Finally the weather has come back to a somewhat normal teperature, the last few days have literally kept me from doing anything productive while i should really have done something. I'm currently experiencing something strange, a feeling of guild i guess. I should be studying, i should be learning my ass off, i know this yet can't find the energy to get myself to it. It's not that the subject is boring, i find it interesting, i just can't get myself to study. I've been feeling tired for a long time, but i always reckoned it was because of my insomnia, i also never was the study-type of guy, but now both are worse then ever. Concentrating my thoughts seems to be getting harder and harder, it's like i have lost the ability to focus my thoughts and energy, this obviously didn't happen overnight, it's been this way since i was in high school, but it has worsened the last 2 years.
I'm planning on going to a festival somewhere next week, going to invite some friends over and hopefully it'll be fun. It will be the last time i'll get drunk before my exams, so i will enjoy it to the limit. I trully plan on getting so wasted as i can get, recapturing that great feeling you have when everything is just perfect and all is well. That's what manny people don't understand, mainly because they remember too few of their drunkness once sober again, but if they would remember that feeling of simple joy and calm, then they would understand. It's great that such a thing exists, for otherwise manny people would just be so unhappy all the time. They say alcohol doesn't make things better, well that's an idiotic statement. It obviously makes things better, it makes you feel better for a while, sure it's not lasting and other things could give you the same feeling but longer lasting, but in short term alcohol is man's best friend.
It is true what they say, the silent treatment is trully the hardest punishment one person can give to another. Saying you'll miss me, that im important and not worthless, while at the same time i have seen you once in 2 and a half months, and heard from you only if i myself took the initiative, it's confusing me to no end. Because am i the one making too big a deal out of this all or is my gut feeling correct? I have hardly slept the last 4 days, mainly the idiotic heat combined with my insomnia, not a nice combo indeed. I can't focus on my school work because i feel like a 100 year old atm, i lack anny kind of energy. One night of complete, nice sleep seems like a myth to me, i can't remember the last time i actually had a good night sleep. People are always thinking they can figure it out easily: "you need to have a strict bio-rythm", "create a ritual before you go to bed", "relax before you go to sleep",... WTF people, do you honestly think i haven't tried all your oh so grand wisdoms before? i haven't slept decently in 2 years and you think i haven't tried these simple things? Really wtf is up with that, and they say that all on a tone of superiority, like they know better and will educate me with their easy 1-2-3 sollutions. It fuckin sickens me, i'm at the point were i just act like nothings wrong just to avoid these oh so fun conversations.
It's remarkably easy to fool people/friends in thinking all is fine, and although they say you don't lie to friends, well i do lie to them about how i feel, what's bothering me, because otherwise i have to go through those stupid conversations and tips and tricks again and i have no need for that. i'm also way too paranoid to tell people what's really going on, and on the rare occasion that i do, i'll only let them have a glimpse of what's there, you never ever tell all your secrets and problems to 1 person, that's asking to get backstabbed someday. Ofcourse i'm saying this all at some blog, so it seems i'm contradicting my own theory of trust, but obviously all i'm writing here is just the tip of the iceberg that can get deleted if i feel like it.
It's funny how the lack of sleep toys with your mind, i'm finding thoughts that were previously unknown to me, some borderline insane, some putting things in perspective. It's like i'm permanently on acid without all the physical consequences and shit, just my mind going unexplored places in rapid pace, the weirdest conclusions come to me.
I also finished the book i got as a present from my older sister, a history of socialism and communism. In my opinion it was not near neutral enough, it completely downplayed the importance of leon trotsky and acted like stalinism = marxism. It's sad to see that this kind of nonsense is getting written and send out. The only really worhtwhile thing about the book is the nice amount of rare pictures from early socialism times, other then that there are way better books written about communism, books that are politicaly neutral.
blood for blood-outlaw anthems-->already knew most songs on this one i just bought it to support the already broken up band.
finntroll-jaktens tid-->also knew some songs on this one, those i didn't know have lived up to my expectations.
so while i'm listening to this metal attack, sweating like hell because it's freakishly hot here atm, i can't really focus my thoughts. Not that that's something new, there's always some sort of thought hurricane inside my head, but it seems that it's worse then ever. I'm hoping i can see a certain person tomorrow, for i'm nearly leaving town for about 6 weeks so it's almost a now or never kinda thing. I'm not getting my hopes up though, chance is small it'll happen. This new week also means the start of my study marathon of 6 weeks, i am NOT looking forward to that, it will suck giganticly, especially because i won't be able to see my friends, can't really go out anymore and shit.
With not much good in the near future for me, once more i have the desire to just smash it all up, do the unexpected, just leave this life for it's not worth living. I'm already preparing for such a scenario, preparations are near completion.
