There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

That moment when you talk to yourself and you start smiling like an idiot because you're just so hilarious.

I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness.

I'm not trying to brag... but i have a 6 pack.... of crayons.

I throw my homework in the air sometimes, saying ayooo, I'll take a zero.

If you think that breaking a mirror is bad luck... You try to break a condom.

My parents say its their house but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.