Man has the potential to heal himself and nature has the potential to heal man. 

Who I am, doesn’t really matter because I could be you. Don’t be offended by this. It’s meant well, you’ll see:

What I went through determined who I am. What I am, I’m not so sure about, but I’m the accumulation of my experiences and I know now that I’m capable of erasing bad memories, or on the other hand, to see them as lessons or steps in my development. In this way they are removed from all their negativity. That’s why I could write this book 'A deadly Cocktail', hoping that through this transformation of negative experiences that eventually healed me (not only physically, but also psychologically because they cured me of my low self-esteem in order to manisfest myself in a healthy way), I can also help others accomplish this themselves. This means a cure for when they’re sick, but also helping them to stop seeing themselves as limited, but rather as powerful and creative. Being able to do this, this potential, is inside us all. There’s nothing mystical about it!

It’s learning how to think outside the box of well-known concepts of illness. 

Concepts like ‘it’s not scientifically proven’ or ‘that can’t be right, because we can’t find an explaination”. Thoughts like ‘I can’t’ or ‘I’m too afraid’, and also ‘If I keep this to myself, I can get a head start on the others’. I, on the other hand, believe you can better share what you’ve been given. You get what you ask for by actively searching for it. That’s the way the universe works. 

At first, there was a lot of shame surrounding illness. For a long time, I was a guinea pig concering the ailment. Experiences were exchanged. After many relapses, I became free of my illness and wanted to forget all about it. Along the way, I became associated with my sickness, and no longer with myself. This is why I myself started doing the same thing. This was what people asked me about first. Or my mother. Or sisters. 

But who was I? What could I be? 

Just to say, I’d had it. I was cured and no longer wanted that association, I wanted to discover what I had to offer. Hide my past of illness, I was too ashamed of it. 

Is it about ten years now since I’ve been cured? It went gradually, so I’m not entirely sure. I’m still sensitive. In fact, I’m still highly sensitive. I was born that way. But I wasn’t born with my illness, that’s for sure. I’m talking about extreme asthma and eczema.  

I was no longer ashamed, and started realising that I could share my experiences with overcoming this. There are too many people with all kinds of skin diseases, asthma and other SO CALLED chronic stress related illnesses. They too have the right to access this information. They don’t have to learn to live with their illness like they’ve always been told, or become dependent on medication. Of course allergies can be triggers, but there is more to it. It’s the psychosomatics that make you ill, even if you get sick at infant age, like me. Skin disease, asthma, psoriasis, but also obesity, anorexia…all sorts of chronic illnesses are a sign of imbalances, of psychological imbalances, and that is often denied. That’s too much of a sensitive subject. There’s too much shame. That goes for me as well. I had the idea as a child that everything was my fault. I was made to believe this (I felt unwanted and in a way, that was true), so that’s what I made myself think. Not worthy of my own life, that’s what that feels like for a child. Why am I here if I’m a burden to everyone and I can’t make my parents happy? Here is my story. 

For the longest time, I carried feelings of guilt. When I was born, all of a sudden my parents’ marriage seemed to fall apart. Because I was born, and mainly because of my illness. My sisters told me they felt like there wasn’t any time for them anymore, all the attention went to ‘that sick child’. That’s how they experienced this, because they were only young children themselves back then. I kept feeling that way, and throughout the years, this feeling kept being fed. I felt guilty about everything. That’s the way I was, I had so little sense of self-worth…

I was somebody who you could use to divert all your problems to, which must be a great thing to have in your life. I had little self-esteem and seemed to fail in everything I did, even eating, health, discovering joy in life…Then one day, a woman called Lieve Smolders burst that beautiful bubble I crafted for myself. It was the last chapter in the journey in which I was trying to find myself, my background, karmic pieces and their motives to act this way or another. 

What I didn’t know until then was this: I was born at a time when the relationship between my parents was rocky. Very rocky, because my mother wanted to leave her husband as soon as possible - for very valid reasons - but all of a sudden she turned out to be pregnant. A disaster, and now I know all the circumstances, I would have reacted the same way she did. My mother wasn’t happily pregnant, and she probably even hoped I wouldn’t be born. It made sense in her situation. Eventually, I was born, and was not very welcome at the time. As an infant, you’re born with a soul, an awareness, but you haven’t yet developed an identity. Babies can feel, even in the womb they feel everything a mother feels, because there’s a symbiotic connection between mother and child. After birth that connection remains for a while. A child needs its mother, and not just for the feedings. I had dry skin as a baby, and a nurse ordered my mother to stop breastfeeding me. Almost immediatly I was covered in eczema, because I didn’t get the protection of the antibodies in the breastmilk anymore. Eczema is an auto-immune disease, and my immune system went nuts. 

The water blisters and inflammations became so extreme that I ended up in hospital. Being a baby I was subjected to many dietary changes but, after a while, I was dying. They informed my mother of this and she didn’t want to have this on her conscience (this is what it felt like to her, she felt that she was responsible for the cause of my disease). She whisked me away from the hospital, at her own risk. She taught me how to eat all over again. 

I wasn’t cured of my illness, but I did get better. Why was that? Because all of a sudden, she did want me. She saw me as a child that didn’t ask to be born, and she was willing to take care of me, so I would make it. Now I did get the love and care I had been in need of all along. She accepted her child, even if that child was also partly ‘his’.

My growth was delayed, I was very skinny at that time and had of course many red, pus-filled patches. Most of the time I didn’t have them on my face, that came at a later age. I really saw this as a punishment. Again, there was lots of shame. More stress, and with this added to the mixture, more symptoms…

At home things were still rocky, so I didn’t like living there. I loved visiting the neighbours or my family, and was often sent off to a friends’ house. At the age of ten I ended up in a boarding school, so that’s where I got to spend the most important years of my development. At home they didn’t have much time to raise me, so I learned how to take care of myself pretty early on. I kept picking up on the energy, but I get that everywhere. When I was 35 years old, someone told me I was highly sensitive, and probably even took in other peoples’ energies, even other peoples’ anger and sadness, because I’m very empathetic. My radar for bad thoughts and approaching danger was very fine-tuned. At home the situation was dangerous. I developed a defense mechanism. Anybody in this situation would. 

My solutions until then were drawing, writing, photographing, walking amongst nature - which was good for my balance (I did all of this intuitively, and it turned out to be my salvation). There was also the medical seesaw I was on, with lots of topical steroid and tar treatments at the hospital. My entire body was covered in the tar ointments, and then wrapped in bandages. Your skin cells completely renew themselves every four weeks, which meant that I needed to spend these weeks in hospital. It’s very frustrating having these breaks from life, being in a hospital without actually feeling sick. You can’t hold a book with your tar-covered hands, drawing would leave smudges on the paper. I was bored to death. I never invited many visitors, not until the dead skin cells were burned. After your release from hospital, you look like a new person. You get your lust for life back. At the same time, I was aware of the fact that tar is in fact a highly toxic substance. 

One day I was so sick of the relapses that I decided to fix my problems myself. No more medication, no more hospitalisation. It had to be over with. I was given a presciption for a moisturising balm that I carefully saved, and every six months I ordered a new jar of this at the pharmacy. Other medication, apart from paracetamol, elderberry syrup, vitamins and minerals, I wouldn’t touch. I don’t think I’ve had antibiotics more than once or twice in my life, since I’ve proved to be allergic to penicillin as well. The scratch test for allergies I had in my childhood turned red for nearly everything that was tested.  That neutral balm was the only thing that didn’t make me break out. All other things, even from natural brands like Dr. Hauschka I had to throw in the bin. I still do. I was made hypersensitive to everything.

Of course, I started out by changing my diet, and because I noticed that I was less red after every walk, I did lots of walking. Nature became a fixture in my daily planning. I gained strength because of this. These were my happiest moments. But by now I understood that my skin was a reflection of what I felt like on the inside. It gave away the state of my inner self, even when masked by a big smile, so I knew I had to work on myself. I still didn’t accept myself, I even wondered why others, a few people aside, seemed to have no problem liking me for who I was.  Purifying was the keyword. This is what you do when you overcome a trauma. I felt the need to understand things.  I want to know what drives a person, because everything is complex, but can have logical, sometimes very strange reasons. At home we had a lot of family secrets. Lots of things were hidden from the outside world. My family expected me to play along but I wasn’t cut out for this. I like to be honest. I couldn’t keep hiding the anger or lies. My body’s way of expressing this? Through my skin. 

Once I started working on myself I got better, became stronger and didn’t get sick quite as often. I knew I couldn’t stay in the role of the victim because I wanted to create my own world. I’ve done everything to make that world a beautiful place. At a certain point in your life, you are responsible for your own here and now, you can give your life direction by setting goals for yourself. Psychological processes lie at the base of this, as well as bad memories and even family karma, but it’s probably best to keep this for another lecture. 

My biggest task and possibly the key to my cure, was realising that I wasn’t able to receive much love either, not even from my husband. Someone gave the insight that he couldn’t come close because I wouldn’t let him. I didn’t let anyone come close. I had a lot of friends, but most of the time, I was the person they told all of their problems to. I never told them my own. I build a shield around me, joked around. This is what the eczema did when I still had it, it told people to stay at a distance. In a way, you make yourself repulsive to others, like some people who suffer from obesity do. They build a wall around them, because on the inside, they’re hurt. Eczema is an auto-immune disease, so your body basically defends itself - and your mind - against influences from outside. It goes nuts, your adrenal glands produce too much cortisol, so you end up in a vicious circle. At a young age your body starts telling you what changes nee tob e made in your life. Then, you start realising that you’re not as healthy as others, and at times you look so hideous that you’re ashamed of your appearance, which gives you more stress, and in turn more of a rash…

I knew that it was up to me to break this circle, if I wanted to. And I really wanted to. In all my naivety, because that’s what the doctors would tell you, I thought that if I wasn’t born with it, there was a chance that I could get rid of it too. That it wasn’t chronic, like they tried to tell me. The doctors told me to learn to live with it, because of that. Some dermatologists see themselves as temporary healers. You put on this balm, the rash is gone, you applaud the fast cure the doctor came up with. What they don’t tell you is that you get more and more susceptible, weaker and dependent on the medication. It’s chemistry after all. The illness and the causes of it go to a deeper level, because you ignore all the signals that point to a weak inner balance. But with your balm you look alright again and you can pretend nothing is going on. 

So, a mental cause or psychologically. 

Your body is a vehicle and every cell has a memory. They contain lots of information. Good and bad memories. If the bad memories and the inner anger grow, then you’re out of balance. That’s what it’s about. I didn’t accept my home situation, I wanted to solve it, but it wasn’t within my capability to do so. Frustration. Anger, and in the meantime you’re poisoning your own body. You can hide this by putting on a big smile, and making jokes like I used to do. But you feel something isn’t right. Sometimes it takes a while, like with more serious illnesses. It’s like that with cancer, even though things like pollution play a part in this too. 

Symptoms of illnesses are warning signs that you can’t ignore. Look for the lesson behind the disease. Don’t keep reaching for suppressing medication that makes your body lazy or tired, if this isn’t necsessary. Your body has the ability to heal itself, and it’s your job to call upon that ability when you see signs of illness. This means that by using suppressing medication, you also suppress your own ability to heal yourself. This is a time when your body needs all it’s strength to help heal itself. The psychological approach is very efficient, if you want to reach your own blind spots.  

This isn’t a story to point out who’s to blame, but more about forgiveness. Learning how to understand can be very healing, forgiveness will follow. Learning how to forgive is so powerful…it’s not just a Catholic thing. It’s accepting that everybody has their major and minor flaws. 

If you have a rough background like I do, then there are: 

1. The processing. 
2. Learning how to enjoy.
3. Accepting yourself, because you had a tendency to feel unwelcome and stopped accepting yourself. 
4. Learning how to be loved.
5. Learning how to love.
6. A sense of happiness. You can be happy with very little, but don’t forget your surroundings (at an adult age, a child can’t choose it’s surroundings) reflect your inner state of wellbeing. 

Who here is good at maths? Nobody? That can’t be right? I’m not, but still, I’ll write a maths problem on the blackboard. 

70% of our energy is used by our thoughts. So if you have troubling thoughts, and you use 20% of that 70% to relish yourself in your role of a victim, another 20% to keep your inner anger alive every day, at the same time trying to overpower that heaviness that weighs on you, to stay alive, to keep going, then it’s very likely that you’ll be very powerful if you pull this off, but it’s very hard and that balance stays very fragile, as I’m sure you’ll understand. If you end up managing TRUE forgiveness, so the anger fades away and you can see yourself clearly again, then you’ll gain 40% of energy right away. Energy you can then use for positive things that make you happy. Eventually, that 40% will grow to 70% worth of positive energy, and you’ll gain so much. You’ll literally gain years of your life, wellbeing and health. It’s as simple as that, but oh so hard to do. But you’ll have stopped hoping you’ll ever get better by symptomatically treating your disease, you actively make sure you’re actually getting better from within. In a certain way, the power of your wounds is just as strong as your healing power, if you’re willing to transform that negative will. Willpower is the key. Energy is energy. I don’t wish wounds upon anyone, not mentally nor physically. So I’m not going to test this theory. Transform negativity into something positive and save yourself this way when you need to. 

Your surroundings are also a mirror, they tell you what you need to work on. Really, try it. Why do you end up in a certain situation all the time? Why does your friend always end up in the same tricky situation? There is a lesson in all of this. Once you learn this lesson, you won’t have to learn it again. Life hands you different lessons, maybe even less tricky ones. 

All of this will only work when you’re positive, and don’t stay in your role as a victim (this is very important!). It only works when you’re not constantly asking for attenion to replenish your own negative energy balance. When you’re not feeling sorry for yourself, it will be so much easier to get in contact with your self-healing divine potential. Try to start from a point of acceptance, or self-acceptance and try to take conscious steps or just to follow your intuition. Don’t block out that intuitive road with suppressing medication, that cut you loose from your emotions and tie down your creativity. Then you connect to the source. The Everything. Positive affirmations help too. You visualize yourself as cured and the process will start, because you planted the seed. The seed, that is the thought. You don’t leave the thought, but for the realisation of the thought, you let everything take place. Then eventually, it will happen in reality. 

What you can also do is reconnect to your own soul, that too is whole. A person is capable of so much more than he or she’d ever know. They are too dependent on potions and doctors, sometimes even from their caretakers. 

Every human being has a divine spark, is self-creating, so can also be self-healing. The problem is that their own thoughts still spread doubt, trick them into not being able or willing to believe that power. We have been taught to see ourselves as sinful and limited. A nice little gift from the Catholic church that has been fooling generations, something that was misunderstood, because this isn’t how Jesus meant it. He said we all have that divine spark inside of us, and we can help in creating our own lives. He showed us how big we really are, but we didn’t understand. Believing in God is believing in yourself. You are your own God. You’re part of the eternal, and you have a part in the power of the eternal potential. 

His messages were abused, and even made into something mystical. That secretive blur around what is actually very natural, destroyed a lot. People who have made use of it exude power. It’s about divine potential. Humanity as an organism, with connections between all people, actions and reactions. Here in the West, I encounter lots of rudeness, selfishness, we see ourselves as individuals. If you live in a destructive family for years, it’s impossible to come out without any trauma, no matter how well you protected youself. You share in that destructive energy. You feel what there is to feel. In that case, that connection is harmful, especially when you can’t express yourself about it, are ashamed, ordered to keep silent or keep things in, make them part of you. Those heavy thoughts develop into raging cancerous cells. In a certain way, I expressed that stored energy through my skin. Eczema proved to be my salvation, in hindsight. 

Since thoughts are very powerful, negative thoughts like ‘I can’t do it’, ‘I’m not worth it’, ‘I’m not worthy of it’, ‘I’m a nobody’ or ‘everything I do always fails” or even feelings of shame will block your divine potential, and even block your healing process. If your thoughts are positive, of course you and your willpower create very postive conditions to wake up your own self-healing potential and let them do their natural job. Healing isn’t a miracle, it isn’t a coincidence, it’s making use of your natural potential. You plug into the eternal. When I’m in nature, I’m quiet and I’m amazed about the micro and macro beauty around me. I look with eyes filled with love, and because love operates on the highest of frequencies, you yourself function on that frequency of love, with the eternal, The All, the cosmos. Love is the biggest source of power you can find. You can find this in the love for a partner, a parent…And loving yourself is just as important. Don’t act like you don’t love yourself, don’t put on a mask, but ‘really’ love yourself without that mask on, and without falling in the trap of becoming narcistic. You’re worth it. You can also find love in creativity, because you do what you love to do, and you are expressing yourself in a very personal way. You can transform feelings of fear, shame, inner anger and negativity into something positive, into a beautiful creation you can be proud of. YOU EXPRESSED YOURSELF! If creativity isn’t your thing, then this isn’t the way to go for you. You can express yourself through dance, sports, sounds (high upper notes or low ohm-notes, those vibrations are healing, and allow your body to vibrate to that resonance. This brings balance to things that weren’t named, but unbalanced you before). 

You can HEAL by looking for BALANCE, through things you love to do, things that make you happy, but also by having an admiration and respect for the union and unmeasurable beauty in nature, no matter which way you discover it. 

This is now the biggest challenge that faces medical science, getting man to believe in himself again, in his own power to achieve. Teaching people how to think for themselves again, giving them responsibility, and letting them choose the treatment they see fitting. It’s a quest to find yourself. You go with the stream, but you can discover your own individuality. As a patient you have your rights, nothing should be forced on you. You don’t have to live the life your partner, mother or father want you to live. You’ll find your own way in everything, so you will find your way in healing. The holistic approach (everything is connected, the parts in your body are connected, so mind and body are too) will get more attention soon. Analysis also leads to thinking inside the box, and leads to separation, even separation of soul and ego. When soul and ego find each other again, there will be healing. 

31-08-2015, 00:00 geschreven door catherine wheels