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I was born as the oldest of 3 kids.
I went to school like most did.
I always have been some sort of outsider.I had no goal no purpose iin my life.
Now that I am 50 my dreams will never become goals. they will remain phantasies.
Once I wanted to be am E,R, doctor. But by the time I realize that I was to old to start that eductation.
Next I wanted to teach what I know. But I knew to little
I always thought I had a great mind. But then again, no one understands my thoughts.
I felt like a loser. Alone, and nothing to show for. No accomplishments.
Then I found out, I can tell ppl what they want to hear. And then they liked me.
So I discover the power of the lie.
Whenever I said something that was bad about me, I blamed others.
And when i talked about my positives, I said I did that on my own.
And it made me feel good.
And the others believed me.
Now time has caught up with me.
I stand here emty-handed. Alone, and lonely.
AllI wanted is to have a partner for life to share whatever I have.
A friend who understands my feelings and thoughts.
But along the way, I lost myself.
No longer being true to myself.
I cheated in my marriage.
I cheated and I lied for so long.
I started to believe my own stories.
I hurt ppl, and they might have forgotten.
But now i am paying the price.
No one believes me anymore.
No one thinks I can do anything right.
I am not independent. I always needed the help of others.
My life was a lie.
And the truth caught up with me.
I almost had what I wanted.
But I cheated and lied again.
And again I lot it all.
Yes I was born.
I sure I will die.
I dont know how or when I will die.
But I know I die alone.
And maybe that for the best.
At least no one will cry because of me.
If I have a choice, then hope I die quickly and quietly.
I am not worth of being missed.
I am not worth any tears because of me.
And there are moments that I hope, that time will come fast.
09-02-2014, 00:00 geschreven door Jan Palmen 
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