"They tell you to just be yourself and then they judge you"
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AboutAGirl
Just another story about just another girl I need a listening, non-judging ear.
Would you want to be my ear?
15-04-2014
Holidays.
Here's the thing about holidays: You're alone if you don't start talking to people. Nobody sees you, so they don't have to care. When you're at home, they all meet up, without you, and they sure as hell don't miss you. When you go outside, they're nice to you.
So you have to decide: Are you going to start talking, meet up, and make yourself believe that they really like you, so you will feel miserable a few days later, when you find out they all meeted up again, without you. Or are you not going to start talking and feel miserable anyways because clearly nobody misses you.
It's a sad feeling when you realize nobody cares. It's the feeling you get during holidays and after holidays and before holidays It's the feeling you get every fucking day.
My parents aren't home so I decides to give a little homeparty. I regret. There was said that people who didn't want to dance, shouldn't come, I don't think they got that. Now they're all just sitting in the sofa with their smartphones snapchatting, twittering etc. And I'm just left here alone again, I fucking hate this. The saddest part is they all assured me they wouldn't use their smartphones so yeah, I'm dissapointed. If I would die right now, they wouldn't even notice. Great friends I have !
Okay, today I decided to go on a diet... Again. I hope it will last longer than 1 day this time, because that the longest I've reached by now I think. Although I'm really motivated to lose weight, I don't have the power to leave all the cookies and candies behind. It's frustrating.
It's been a while since I've been here now. My week has been quite busy and I didn't really had the time to write something. Lately, I've been thinking about going to a psychologist to talk about my problems, but that would be a silent hour. I never talk about my problems and you are probably the person that knows the most about me, and you don't even know that much about me. I told you before that I'm not a pretty girl. And that didn't change. I doubt it wil ever change. Seriously, every person in this world may come to me and tell me I'm beautiful, no matter how much I want to believe it, I'll never will. It's me, it's in my brain. Give me the perfect body and the prettiest face, I'd still feel ugly. That's me. I can't help it.
Tonight's the night ! The person I wanted to go with cancelled. Altough I'm used to people cancelling the plans we had, it still sucks. But I found some other friends to go with, so I'm still pretty excited about it. So bye internet, hello music !
Because I'm in my last year of high school, we have a thing called Chrysostomos. Tomorrow we're going to the city to celebrate the fact that we only have a 100 days school to go. That will be no fun at all, I'm pretty sure. Because yeah, it's with my class... So today I went to the store with one of my best friends to buy wodka. We're going out on friday night, incredibly drunk, to forget all our problems Friday night will be a good night. Cheers !
People that have a high self-esteem will never understand how people with a low self-esteem feel. They are just like 'just do it, nobody cares', but I am the one who cares. I am the one who has to do shit that's easy for them, but damn hard for me. I don't like speaking in front of the class, I never proclaim my opinion and no, I won't tell you anything about my past. So don't try to push me, but at the same time, Don't let me down. Again.
Today, we went to a museum with our class and it wasn't that much fun. I have my 'buddy' in class, but she always left me behind. So I was constantly walking alone, looking for answers we had to fill in. Have you ever wondered: "If I disappeared right now, would somebody notice?" That's exactly the feeling I had today. Actually; it's the feeling I have almost everyday.
As I told you before, the boy I'm in love with has a girlfriend since yesterday. I asked him who she was (that's normal I think) and he didn't want to say her name. How am I supposed to feel about that? I have a sort of suspicion about which girl it could be, but I don't want to ask it and she's a slut. And no matter how much I hate sluts, I wouldn't tell him, because he's happy. And in the end, that's all I want him to be.
So there's this boy I'm totally in love with, but I'm pretty sure he'll never love me back. That sucks. Now I just found out, he's not going out anymore to the places I go to, so I'll probably never see him again. That sucks. Oh and he has a girlfriend now. That sucks. I will die alone. That sucks too.
I already decided that writing this blog is one of the best things I've ever did. I've had some nice reactions and guess what, i liked it ! It always feels nice to know you're not alone, so if you're feeling alone, desperate, suicidal... just know; you're not alone.
Btw; I'm not English, but I'd like to speak English here, just to make sure people who know me and read this, wouldn't recognize me.
This is pretty much my life. I hate most people alive and there's not a single thing I can do about that. So I spend most of the time screaming along with Bring Me The Horizon. I'm into punkrock, but I'm not a 'fangirl', so don't expect the typical fangirl-posts.
Because I'm in my last year of high school, we have a thing called Chrysostomos. 
I already decided that writing this blog is one of the best things I've ever did. 
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