I want to die peacefull in my sleep. Like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

The problem is, God gave men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.

People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege.

Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.