Hi Bill,

What should I do with this day, Bill? A man is standing on top of a mountain and is asking himself: should I jump? In the end he doesn’t. Maybe I should eat something. My body is craving. Nothing but coffee and cigarettes these days. And alcohol. Nothing a good drink can’t fix, I suppose.

I am so tired of these useless things that I do. But I do like the hunger. To know that I am stronger than my hunger. I like these drugs that keep me thin. I don’t have to use a knife again, or scissors or that razor blade to feel myself anymore. You know like in: you bleed just to feel you’re alive. But I am past all that now. I mean, I don’t even use all those secret places anymore. You know, the ones no-one ever sees, except if they’re your lover.

I hope I can sleep tonight. I hope tomorrow never comes. And if it does, I want the sun to shine and the birds to sing. I want the air hot and full of promises, like summer. I want to drive my car, far away from here. An endless road, I need to find. You held me today. For the very fucking first time, you held me. And you held me close. Is this what it takes, Bill? For me to be close to you, I need to be far away? I need to distance you, push you away and feel bad about it?

If there’s one thing to remember, Bill, remember this: I do not look back, ever. You know I walk a rocky path on the loom of the land. I walk it once, and never back again.

Bye Bill,

Uma

Hi Bill,

I’ve been doing some thinking. I know, it’s not something a pretty girl like me should be doing. But sometimes I just can’t help myself, you should know that by now. And I’ve finally figured out what is that you want from me. And it isn’t much, is it?

You just want me to wait for you. You just want to have me in your mind. You just want to call me when you’re feeling sad. You just want to call me to tell me how well you’re doing. You just want me to tell you that you’re good and clean and handsome. And you are all of those things.

Didn’t I tell you I would get you back on your feet, point you in the right direction and off you’d go? I will not even ask what’s in it for me. I’ll just take whatever should be mine. I’ve been having bad dreams lately. I wake up with the strange feeling that the world is finally coming to an end and then I just go to work or whatever it is that I do to earn myself a living.

Look, I know I probably shouldn’t be saying all this stuff to you. Or write them down so I could know what it is that I am feeling. I am sorry that I scare you. I am sorry to be me. I am sorry that I can not take no for answer. I am sorry for wanting to take care of you. I am so very sorry for wanting you at all. But I am taking care of business…

This stuff must be boring the shit out of you, I am aware of that. But you know that saying goodbye is not what I do best. I’ll just shoot you in the head instead….

Just kidding Bill …

Bye for now.

Uma?

Hi again Bill,

The city has been set on fire and the burning went on for 10 long days & nights. Madness and hysterica everywhere, old lovers quarrelling over nothing and almost killing each other. The smell of piss and beer warmed up by the sun in the afternoon and the taste of cheap dope in the back of your throat. Loud music, suspicious looks, a sudden flash of understanding. Let’s go home, Bill … Please …

You know I hate to ask. You know it and you still make me do it and I will do it until I stop doing it. Then you will have lost me and you’ll blame me and every other woman on this fucking planet. See if I care Bill, but chances are I don’t. I mean, not anymore.

I don’t know what you want from me. Maybe you didn’t want anything from me to begin with. Besides the occasional fuck, of course. Or did you think you were special? Different from any other guy that sees me and reduces me to a fine piece of ass, or tits, or cunt, or whatever. I guess you weren’t. Not different and not special. Almost ordinary and common. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re all right. It just doesn’t keep me warm in the middle of the night.

Back to the old question again. Am I asking too much? Or are you giving too little? Too late? I guess you don’t know me. I guess you never did. If you did, you’d know I’d never do those things you want me to do. Like take up your space and time and your precious money. I’d rather die, Bill. But then again Bill, aren’t you already killing me slowly? Not softly, but quite surely …

Bye Bill …

Uma

Hi Bill,

I promised you I was going to sort things out, and guess what? I did. Well, I made a start anyway. So, that is good.

You know what? I feel kind of good today. It was decision time and I’ve made a decision. And now I feel good about it even it is a bad decision, darling. You know, I was all wound up about being like regular and good. Even made a few phone-calls to people that know some people that could help me fit in the normal kind of world. But then I asked a question and the answer was correct. Someone told me I could never fit in anymore because I have been too bad. So now I need to be punished and I sent myself back to where I was. There’s no escape, Bill, not for emotional hooligans like myself. Who was I kidding anyway?

So, how are you doing, Bill? Have you had any more brilliant ideas I should know about? You do know I will admire you, just like old times. I guess old times are back, now. I have lived too much and too hard to just go back.

Should I say sorry to all those I’ve wounded on my way through this urban jungle? I guess not … They deserved it. They had it coming like I had it coming once.

And I guess I have it coming now. And I guess I’ll take it like I took it once before. You will bruise my body. You will tie me up and put me down. Once more, I’ll be yours alone.

See you on Friday, Bill …

Uma?

Hello Bill,

Yet again, another lost weekend. I was here and you were there and we were not together, not in any way. It’s these drugs, Bill, and you know it. I know it. I feel more alone with you, now that I’m with you. But hey, you know I’m not the girl that misses much. Nothing much at all. And whatever I could miss, I try to forget about it. I don’t keep photographs or memories. I loose whatever I’ve been given. My body does not remember what you feel like, or taste like or how it was when you touched me with your hands. My lips are ignorant of who you are, ready to kiss whoever will take your place to kiss me and hold me and fuck me. We all get screwed in the end, Bill, don’t we?

So maybe this is the end. Maybe it isn’t, who can tell? Maybe you’re just getting old and age is getting to you. Just kidding, Bill, just kidding …

Anyway, I have to get back on track. Sort some things out, or just decide to ignore them. Look, I know you think you have me and in a way you do. But in so many ways you don’t. I don’t even know if you care. It’s no big deal anyway. It doesn’t matter if you care or not, because even this game will be boring me after a while. You know me. I probably just needed someone to talk to, or maybe not even that. Just someone who would sit with me for a while and listen to what I’ve got to say.

Let’s just follow the sun and the moon. You know I never look back. What’s the point? I’ve known loneliness all my life and I’ve learned to live with it. Loneliness is nothing. I just don’t want to remember how it is and was or could be; feeling close to you …

So, Bill, over and out?

Uma.