Nice
day today. I meant to tell you that I was sorry about the whisky, but
not too much. You know, its really not a good idea to leave me alone
with the booze. And for so long I mean.
So
then you promised me Id be punished and so on. But I didnt know you
were going to do it like this, so this punishment, I really dont like
it. You know Bill, loneliness is ok. I mean really, I get quite used to
being alone. Because, you know, I have all these conversations in my
head and I enjoy the sun or the garden or the tree. Or I think about
what I am going to do and then the day is over.
But
this Bill? I mean, its desperation and it tends to eat you from the
inside. I have to sedate the beast Bill, have to keep it quiet. And you
know I have the means to do that, so I do that Bill. I do what I have
to do, and then I keep going.
But
hey Bill, just do me one favor. Dont look into my eyes anymore just to
tell me that I have that tragic look again, ok? I swear to God, if you
do that one more time, I will kill you Bill.
Its raining, Bill, and you know I dont like rain. Please keep it in mind.
Anyway,
you know today was the day I had to go to that place where all the
hot-shots are. You know, where I can make a lot of money because the
guy never ever met someone like me. That place, Bill.
So
this morning I woke up really really early, also because of that shitty
bird camping in my garden. Sorry Bill, I know you still like your
birds. But try to tell them not to wake me anymore. So I arrived early
and still had time to go for a coffee so I went for a coffee and all.
And
then the show began. And when it was over they said: Hey lets play
some ball. And they looked at me. And then their boss said: Hey,
whoever wins gets to take a bottle of champagne home. And so I took a
bottle of champagne home, and they looked at me even more, like they
werent pleased at all but they were too afraid to show.
Another
word about the boss though. Before the show started he had to give me a
lap-top because his boss never ever met someone like me. And he said it
wasnt fair, because hes been working his ass of and he never gets a
new computer. Anyway, I realize now that this is not important, Bill,
maybe Ill tell you sometime later.
But hey, Bill, if you ever read this, then know that today Ive done some fine work.
Somewhat
of a quiet day today. Even contract-killers get the blues, or what? I
was kind of counting on an assignment from you. But it fell through or
something, because you were very very busy today or something. You
know, like you told me yesterday over dinner or in the car. When you
said that you were going to leave and all that shit. Or sell the place
because it made you too much money and it was a lot of hassle and
stuff. I look at people and I listen too and then I think 'what's your
problem?'. You know. Like when you just complicate all the stuff to
keep yourself busy. But it's ok for me if that's ok for you.
Anyway,
I looked at the magnolia tree in the garden today and it is starting to
bloom. And the sun shone, the weather was soft and it was like a day to
be happy. Only I woke up too early again because some shitty bird was
whistling at 6.30 am. No Bill, that's a lie, I mean, you like your
birds, don't you? I woke up with a restless feeling, like something was
going to happen. Or someone was going to collect some money of me that
I owe them. And when I drove my car I was feeling really really sleepy
and it seemed like I wasn't really there. And then I was in fucking
Zele like I hadn't driven my car at all. I don't know if you know what
I mean.
My friend Dorothy says to say
'hello'. I like Dorothy, a lot. When she was alive, I always wished
that I could be her and stuff. But she died, so I guess I'm the lucky
one, or so it seems.
I
know you knew. You know everything, don't you. Tonight I had the chance
of taking a spanish guy home and maybe I would have, but then I found
out he was 20. So I pretended .. something.
I mean 20.
And
here I am, quarter to four in the morning, still smoking cigarettes and
being drunk. I have to retype every two words, fuck that! Should I go
to sleep or practice the five knuck shuffle? I don't know, I really
don't feel like going to sleep yet. Fuck that too, you know. While I'm
at it, fuck everything, you know. I guess I'm quite dangerous, drunk,
at almost 4 in the morning. I should go and rob a bank or put a gun in
my mouth. Now I remember why I don't have guns around the house. Jackie
Brown says: nothing gets between me and my AK47. I guess I'm a romantic
after all. Did you know that astronomists discovered Neptune when
romanticism hit Europe? I guess you didn't ...
But
then again, what do you know? I mean, you killed the guy because you
wanted me all for yourself, and that is not going to happen. They
always do that. But they can't have me, because I'm too much trouble
and all. Yeah, yeah, I know. Too much trouble and too much time. Story
of my life, I guess. Maybe that's why I like the catcher in the rye
(J.D. Salinger). When you catch somebody coming through the rye. I like
rye, just by the way. And I like you by the way. No big deal. No big
deal at all, if only you'd believe it. But you don't, do you? Anyway,
see you tomorrow.
