Dad had an epilepsy ceisure again last night. Last one he had was almost a year ago. His eyesight that got affected by the cerebral hemorrhage that started it all, was just improved enough that he could start driving again somewhere in december. Dad was excited for a whole week. And now he can't drive for another whole year. It's going to be a major slap in the face for him.
It's stress, definitely stress this time. It's quite busy for accountants and he's doing all that work by himself. He's been working so much for the past month to get everything done. And then there's the baby. Dad just became a granddaddy. It's something he's been waiting for for years now and it finally happened. I think all the emotions, the good and the bad, have gotten to him again. I saw it coming last wednessday when the baby was born. Dad was awefully quiet in the hospital. No one really noticed cause of all the joy and happiness around, but I made sure I kept an eye on him. The few days after that he was still a bit blown away, but he seemed to be recovering from it all. Yesterday I wasn't really worrying anymore. But it did strike me that wednessday though, how easily he get's affected by things these days and how hard it is for us to detect any possible stressfactor. When even good events can be a trigger. Those never ring an alarmbell. Of course the mainfactor was a stressfull workingperiod.
When mum got home she did the usual. Running around cleaning up, trying to get back in control of things. But she isn't and she's dead scared. Another side of mum I'm slowly beginning to know. It makes me want to be able to talk to her. I only talk to mum in a practical way. We seem to be unable to chitchat, to chew the fat. I've tried before. When we're shopping alone, I try to pay attention to her and to talk, but it never seems to work. I'm not sure if she feels the need to talk to me. And I usually don't feel the need to talk to her. But it's on occasions like these that I wished I could say something to her that went through, that meant something. Not because I want to be the important person that saves the day. I'm scared that she needs someone when no one's there. She's got a good friend and she's got my sister, but I'm around when mum has the hardest time. That's when she's at home unable to find something to do. During the day she goes to see dad, she arranges things with the hospital, with his clients and so on. That's when she can pop in and talk to her friend or my sister. When she has to go home at the end of the day she's on her own. And there's only that much cleaning you can do. I know she hates being on her own. She's said it once. Last year she was alone with dad when I was on holiday and my brother stayed at his girlfriends. It made her feel a bit sad, she said. And she's said she couldn't sleep on her own in her bed, last time dad was in the hospital. So mum was very alone yesterday. I asked about dad when she got back (I couldn't get there last night), and after that I thought it was better if I didn't try to talk to her. I think she prefers that. But I kept her company. We watched telly together and I tried staying up, but I was dead tired from the night before, so I dozed off quite a few times. I think I did the best I could do. But I wish I could do more for her. She's my mum.
