Wow, i had forgotten i ever started this crap, just found it again and felt like writing some things down here for no apparent reason. Almost a year has passed since i started this blog, and looking back i am trully amazed that i am typing on it at this moment. At this moment things are as 'great' as ever, very little has changed. The only thing that has changed at this moment is that i am now a complete failure while a year ago i still had the illusion that at least school was somewhat good. Well i even managed to fuck school up. I am feeling like a complete ignorant fool, somehow i can't seem to get anything right. Everyone i know has something going for him/her in life, wether it's school/job/girlfriend/... What do i have? Nothing really. My love life is as nonexisting as god, my academic performance is so depressing i think that, for all my early confidence, i am not one bit smarter than the average factory worker; i have no real close friends, most of them are casual friends at best; i have nothing.
Some time ago i was thinking about who would come to my funeral and who would genuinly miss me. It's sad to say that apart from some close family(and even them...) i doubt anyone would even notice i'm gone let alone be sad about it.
When i look back at the person that graduated high school i often wonder how in gods name things could have gone so downhill(not that it was great to start but still). And i can only come to the conclusion that the amount of failure and crap i had to endure just goes up as i get older, wich makes me not want to get older to begin with. I have survived(yes i call it surviving) till now by grasping on the little things but even those are getting so scare now that i wonder how in gods name i will proceed.
I am trully alone in the world mentally, sure i have familly and friends but i cannot nor want to talk to them about anything more then small talk. I know it might seem werid and perhaps even snobbish of me to say such a thing, there are people who are so much worse off then i am. But that does not change the fact that i'm on a mental island only sea around me and not enough food left to last a long time.
I have given up setting goals for myself, for i never seem to get close to even the simplest ones. My mind wonders off to strange things, not a day goes by i think about it, the one benefit the USA has over belgium, easier gun acces.
