Over the past few days, Ive been in a mood. No one can say or do something to cheer me up. I feel really bad about it. Cause I do want to be cheered up and be my content self, but nothing helps and I should really not speak to anyone I like untill this is over.
I feel like my skin is really thight and I cant do anything. Like an elastic is wrapped all around me and its pulling me back when I try to do something about my feelings. When I move too much, when I think too much, when I try to smile too much. Its keeping my intire self passive. But underneath theres this chaos shaking me nervously. Like Im not having any rest. It makes me unable to focus on anything or anyone. I compare it with someone shaking you just a tiny bit. You can still see everything, but its like theres a part missing, that you should be experiencing. Youre not picking the stimulations and you cant get the sensation you should be getting.
As a result I cant fully get into a conversation. Even if Im not thinking about whats upsetting me. I cant enjoy chatting. I cant get away from whats going on inside me.. And this makes me irritatable. I snap, I whine, I lack interest but I cant think of anything to talk about myself.
I think Im panicing. I start doubting myself. Im convinced Ill fail, but I know I cant give up the goal Ive set up for myself . I need to get to where I want to be or I'll beat myself up about it for the rest of my life. And so I do whatever it is I have to do, half hearted. I need to get out of this and I need to get out of this soon, or Ill mess up another oppurtunity to get as close to my goal as I can.
Im a bit happier now, being able to capture the feeling. Makes me a bit proud.
