Here i am once more, how the hell do i keep finding this place after long times... Since my last post much has happened. Just when i was thinking things were over a somewhat new friend really picked me up from the ground in a very subtle way. I actually was enjoying living again and that reflected itself on alot of things. Obviously i am still alive and for some time i actually think i was somewhat happy again. At this moment the "happy high" is somewhat over. I'm not as deep as i was the last couple of years and at least that's a good thing i guess. What is creeping me out at this moment is that as i'm getting older i can't seem to get anywhere in love...
It's just really hard to see such a girl with someone else who takes her for granted and doesn't really care that much for her. Sometimes when we we talk online(skype, facebook,...) she really seems to like me but then he comes along and all is ruined. So after a while i gave up on her and said to myself it couldn't be. But then suddenly she came to a party of our student union with some others and she asked if she could crash at my place. I got some hope again. That evening was a catastrophe. First she got angry because some of her friends implied that the only reason she could crash at my place was because i wanted "something aka sex" more. After that we got to the party and we never really said much to eachother. Suddenly my friend whi helped me out of the pit i was in is kissing her and kept kissing her the entire evening at every place we went to... At a moment i couldn't take it anymore and drank insane amounts of beer to just be numb. so when the party ended in the morning i just went home thinking they would spent the night together anyway. But suddenly she came running after me asking where i was going because she wanted to sleep at my place. So when we arrived we just started talking for 3 hours straight(both really drunk) but just when things got to the point that we had to admit if we had anny feelings for eachother she broke it off and said she wanted to sleep. The next day i felt bad because firstly my friend just stole the girl i really like and secondly because she obviously doesn't want to say ii to my face that she doesn't see me as anything else then a friend.
so again i tried ti get over it all but 2 months later she starts chatting to me again and tells me she really wants to come visit me in a weekend so we can hang out together and do some partying and such. Weird thing was that i subtly told her manny people she knew here would not be here in the weekend (like that friend) and she said she didn't mind as long as i was there. Mixed signals anyone?
In the end i'm doing okish at the moment, i still need alot of alcohol to get through the days just to keep me numb enough. Music, alcohol and cigarettes are my main day filling practices. there is a sonf these days that really helps me through at difficult times--> the editors- the weight of the world The lyrics are cheesy but they giv me hope that hopefully sometime they would be true for me aswell.
