Today I write about it in my blog. 

She always needs to be in te center of attention or draw attention to herself and she is so loud, I hate loud things. 

Gaia. right. I don't know whether you have ever seen a commercial of Gaia, but it touches me to my core. 

The most recent commercial is about horses in Argentine. The horses are meant for consumption and the way they are treated is horrific. 

I just want to kill anyone who does that to animals. Horses were beaten, had shattered legs, were skinny as hell. 

Animal cruelty always  has a devistating effect on me. But why is it that I feel the need to read about it, because I know it will ruin my day and yet if I see an article with a title that announces violence, I want to read it. Usually I feel so bad afterwards because human cruelty knows no bounds. 

I thought I should give myself a reward, first choice, going to the zonnebank. Second thought I had was that this is the perfect excuses to ..., then I told myself, no , you can give yourself a reward, but not that.

The bright side :  this work is worth a lot of points with weightwatchers, 15 points on Saturday and 8 on Sunday. Add to that the walks /runs I did with my dog and I earned a lot of points this weekend.

see you later alligator...

I am emptying my closet in preparation for painting my living room this weekend.

I bought something that should enable me to move one particularly heavy closet, so far no luck. hence the emptying 

I need to keep busy because weekends tend to be hard . And I am already coming up with good excuses to use again, but like Sherlock Holmes said in Elementary there are no good excuses. I need to focus on Layki and finally finishing my living room.

I managed to do so today.  I also decided that I should never send a mail when I am mad. I should use my blog instead.

I just hope I will somehow get through the enormeous pile of work. Because it is bringing me down and is very tiring.

At the end of every week I am dead tired.

it's weird you know, I have this long conversations or thoughts with myself in my head, but when I finally have the chance /time to write them down, they're  gone. and believe it or not, some of the things are funny and worth sharing , not lik this rubbish.

I nearly lost my soberbuddy. I didn't even realise that that is what she is until today.

Somewhat after 1 o'clock I receive a call from the people who walk my dog during the day. they told me she had managed to break free and ran away. My heart froze. I already saw her lying on the street, run over by a car. So I jumped on my bike and rode like the wind to get home. 10-15 minutes after I got home, I hear she has been found and is at the policestation. So I run over there and yes, there she was, unharmed. I always thougth I made a mistake taking her in, but she is the best first dog you could ever wish for.

And she is the main reason I stay clean, because she is worth staying clean for. So loosing her, would be catastrophical.

This is not good, I've been at work for an hour and already I am annoyed. There is this girl I work with and she considers herself to be handicapped which is an insult to all the really handicapped people out there and she expects special treatment because of her 'handicap'.

She is also a favourite of our boss, so I need to stay in control all the time. But sometimes I want to scream at her to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

this weekend went smoothly, did some shopping, read a book, watched vampire diaries.

Hopefully I will have a good week this week. 

I don't like being so angry all the time. But staying clean is hard, some days harder than others. I really hope my dog Layki will help me because I really like her and when I use I treat her poorly, no abuse or anything, but I have little patience and pay no attention to her. 

And I feel like shit the next morning. I don't want to put her throught that again. 

Let me be very clear, I do not hit or abuse my dog not even when I was using. I don't do that. I will raise my voice but that is it. 

She is the sweetest, kindest dog you'll ever meet, I hardly ever need to discipline her. If anything I indulge her too much. That is how she gained 4 kilos the first year she was with me. Now we're both on a diet and it seems to be paying of. Her back is returning to its normal size.

Good news, I squared things out with at least one of my collegues, and it is the important one. 

I will do my very best to have as little interaction as possible with the backstabbing b***.

I usually use English when I am really upset, which is a lot...but the Dutch language is my native tongue.