I am a woman in my thirties, have had a big life change, since I moved last year with my husband and children to another state thousands of miles away. We are freelancers who can work from wherever we are, we kept a lot of clients from back home. Most of them business people who travel a lot too, we keep on travelling back to our old hometown too and all over the world.
We keep in contact with a lot of people throug e-mail and skype, which makes everything so easy. I have had a kind of a midlife crisis when I became 30 and wanted to through my life in an other direction, I realised the town our children were growing up wasnt good for them and wanted more green and freedom in their life, a little back to basics. But with a financial back up which makes it possible to have everything we were used to, just in a smaller community in the middle of nowhere, just nature, a better climate, no violence and our family together
Ive lived good and freely till I met my husband, he was the one for me, I have never been unfaithfull and never thought I could be. He gave me beautifull children, really cares about me, he helps in the house, helps with the children and would do anything for us. Shortly I have the perfect man
But still, a couple of years ago, I felt more than I should for a friend of my husband, we flirted a little, but nothing ever happened, I realised I couldnt go ahead with it, because I had my principles, I would never betray my husband
So, I just avoided him, and after a while the feelings went away, I thought it would be easy
Now, after living more than a year somewhere else, without our friends close to us and meeting new people, I have noticed that Im still good in the market, lets say
But still noone could make me crazy enough to feel anything more than usual for men, I do feel charmed and good about the attention I get, but nothing more
I do the business deals in our partnership and my husband does the labour lets say
which means I have to sit down and talk to a lot of different people and make deals
A couple of months ago, I had a meeting with a client we have for as long as I know my husband, when I first met him, lets call him Jeff, he was in a relationship and had a baby girl, he seemed happy with his wife, but still there was some kind of a connection between us, I wasnt married but felt confident of my relationship and couldnt believe that Jeff would feel anything for me, he was much older too and so I just had a connection with him for a couple of years as a client.
I used to bump into him over those first years and I could feel a lot of tension whenever we met, he always asked me to go for a drink if I had the time, so we did sometimes, but we always talked about business and very little of our family. The last time I met him was about 10 years ago, right before I got married, he was startled with the news and I didnt hear from him for about 8 years
He used to talk to my husband first, but he always told him to talk to me about the figures, so he did
he called me a few times, after we made the move, and finally I met him about a year ago in our hometown, where we used to live, since I do fly over now and then
He wanted to make an order and he agreed to the price I gave him, but he had to be patiened because we work differently now, and I couldnt deliver for a couple of months. That was no problem he said, we kept in touch for months, and since we had a lot of work, it took about 6 months to finish his order. We had a few orders to deliver, so I flew back home and tried to meet him, but he was out of town, and wouldnt be back for another 2 weeks, I couldnt stay that long. We talked about every day at first and I told him that I had to get back in 5 days, so we started communicating through webcam, because he always had a problem with not seeing me through the phone
I was so naive that I couldnt believe his motives, after all these years, he finaly confessed his feelings for me, I didnt know what to say at first, I had blocked him out of my memory and looked at him as being one of our clients
Time had past since our first encounter and I had to admit that even though I hadnt heard or seen him for years I sometimes wondered what was going on with him and his life
The day after his confession we talked again and I admitted that I was very charmed with him when I first met him and that I felt a lot of tension whenever I met him, but that even in my darkest dreams I could believe what he was saying to me now
wasnt it too late, I was married, had children, moved away
he wasnt married, but still with the same woman and their daughter was getting big now, he travelled all over the world and was hardly at home
But I couldnt deny my feelings for him, I felt 18 again, totally in love, with the butterflies and everything, he made me feel so special, but still I loved my husband
After every word we shared I felt more confident I could trust him, he trusted me too, and we started having kind of a secret affair through the internet, which evolved into more with the help of the webcam, we had cybersex, or how do you call it
?
When he first told me what he wanted to do to me, I felt so hot, I couldnt believe myself, what about my principles, where they nothing worth anymore
I just felt safe that he wasnt nearby and there was no real threat that anyting fysical could happen between us
thats what we kept telling eachother
but who are we kidding
I felt so guilty after my first orgasm with him, did I betray my husband, off course I did, but not realy fysical did I ? After discussing it with him, I told him this had to end, it was impossible, it could destroy a lot for both of us
He told me it was all up to me, but that I didnt have to feel guilty, because I did masturbate too, didnt I, especially when I was away, this was somewhat the same, but with the difference that I was starting to fall for him
and that I was having sex online, I couldnt believe it, I never did this before
what was going on with me ? I felt so confident about the move and the changes in our life and now I felt insecure again
.
Whenever he called me, I got so nervous, I felt my haert beating in my throat, I loved his voice and what he was saying to me, perhaps it was the attention I got that I loved, but why the butterflies and why didnt they go away
.didnt I love my husband anymore ?
We talked everyday and a lot, the last day before I had to leave we had cybersex again, I dont know how else to call it, since I never had this expirience before, I thought that would be it, I would leave in the morning and after getting home it had to stop
When my husband came to pick me up, I felt a little guilt but also love for my husband
so I thought it would pass away
I had wonderfull sex with my husband and had an orgasm, so I felt very good again, but must confess that while making love to my husband Jeff was in my thaughts so that same evening I just felt compulsed to hear Jeff
So, I went online, and there he was, waiting for me
we talked and he asked me if I had sex with my husband, I told him yes, and I could feel the tension between us, and then he said it was normal because he was my husband, he did feel a little jaleous, but that was normal, he was thinking so sober
and I was so confused, I couldnt think clear
The next couple of days, we stayed in touch, talked for hours and then he was going home, so we planned not to call eachother any more for at least a week
the hardest week of my life
I had left his order with someone, where he could go and pick it up when he was back home
we e-mailed for business purposes that week, with some messages hidden between the lines, which made me so wanting him
After that week, he called me, he still had feelings for me and I for him, but things were more complicated now, I was at home and so was he
most of the times we cant talk openly because our partners would be standing next to us or at least in the same room
but that tension made it more hot
for both of us
So, now we talk during the week, at least once a day, but in the weekends we have our family and cant talk, this makes it very difficult for me, sometimes I think what the hell am I doing, Im having an affair, but then again I keep telling myself its not physical
yet at least
I feel so alone in this matter, we both cant discuss it with anyone, because it could ruin too much, and we both dont know where this will lead, and or if its gonna last
thats why I started this blog, noone knows me, and I can express myself at least
.
will keep it updated with what happens and if anyone has any comments, I would love to hear them
.and I know, most people with think Im a bitch for betraying my husband, but it doesnt realy feel like this, because I still love my husband a lot, I just never thought I could love 2 men at the same time, and thats my biggest dilemma
.I have had to reconsider a lot of my principles
.nothing is just white or black, there does seem to be a grey area in life
