Hi Bill,

What should I do with this day, Bill? A man is standing on top of a mountain and is asking himself: should I jump? In the end he doesn’t. Maybe I should eat something. My body is craving. Nothing but coffee and cigarettes these days. And alcohol. Nothing a good drink can’t fix, I suppose.

I am so tired of these useless things that I do. But I do like the hunger. To know that I am stronger than my hunger. I like these drugs that keep me thin. I don’t have to use a knife again, or scissors or that razor blade to feel myself anymore. You know like in: you bleed just to feel you’re alive. But I am past all that now. I mean, I don’t even use all those secret places anymore. You know, the ones no-one ever sees, except if they’re your lover.

I hope I can sleep tonight. I hope tomorrow never comes. And if it does, I want the sun to shine and the birds to sing. I want the air hot and full of promises, like summer. I want to drive my car, far away from here. An endless road, I need to find. You held me today. For the very fucking first time, you held me. And you held me close. Is this what it takes, Bill? For me to be close to you, I need to be far away? I need to distance you, push you away and feel bad about it?

If there’s one thing to remember, Bill, remember this: I do not look back, ever. You know I walk a rocky path on the loom of the land. I walk it once, and never back again.

Bye Bill,

Uma

Hi Bill,

I’ve been doing some thinking. I know, it’s not something a pretty girl like me should be doing. But sometimes I just can’t help myself, you should know that by now. And I’ve finally figured out what is that you want from me. And it isn’t much, is it?

You just want me to wait for you. You just want to have me in your mind. You just want to call me when you’re feeling sad. You just want to call me to tell me how well you’re doing. You just want me to tell you that you’re good and clean and handsome. And you are all of those things.

Didn’t I tell you I would get you back on your feet, point you in the right direction and off you’d go? I will not even ask what’s in it for me. I’ll just take whatever should be mine. I’ve been having bad dreams lately. I wake up with the strange feeling that the world is finally coming to an end and then I just go to work or whatever it is that I do to earn myself a living.

Look, I know I probably shouldn’t be saying all this stuff to you. Or write them down so I could know what it is that I am feeling. I am sorry that I scare you. I am sorry to be me. I am sorry that I can not take no for answer. I am sorry for wanting to take care of you. I am so very sorry for wanting you at all. But I am taking care of business…

This stuff must be boring the shit out of you, I am aware of that. But you know that saying goodbye is not what I do best. I’ll just shoot you in the head instead….

Just kidding Bill …

Bye for now.

Uma?

Hi again Bill,

The city has been set on fire and the burning went on for 10 long days & nights. Madness and hysterica everywhere, old lovers quarrelling over nothing and almost killing each other. The smell of piss and beer warmed up by the sun in the afternoon and the taste of cheap dope in the back of your throat. Loud music, suspicious looks, a sudden flash of understanding. Let’s go home, Bill … Please …

You know I hate to ask. You know it and you still make me do it and I will do it until I stop doing it. Then you will have lost me and you’ll blame me and every other woman on this fucking planet. See if I care Bill, but chances are I don’t. I mean, not anymore.

I don’t know what you want from me. Maybe you didn’t want anything from me to begin with. Besides the occasional fuck, of course. Or did you think you were special? Different from any other guy that sees me and reduces me to a fine piece of ass, or tits, or cunt, or whatever. I guess you weren’t. Not different and not special. Almost ordinary and common. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re all right. It just doesn’t keep me warm in the middle of the night.

Back to the old question again. Am I asking too much? Or are you giving too little? Too late? I guess you don’t know me. I guess you never did. If you did, you’d know I’d never do those things you want me to do. Like take up your space and time and your precious money. I’d rather die, Bill. But then again Bill, aren’t you already killing me slowly? Not softly, but quite surely …

Bye Bill …

Uma

Hi Bill,

I promised you I was going to sort things out, and guess what? I did. Well, I made a start anyway. So, that is good.

You know what? I feel kind of good today. It was decision time and I’ve made a decision. And now I feel good about it even it is a bad decision, darling. You know, I was all wound up about being like regular and good. Even made a few phone-calls to people that know some people that could help me fit in the normal kind of world. But then I asked a question and the answer was correct. Someone told me I could never fit in anymore because I have been too bad. So now I need to be punished and I sent myself back to where I was. There’s no escape, Bill, not for emotional hooligans like myself. Who was I kidding anyway?

So, how are you doing, Bill? Have you had any more brilliant ideas I should know about? You do know I will admire you, just like old times. I guess old times are back, now. I have lived too much and too hard to just go back.

Should I say sorry to all those I’ve wounded on my way through this urban jungle? I guess not … They deserved it. They had it coming like I had it coming once.

And I guess I have it coming now. And I guess I’ll take it like I took it once before. You will bruise my body. You will tie me up and put me down. Once more, I’ll be yours alone.

See you on Friday, Bill …

Uma?

Hello Bill,

Yet again, another lost weekend. I was here and you were there and we were not together, not in any way. It’s these drugs, Bill, and you know it. I know it. I feel more alone with you, now that I’m with you. But hey, you know I’m not the girl that misses much. Nothing much at all. And whatever I could miss, I try to forget about it. I don’t keep photographs or memories. I loose whatever I’ve been given. My body does not remember what you feel like, or taste like or how it was when you touched me with your hands. My lips are ignorant of who you are, ready to kiss whoever will take your place to kiss me and hold me and fuck me. We all get screwed in the end, Bill, don’t we?

So maybe this is the end. Maybe it isn’t, who can tell? Maybe you’re just getting old and age is getting to you. Just kidding, Bill, just kidding …

Anyway, I have to get back on track. Sort some things out, or just decide to ignore them. Look, I know you think you have me and in a way you do. But in so many ways you don’t. I don’t even know if you care. It’s no big deal anyway. It doesn’t matter if you care or not, because even this game will be boring me after a while. You know me. I probably just needed someone to talk to, or maybe not even that. Just someone who would sit with me for a while and listen to what I’ve got to say.

Let’s just follow the sun and the moon. You know I never look back. What’s the point? I’ve known loneliness all my life and I’ve learned to live with it. Loneliness is nothing. I just don’t want to remember how it is and was or could be; feeling close to you …

So, Bill, over and out?

Uma.

Hi Bill,

Am I asking too much? Again? In the end I’m just a girl in the world, trying to get by without getting my throat slit. You know what I mean. I must be a very fine actress, if you think that I am only strong and tough. Sometimes I’d like you to really know me, but then again … where’s the point in that? It’s not like you will be the one that doesn’t leave, isn’t it? I will get you on your feet again, point you in the right direction and off you’ll go. And if I can get it into your head and heart that strong and insensitive aren’t the same things, maybe I will have achieved something. Or not. Or whatever.

You say you can’t trust me, like it is breaking news. I don’t even trust myself, so tell me something I don’t know. You, on the other hand, you are one fine example of stability to the world. You know what I mean. You say yes and then you call me to say no or just maybe. And I am cool with that, aren’t I? But I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad … Like I have to be something for you, the rock you can build your church upon and I deliver the goods. But you want to know where I will stand or be in a couple of months and will I still love you or care for you or whatever. Like I know that shit, Bill. Should I know that shit?

I try so hard not to want something or someone or anything at all. I just need my own space or I feel like I am drowning, endlessly. So I go home and lock myself in a room and just sit there. Try to breathe without pain. Concentrate. In. Out. In. Again. Do you know that feeling, Bill?

So yeah, Bill. Maybe I ask too much of you. A little space, a little time. But then again, why should I settle for less?

Bye Bill,

Uma.

Hi Bill,

Do I scare you? I know I do. I just don’t understand why. It is probably the way I handle things. Like everything I ever do is a matter of life and dead. Should I be sorry about that? I guess so. But I am not. Lately, I’ve been wondering about what’s wrong with me. Am I a disease, do I need to be cured? But if I do scare you, please don’t stick around. Just don’t because I will scare you even more.

It is so hot that even the tab-water has lost its coolness. Maybe it is just the heat driving everybody away from me. Everybody’s leaving town, they’re fleeing the city like Lot and his wife. Running away from Sodom and Gomorra and don’t you look back!

Enough now of that sentimental shit, not making any sense. If I could, I would apologize for being intense. Hey baby, we’re cool. Cool cats. We don’t mind, nothing is a big deal. But I still don’t get it, I guess. You’re the one in the first place that made me into this killer woman. So why are you backing off now? Is it because you know I could bring you down in an instant? A split second, so to speak. It must mean you don’t trust yourself if you can’t trust me on this. Just because I could, doesn’t mean I would. Would you? Darling, would you?

I take it you just did. Even though I’ve been such a good girl lately. And especially for you. I even felt like a good girl, really. And I did things nice people do. Like they think about other people too and you just know how they feel. At sometimes the right words come out then, so you can even tell them that it’s not so bad. It’s not so bad. They start understanding. See how their life could change. Fear steps in and they’re lost. Fear is the killer, Bill. Did you not tell me that? Fear is the killer.

Will you call tomorrow? Is it something I said? Why can’t I be like other people? Reality slips through my fingers, I have no grip whatsoever. How can I hold on?

Bye Bill,

Uma

Carlito man, I think I've fucked up.

You know, Bill called, two days ago. And he wanted to see me. Only I couldn't, because I was too busy working and stuff. There was another guy in the house, so what was I to say? And Bill was like, you know, chatting away but it felt like I had like no connection. With him, I mean. I'm just like that, Carlito. Can't help it. You know. Can't be left alone for too long. Or without news. All memories of us seem to fade so fast, and I get too used to being alone. And then I do stuff. So the next day, I wrote him. And I said like, hey Bill, let's see each other because I don't remember you very well anymore. And I've slept with a girl.

So now, nothing. Silence. Maybe he's mad, because of what I found out. I don't know. I ought to give it a few days, I guess.