Hi Bill,

What should I do with this day, Bill? A man is standing on top of a mountain and is asking himself: should I jump? In the end he doesn’t. Maybe I should eat something. My body is craving. Nothing but coffee and cigarettes these days. And alcohol. Nothing a good drink can’t fix, I suppose.

I am so tired of these useless things that I do. But I do like the hunger. To know that I am stronger than my hunger. I like these drugs that keep me thin. I don’t have to use a knife again, or scissors or that razor blade to feel myself anymore. You know like in: you bleed just to feel you’re alive. But I am past all that now. I mean, I don’t even use all those secret places anymore. You know, the ones no-one ever sees, except if they’re your lover.

I hope I can sleep tonight. I hope tomorrow never comes. And if it does, I want the sun to shine and the birds to sing. I want the air hot and full of promises, like summer. I want to drive my car, far away from here. An endless road, I need to find. You held me today. For the very fucking first time, you held me. And you held me close. Is this what it takes, Bill? For me to be close to you, I need to be far away? I need to distance you, push you away and feel bad about it?

If there’s one thing to remember, Bill, remember this: I do not look back, ever. You know I walk a rocky path on the loom of the land. I walk it once, and never back again.

Bye Bill,

Uma

Hi Bill,

I’ve been doing some thinking. I know, it’s not something a pretty girl like me should be doing. But sometimes I just can’t help myself, you should know that by now. And I’ve finally figured out what is that you want from me. And it isn’t much, is it?

You just want me to wait for you. You just want to have me in your mind. You just want to call me when you’re feeling sad. You just want to call me to tell me how well you’re doing. You just want me to tell you that you’re good and clean and handsome. And you are all of those things.

Didn’t I tell you I would get you back on your feet, point you in the right direction and off you’d go? I will not even ask what’s in it for me. I’ll just take whatever should be mine. I’ve been having bad dreams lately. I wake up with the strange feeling that the world is finally coming to an end and then I just go to work or whatever it is that I do to earn myself a living.

Look, I know I probably shouldn’t be saying all this stuff to you. Or write them down so I could know what it is that I am feeling. I am sorry that I scare you. I am sorry to be me. I am sorry that I can not take no for answer. I am sorry for wanting to take care of you. I am so very sorry for wanting you at all. But I am taking care of business…

This stuff must be boring the shit out of you, I am aware of that. But you know that saying goodbye is not what I do best. I’ll just shoot you in the head instead….

Just kidding Bill …

Bye for now.

Uma?

Hi again Bill,

The city has been set on fire and the burning went on for 10 long days & nights. Madness and hysterica everywhere, old lovers quarrelling over nothing and almost killing each other. The smell of piss and beer warmed up by the sun in the afternoon and the taste of cheap dope in the back of your throat. Loud music, suspicious looks, a sudden flash of understanding. Let’s go home, Bill … Please …

You know I hate to ask. You know it and you still make me do it and I will do it until I stop doing it. Then you will have lost me and you’ll blame me and every other woman on this fucking planet. See if I care Bill, but chances are I don’t. I mean, not anymore.

I don’t know what you want from me. Maybe you didn’t want anything from me to begin with. Besides the occasional fuck, of course. Or did you think you were special? Different from any other guy that sees me and reduces me to a fine piece of ass, or tits, or cunt, or whatever. I guess you weren’t. Not different and not special. Almost ordinary and common. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re all right. It just doesn’t keep me warm in the middle of the night.

Back to the old question again. Am I asking too much? Or are you giving too little? Too late? I guess you don’t know me. I guess you never did. If you did, you’d know I’d never do those things you want me to do. Like take up your space and time and your precious money. I’d rather die, Bill. But then again Bill, aren’t you already killing me slowly? Not softly, but quite surely …

Bye Bill …

Uma