Weet je, ik wil altijd "de sterke" zijn. Dat mensen denken dat ik hard ben, en zo zien ze mij ook. En zo voel ik mij ook. Sterk.
Maar toch, je kan toch niet eeuwig sterk zijn en eeuwig alles slikken en blij zijn?
Na 22 maanden, doet het gemis van "hem" me nog altijd zo'n pijn. Altijd diezelfde vraag, waarom hij moest gaan. Altijd diezelfde schrik om nog verliefd te worden op iemand, en altijd diezelfde angst om verliefd te worden.
Life is a bitch sometimes.
Nu moet je weten, ik ben echt een optimist, ik ben een zonnetje, maar op dit moment gaat het mij echt niet af.
Ik weet niet waarom, maar ik voel mij zo leeg. Maar ik weet dat dat zal veranderen, ik hoop alleen heel binnenkort.
Het voelt alsof "hij" nog maar net gestorven is (jezus, wat haat ik dat woord), en de pijn is nog even vers als 23 april 2007.
De tranen blijven komen, en niemand die me begrijpt.
I hate being ill. Since Fridayevening, i'm sitting home, doing nothing, but watching crap, and boring myself, with no social life. Now i had my cell phone, so i could text Mandy & stuff, but if it isn't bad enough that i have to skip another day from school tomorrow, my prepaid card is empty & i don't have any money to reload, and so, no contact with Mandy =(
I guess i'm gonna die (:
So for school, we have this assignment going on, for French, it's about a visit we made last week to the European Parliament.
But i'm getting kinda crazy, as everything my grouppartners send me, is like shit! It doesn't look like anything! A has just took a short text straight from the internet, i mean, you could still see the lay-out and background of wikipedia!! B has made a text during she had sex or something i guess, 'cause really, if you read it, it looks like she hasn't got any French yet.
Really it's making me crazy, and so i have to be the bitch (yup i do not have a choice). I mailed them, from my home, being ill(!), and i've just said what i think is wrong and gave them new things to do. So they're probably going to hate me, but it's for their own good, you know.
I'm sorry, but i'm not going to give away my points because of the stupidness of my classmates. Nu-uh. Didn't think so.
I'm just hoping Mandy can stabilize the situation, because yeah well, i'm not there, so i don't hear what they're going to say he ;) Well we'll see. I'll let you know.
Now i'm going to be impatient, waiting for a mail, and thinking of a movie to watch, because really, one hour more sitting still, doing nothing & this girl is gonna have suicidal kicks.
XoXo
Saturday 31 January 2009
Hi there my ladies all over the world
All guys are the same. Really. They are. My friends and I made this fake facebook, with pictures of really - excuse my for my language - a blonde slut. I'm blonde myself, so i ain't saying this because she is blonde. She just is a slut, or anyway, that's what her pictures say ;)
Now, we've added this guy, "Costume" is his nickname, a real gorgeous one, who Mandy is chasing for already a long time. But the problem was always that he has a girlfriend, Jane.
So we didn't quite see him a lot, actually, we only saw him 2 times, i guess.
But well, we added him. And of course, he accepts and sends messages, when i'm on the facebook. So i'm the one who answerred them. And really, honestly, he's so fucking flirting!!!
He's even asking to go for a drink & stuff, and saying that i (well the blonde slut) is really beautiful!
Damnnnn, really, the last year, i've had too many cases in which i can just tell that guys aren't made for long relation ships.
I'm sorry for those who have one, but i - this is really honest - know not a single guy, who i am totally sure about that he doesn't cheat or lie or flirts with other girls, to his girlfriend. And i'm not talking about 2 guys here! I wouldn't say this, if i'm not sure, or if there are still doubts.
The perfect man doesn't exist. I give you that. This girl is never going to marry ;)
Enjoy life, that's what the male sex does too (:
You know you love me XoXo
Saturday 7th February 2009
Wauw, it is such a depressing day today. Really, i ain't feeling good.
It started yesterday when i had a fight with my parents. They told me i didn't do a lot in the house. And you see, with a normal teenager this would be normal stuff and they wouldn't mind too much that their parents say that. But with me, it's different. Very different.
You see, i do like sooooooooooooooooo much. I'm not the perfect daughter, i know that. But if there's one thing they absolutely don't have the right to complain about, it's that i don't do a thing for them.
Seriously, i don't know any other person that does the half of what i do.
I know you all must think that i'm exaggerating, but here's the thing: i certainly am not.
I do the dishes every fucking day, i clean the whole downstairs every week, i vacuum twice a week (that's the kitchen, the hallway and the living room), i go cleaning at my grandmom's house if the maid is absent, i go shopping for everyone, i clean my father's car once a month (and when the weather's bad that is even more) while he doesn't drive it, i clean my mother's car (when both my brother and my sister drive that thing as well), i type texts for my dad his work (he's a teacher) so that it goes faster for him (those are texts from more than 2 pages with size 8!), ... I could go on for a while (:
It's just so, i don't know. It's not that i don't want to do those things, i don't mind, i'm used to it. But just, they aren't grateful at all. They think it's normal, that that is what's going on in each family. Really, i just wish they could see how "much" my friends have to do. How i would give money for that.
I just can't believe that they got angry at me, really i don't.
It hurt really much. For me this isn't a banal thing.
Then, this morning, things were better, i went to the farmacy for my mom (she's got a cold) and i got to keep the rest of the money. (:
I thought she and my dad talked about it this night and that she was being nice for that. Well, i thought that.
At noon, i was home alone, and i vacumed the whole downstairs (to the habbit), afterwards i worked for school. And you don't even know what i've worked on.
Oh yes, the groupwork of french, that we made when i was being ill and which i was so pissed off. So we don't have a good result, 13/20 and we had to correct it by edit, in word. Not as simple as i'd like it to be ;)
While i was reading the text, i saw there were so fucking much mistakes made that were so stupid! I mean, really, like just fucking typing mistakes!! That's just pure nonchalance! I could kill everyone.
In my lines, there were mistakes too & quite a lot, i won't ignore that, but PLEASE, no typing mistakes!!! Don't you fucking read your text before printing?!!!!
Really, you could just TELL that there hasn't been spent a lot time on. And that is something that really pissed me off, as i - being ill - spent there quite A LOT time on. I have to stop thinking about it, or i'm turning agressive, serious.
So, anyway, i worked on it for an hour or something, well, long enough. (:
I did it all myself, but that i don't mind for. Butttt
(of course there was something coming)
i sent a mail afterwards to 3 members of the group (in total we were with 6), with the question to look at the text, and one had to edit the lay-out.
I put 3 remarks in the text and i asked in the mail for each member to look at it, and if it was their text, to correct it. Now as i already corrected the WHOLE text (except those 6 remarks, whiche were just words or ONE sentence), that has to take their NOT EVEN A MINUTE.
So, i thought, well that'll be okay, it'll all solve out.
5 minutes later, one of the 3 members, came on the msn and asked me: what do you want me to do?
I JUST FUCKING SENT HER A MAIL. OR PEOPLE REALLY THAT SHITTING LAZY?????
Oh yes i'm going crazy indeed. But so, i stayed calm (which was extremely hard for me) and told her just what their was in the mail. And then she said, calmly and serious as hell, "oh okay i'll do it tomorrow i don't want to do it now."
What the fuck, you know. I've spent 60 x the time that they need to spend in that assignment!!!!
Seriously, in what perfect world are they living?
Nuuup, jackie ain't laughing at all.
In normal circumstances, i think, i would be pissed also, very pissed, but not as raging as i am now. But that, my beloved ones, is due to the fact that my family is being a real bitch a-g-a-i-n.
Now, i don't feel like nagging about that over again, 'cause i've got the risk that i start crying again.
Just, pff, i've got it really hard for now. Everybody's pissing me off, my parents are hating me & i am hating them AND they are hating eachother (which i hate the most), i have got a school report on Friday, which is going to be totall loss (read: dutch, german, maths and maybe even economics are going to be a disaster).
And you know what kills me in that too? That there is really nobody who could understand my position in that.
They all think like, hey, for the one time you'll have a bad report, or for example, if i have "only" one deficit, they will indeed think, come on seriously, what are you making such a drama off? It's ONLY one deficit!
But for me, one deficit = suicide ;)
My parents are sooooooooooooo convinced that i'm under my level, always expecting me to
- be the first of the class
- have more than 76%
- have no deficits at all!!!!!
- have at least 80% at my languages
You must also know that my dad (the teachre) gives Dutch and English. So, if i get a deficit on dutch, i'm a dead man. Especially as i haven't got that EVER before.
And to be honest, it would also kill me personally.
If you haven't stopped reading yet, i'm really sorry for the wowowowowo negative talk.
But i just feel fucking bad right now.
I promise, next time, i'll be happy & positive!
'cause i know i'll survive, it's just a matter of time (but please please please, let it be soon...)
you know you hate me for being such a pessimist ^^
