I
dont care much for how you are feeling today. Frankly, my dear, I
dont give a damn. My friend is here again. My really good friend. She
keeps me company when Im alone. Shes always here when I feel sad,
when I feel bad. I finally found my own life, I guess. The moneys
coming in, at least.
I
drink wine and I smoke cigarettes. Smoke. Drink. Draw. Watch. Listen.
Hear. Melancholic music. Melancholic music that reminds me of how its
meant to be. Its not that I miss you. No, dont think that. The
Puppet-Master is no longer pulling strings either. Its just me again.
Just me like it is, like it was, like it will be. Its ok, though. It
doesnt hurt so bad, anymore. So you neednt worry, ok? Well see each
other some time later, isnt it?
You
know I can stand up for myself and fight my own fights. You had me
taught it a long time ago and I still havent forgotten. Its just that
I need to be bad sometimes, like I have to get a fever out of my
system. I feel aloof and always coming back for more. Instead of
running from I am the one running to. Plunging in head over heals and
never looking back.
Find one more final bridge to burn
Reach the point of no return
Be hard, be though, be cool
Never be nobodys fool
You know that I am strong
You know I dont stay long
I am already on my way
Goodbye month of May
Oh, I can be good. Sometimes. Never steady. But tonight, I will be the girl next door
We
could be so good together, you said. I know. Im a good match with
every bad, twisted and evil freak listed anywhere. Im probably better,
if not best, on my own. The only problem is just my lack of sanity. And
stability, of course. Ive always dreamed of big crowds, Bill. But my
dreams are always wrong.
Have
you noticed the sunshine today? I dont trust it, anyway. Ive been let
down before. I am alone. At night, I dream about walking through empty
streets of abandoned cities. The silence is frightening because you
know that somewhere some creature is luring and planning its move. In
these dreams I try to reach out and find someone. I finally start
running to catch up with people I seem to hear. But every corner I turn
just shows another empty street, with just the wind playing with some
leaves. I sometimes wake up screaming out your name, Bill. Then I reach
for the gun under the pillow, check whether it is loaded and hesitate
to pull the trigger. Happiness is a warm gun, we both know that.
Sometimes
you drop me line. Just a line. You know, in answer to my pathetic
letters. You write: Yes that is ok, Uma dear. Lets do that some time.
And then I get all going to organize all that stuff like I think you
want me to. But not really. So I call and call and call some more until
we finally meet just to hear you say that I look good that day. I
should stop all this, shouldnt I. But if I punish myself, do I not
take that burden off the world, Bill?
Tonight
I feel like writing. I know you havent heard from me in a long, long
time It made you feel kind of hungry, didnt it, Bill? Seems like we
have another smoking and drinking situation here, only now it is not 4
in the morning.
You
know, I like you Bill. I really do. Somehow, were a match. Hey people,
dont get all excited, not the kind of match you imagine. But still
One of these days, I have to make a move. I know that, Bill. But a
move, you will get. It will be a move of my usual refinement. Just you
wait one more day, Bill.
So
you called today and said: Hey kid, lets do lunch tomorrow. And I kept
my cool and I said: Well Bill, Ill have to check my schedule first
So
now were having lunch together tomorrow. Just lunch though, you said.
Of course Bill, of course. Lets just have lunch tomorrow. Pick me up
somewhere and drop me someplace else. Skirt around the danger zone in
between. Maybe Im just crazy, who can tell?
You
asked if I had been busy lately. You hadnt heard from me in quite a
while, you said. Yeah, well, Bill I have been busy. Looking for a way
out and I think I just spotted an exit somewhere. Like right before you
called. Seconds, I mean. But now the curtain dropped again, and Im in
the dark, again. Tomorrow youll ask if I have been to the doctor yet.
I havent, of course. Who wants to know if Im all right, Bill? I mean,
like, truly
Lets
just have lunch together tomorrow, Bill. Youll drop me off in the
sports car and Ill be witty and sexy, Bill. The waiters will ask
themselves who we are and why they dont know us. Well go easy on the
booze, just this once.
Youre
leaving for Rome in a couple of weeks, and you want to see Paris in
between. We cant let spring slip us through the fingers, you said. I
agree, Bill. You know I do. So Paris, well see Paris. It will be like
in the song of Lucy Jordan, only well be cruising through Paris in a
sports car, with the wild wind blowing through my hair. I will think
Im alive. Just the thing I need, Bill
You
know, Bill called, two days ago. And he wanted to see me. Only I
couldn't, because I was too busy working and stuff. There was another
guy in the house, so what was I to say? And Bill was like, you know,
chatting away but it felt like I had like no connection. With him, I
mean. I'm just like that, Carlito. Can't help it. You know. Can't be
left alone for too long. Or without news. All memories of us seem to
fade so fast, and I get too used to being alone. And then I do stuff.
So the next day, I wrote him. And I said like, hey Bill, let's see each
other because I don't remember you very well anymore. And I've slept
with a girl.
So now, nothing. Silence. Maybe he's mad, because of what I found out. I don't know. I ought to give it a few days, I guess.
-
Because he wrote! He wrote me the minute he got to that house of his!
This is good. Good and good news too. But that I'll keep to myself. And
he found some stuff. Good stuff. That's good news and good stuff. It's
a sign. A sign we're at the right track. Play your cards right, Uma
girl ... Make a small move. Feed him some bait... Not too much. Just a
very very little bit. Suggest a hint - no more but a faint hint - of
missing and longing. You know why, Uma. He gave you the keys, while you
pretended to ask him for a blindfold. Uma girl, you're getting better
at this. Much better than you thought, actually. Anyway, how have you been doing?
You
know Bill, isnt this funny? First time I write you while youre away
and youre already back. Or youre supposed to be back. Sometimes I
think I forgot all about you, like the past two weeks or something. But
still, even when Ive forgotten you, you still wander in the back of my
mind. Like my memory refuses to wipe you out completely. The good thing
is that I didnt miss you. Or didnt think I missed you. Considering
the circumstances Bill, thats quite an achievement
But
Bill, since youre back, lets talk business, shall we? The assignment,
remember? The plan we had and it involved an island, and an old
mansion. And you were going to take care of those, remember? So I
suppose you did and youll want to hear how and what and why I did what
I had to do.
Well
Bill, to be honest, everything started out all right. I mean, I did
what I was supposed to do and I did my best. But then I got
side-tracked and got lost in everything again. It was like I was lost,
but not quite. I mean, I just started out by doing what you told me to
do and then things started to happen in all the wrong ways. Its like
its complicated and plain simple at the same time. And then I found
out a lot of stuff, just like that. And it was all about you. You know,
I know all about the twins and stuff now. I mean, you shouldve known I
was going to snoop into that database once I got my hands on it. But
dont you worry now, Bill. Really, you know your secrets are safe with
me. Dont you? Dont you Bill?
Anyway,
to cut things short: Ive been looking for the girl and maybe I found
her. Or maybe she found me. Shes everything Ive been looking for. But
tell me Bill, should I kill the puppet master? Let me know asap Bill,
so I can move in like a snake .
Nice
day today. I meant to tell you that I was sorry about the whisky, but
not too much. You know, its really not a good idea to leave me alone
with the booze. And for so long I mean.
So
then you promised me Id be punished and so on. But I didnt know you
were going to do it like this, so this punishment, I really dont like
it. You know Bill, loneliness is ok. I mean really, I get quite used to
being alone. Because, you know, I have all these conversations in my
head and I enjoy the sun or the garden or the tree. Or I think about
what I am going to do and then the day is over.
But
this Bill? I mean, its desperation and it tends to eat you from the
inside. I have to sedate the beast Bill, have to keep it quiet. And you
know I have the means to do that, so I do that Bill. I do what I have
to do, and then I keep going.
But
hey Bill, just do me one favor. Dont look into my eyes anymore just to
tell me that I have that tragic look again, ok? I swear to God, if you
do that one more time, I will kill you Bill.
Its raining, Bill, and you know I dont like rain. Please keep it in mind.
Anyway,
you know today was the day I had to go to that place where all the
hot-shots are. You know, where I can make a lot of money because the
guy never ever met someone like me. That place, Bill.
So
this morning I woke up really really early, also because of that shitty
bird camping in my garden. Sorry Bill, I know you still like your
birds. But try to tell them not to wake me anymore. So I arrived early
and still had time to go for a coffee so I went for a coffee and all.
And
then the show began. And when it was over they said: Hey lets play
some ball. And they looked at me. And then their boss said: Hey,
whoever wins gets to take a bottle of champagne home. And so I took a
bottle of champagne home, and they looked at me even more, like they
werent pleased at all but they were too afraid to show.
Another
word about the boss though. Before the show started he had to give me a
lap-top because his boss never ever met someone like me. And he said it
wasnt fair, because hes been working his ass of and he never gets a
new computer. Anyway, I realize now that this is not important, Bill,
maybe Ill tell you sometime later.
But hey, Bill, if you ever read this, then know that today Ive done some fine work.
Somewhat
of a quiet day today. Even contract-killers get the blues, or what? I
was kind of counting on an assignment from you. But it fell through or
something, because you were very very busy today or something. You
know, like you told me yesterday over dinner or in the car. When you
said that you were going to leave and all that shit. Or sell the place
because it made you too much money and it was a lot of hassle and
stuff. I look at people and I listen too and then I think 'what's your
problem?'. You know. Like when you just complicate all the stuff to
keep yourself busy. But it's ok for me if that's ok for you.
Anyway,
I looked at the magnolia tree in the garden today and it is starting to
bloom. And the sun shone, the weather was soft and it was like a day to
be happy. Only I woke up too early again because some shitty bird was
whistling at 6.30 am. No Bill, that's a lie, I mean, you like your
birds, don't you? I woke up with a restless feeling, like something was
going to happen. Or someone was going to collect some money of me that
I owe them. And when I drove my car I was feeling really really sleepy
and it seemed like I wasn't really there. And then I was in fucking
Zele like I hadn't driven my car at all. I don't know if you know what
I mean.
My friend Dorothy says to say
'hello'. I like Dorothy, a lot. When she was alive, I always wished
that I could be her and stuff. But she died, so I guess I'm the lucky
one, or so it seems.
I
know you knew. You know everything, don't you. Tonight I had the chance
of taking a spanish guy home and maybe I would have, but then I found
out he was 20. So I pretended .. something.
I mean 20.
And
here I am, quarter to four in the morning, still smoking cigarettes and
being drunk. I have to retype every two words, fuck that! Should I go
to sleep or practice the five knuck shuffle? I don't know, I really
don't feel like going to sleep yet. Fuck that too, you know. While I'm
at it, fuck everything, you know. I guess I'm quite dangerous, drunk,
at almost 4 in the morning. I should go and rob a bank or put a gun in
my mouth. Now I remember why I don't have guns around the house. Jackie
Brown says: nothing gets between me and my AK47. I guess I'm a romantic
after all. Did you know that astronomists discovered Neptune when
romanticism hit Europe? I guess you didn't ...
But
then again, what do you know? I mean, you killed the guy because you
wanted me all for yourself, and that is not going to happen. They
always do that. But they can't have me, because I'm too much trouble
and all. Yeah, yeah, I know. Too much trouble and too much time. Story
of my life, I guess. Maybe that's why I like the catcher in the rye
(J.D. Salinger). When you catch somebody coming through the rye. I like
rye, just by the way. And I like you by the way. No big deal. No big
deal at all, if only you'd believe it. But you don't, do you? Anyway,
see you tomorrow.
